January 15, 2010

My Struggles. With Breasts. And Chips. Etc.

It's not easy being me. Despite giving the impression of all-round perfection (to my two year old daughter) I have many significant flaws and face many challenges in my day-to-day life.

It helps to share, so here are some of the things I am struggling with at the moment.

  • Trying to keep a straight face when speaking sternly to two year old Boo, whose response to most forms of discipline is to grin, sing 'Mee Po!', throw her blanky over your head and then ask merrily for juice.*
  • Trying not to eat every single last hot chip on the table when we are out for dinner. This is exceedingly difficult for me.**
  • Trying to maintain an appropriate level of sympathy for my husband when he comes home from work, collapses weakly on the couch, whispers that he is 'extremely ill', then eats a hearty dinner followed by a double serve of dessert, before climbing cheerily into bed and watching Top Gear till 11pm.
  • Trying to create a suitably 'uplifted' position for my breasts in my bra.***
  • Trying not to bite my nails. It's tough, because they are exceedingly delicious and full of calcium.****
  • Trying to remember that Nestle Choc Bits That Retain Their Shape When Baked are for baking, and not, say, eating straight from the fridge on a spoonful of peanut butter.
  • Trying to ensure that my head is tilted to the right for all photos so that my sticky-out-left-ear does not catch the light.*****

*No, I don't know what 'Mee Po' means, but it does not have anything to do with a Teletubby. I know this because Teletubbies are banned in this household. This is because they are stupid.

**Imagine finding yourself naked at your high school reunion, within sight of your clothes but forbidden to put them on. That's how difficult.

***You know. As opposed to 'folded'.

****Sorry, that was a lie. I just do it because I am weak willed and tragic.

*****Because it is see-through in the sun.

Do you struggle with anything? Bet you don't. You seem perfect to me.

16 comments:

  1. Well I pretty much am, perfect.
    Apart from my boombah that enters the room five minutes after me.
    And also points 1,2,3,4 and 6.
    But apart from that....

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  2. Aside from wrinkles, fat, um, oh yeah, and those strange spiny hairs that multiply the older i get - i'm bloody perfect. Dunno what the rest of you are whinging about.

    Oh, and apart from the chip thing, where i can TOTALLY relate. People who don't have to snaffle the chips are somehow lesser mortals.

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  3. I hear you on the chocolate. And the chips. Oh, and the lack of male sympathy. Oh, and...

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  4. I struggle with the fact that the young, funky slip of a girl that I *know* I am doesn't quite match the tired and frumpy blob with "man hair" that I see in the mirror and shop windows.

    I struggle with not shouting "FIE, ON YOU, IMPOSTER" when I see said blob. I wish it would go back to where it came from.

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  5. I struggle with so many things

    I love to eat meringues. Lots of them. There is no way to hide evidence of meringue eating even with a vacuum cleaner on hand. I know this because I have tried.

    I cannot choose a lipstick colour. I have spent the equivalent of the GDP of some small developing countries on lipsticks and I do not own a shade I like.

    I struggle every day to deal with the guilt of spending the GDP of some small developing countries on lipstick

    I cannot get my husband to agree that I am always right.

    I cannot limit myself to three plates at a Sushi Train restaurant.

    I have an insatiable curiosity (ok I am really a very nosy person) and spend many good meringue eating hours a day trying to follow conversations on Twitter. Often involving people I do not even follow.

    I have a single hair that grows on my big toe that is very painful to remove.

    I am often overwhelmed with the desire to run away and join the circus.

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  6. As a mother I struggle with...well everything really. At the moment i struggle to keep my sanity. Kids have discovered wrestling is a great form of entertainment...to my dismay. Wish I was an Earth mother. Then I might be able to deal with these issues in a calm reasonable way. As opposed to the way I ACTUALLY DEAL WITH IT. Which is to yell and scream with hands in the air. Needless to say it is not working.

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  7. I'm struggling with the fact that it is officially my wedding anniversary today (thank you, thank you), and I STILL don't have my bling ring.

    I'm sorry...I just can't get past this...

    Oh look! A ring from an opened Coke can. I wonder if...

    I also struggle with leaving short comments on people's blogs. I don't know why, it just happens. I write and write and write. It's not that I'm too self focussed. At least, I don't think I am. There was a time, yes, when I was, like, 14 when I thought it was all me me me... But now? No, I think I just like to express how I'm feeling. I don't MEAN to leave the long comments. It just happens. I type, I express, I look up and THERE it is! A long, looooong comment. And for the most part, I'm quite sure what I write is INCREDIBLY interesting anyway, so my guess is: people don't mind it. Surely, they would say something, right? I mean - I'm approachable. Don't you think?

    But I think I'm getting better. It's just a matter of sticking to the point when I'm replying...Oh. What *was* my point here?

    Sorry - can't be bothered reading back thru this to jolt my memory. You understand don't you? It's a little long.

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  8. Wait... what do you mean about the choc chips... you mean, they're not for eating straight from the pack? I think I need a lay down.

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  9. At the moment, I am struggling with both a temperamental computer, AND Austar. I am definitely imperfect, and Mrs F seems to think I am a work in progress, in terms of improvement.........

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  10. God, where to start.....

    I struggle with the open packet syndrome, once open I have to eat every single morsel.

    I struggle with the fact that I'm getting closer to 50 and still haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up.

    I also cannot get over the fact that my children when they were young looked at me adoringly, now they look at me like I'm crazy. I want that adoring look back right this minute thank you!!!

    I struggle with wanting to be a wonderful housewife but loving being a sloth more.... sloth wins.

    My biggest struggle is with my love of wine, cheese, chocolate, chips, olives and food in general. I live to eat but I need to eat to live.

    There's plenty more, so don't even try to beat me, I win!

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  11. I am a tall person trapped inside a small body. I forget this and am surprised when I can't reach high shelves in supermarkets or buy jeans and have to have a foot and a half of denim cut off them.
    Apparently I am also passive aggressive, according to my husband, whereas I think I just keep it in to avoid conflict???" What darling? Is something up? No. (sarcastic sigh) every thing is FINE!" (not)
    Most nights I resolve to not drink wine as I make dinner - and do...most mornings I resolve to go for a run or do some weight training- and don't!

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  12. I struggle with the fact that I can not get the mental image of nose strips and a black mouth guard with a skull and cross bones painted on it (yes, my imagination ran away with me there)out of my head. My therapist says that we'll just have to take it slowly,one day at a time.

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  13. Little Girl from East St KildaJanuary 17, 2010 at 11:01 AM

    I have a really good way of cleaning up or cancelling out some of my imperfections. It is quite fantastic. I will share it with you. If I eat too much of something bad (bad as in too delicious) e.g. a bag of vanilla almonds or half a tub of icecream or a block of chocolate, I try to follow it with something good (good as in quite delicious but not too delicious) e.g. 3 yellow peaches (only in summer) or a bowl of blueberries (all year round, I get the frozen ones) or an apple (winter is best but can be all year 'round). It really works. You feel so much better and it cancels out the bad, but too delicious, food that came before. But unfortunately it only gets cancelled out in your head. This means that you must not weigh yourself (ever), look in mirrors at shopping centres (never) or go out with thin people (well only in winter and make sure it is very cold and everyone is wearing a coat). You can use this principle with pretty much everything you do. It's called the cancelling-out head job. It is all about working out ways to make ammends for your imperfections and faults. If your faults don't involve food, it can be very taxing and involve lots of thinking and kindness. But lots of thinking and kindness can use up calories so that helps you to go back to looking in mirrors, going out with thin friends in summer and even stepping on the scales again. So it's all good and much cheaper than therapy.

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  14. Do I struggle?! I like, struggle with struggle itself. If there is something that needs to be struggled with, I am your struggler. Why, even responding to this post was a struggle; what do I say, how do I say it, what if i say too much? Or not enough? Ahhhhh, the struggle... Phew, thank God thats over

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  15. Hilarious! I love your blog! Two very enthusiastic thumbs up from yours truly.

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  16. Hilarious! I love your blog! Two very enthusiastic thumbs up from yours truly.

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