May 16, 2011

Who The F*k Doesn't Like PIZZA???

Yesterday was Pinkela's tenth birthday, and on Saturday night I held a party for her. Ten girls, ten nailpolishes, pizza, movie and cake. Simple? Oh PLEASE. Have you ever met ten year old girls???

To be fair, the party began smoothly (or perhaps it was that I began drinking?*). The girls painted each other's nails with glee, and although they also managed to paint the table and the floor, I didn't mind as I knew I could get it off later (and, well, I was drunk).

It was only when I started taking orders for pizza that the trouble began.

"I don't like pizza," said two of the ten girls. Don't like pizza??? Who the fuck doesn't like pizza? Do they have some disability of the taste buds of which I wasn't aware ? If so, shouldn't their mothers have warned me? I mean, it was a pizza party after all!

"Okay, so Lulu and Saskia don't like pizza," I said. "Is everybody else normal?"**

"I like pizza," said another of the girls helpfully, "but just the base and cheese. No sauce."

No sauce? Just the base and cheese? Who the fuck likes just the base and cheese? Is she not aware that that is not pizza at all, but rather melted cheese on bread??????

"Um... I'm not sure they can do pizza with just the base and cheese," I said.

"Oh you can order it," the child said to me confidently. "My mum does it all the time."

I sighed. Of course she does.

I rang up the pizza shop and ordered a variety of pizzas, then took a deep breath and ordered one 'with just the base and cheese'. There was silence at the other end.

"Um.... you mean melted cheese on bread?" the pizza man asked.

I burned with shame. "Look, don't worry about it," I said. "I'll just make her something. You shouldn't have to prostitute your talents as a fine pizza maker to accommodate the finicky demands of an overly fussy eater."***

"Oh it's no problem at all," he told me. "We'll give you some of our cheesy-bread-bites. The kids love them."

I nodded mutely. So now I felt like a right meanie. And ignorant too. Who ever heard of cheesy-bread-bites?

While my husband went to pick up the pizza I made frankfurts and noodles for Lulu and Saskia (aka They Who Don't Eat Pizza) and allowed my friend Karen to top up my glass. Within twenty minutes, the pizza was on the table, the frankfurts were on a plate, and the noodles were in a bowl. The kids fell hungrily upon the food, like famished beasts who hadn't been fed in a month. The pizza disappeared, the cheesy-bread-bites were snatched up, and the frankfurts and noodles.... REMAINED???

"The pizza was good!" exclaimed Lulu and Saskia. "We like pizza!"

I nodded mutely again. Then I walked silently to the table, collected the frankfurts and noodles, and motioned for Karen to pour me more champagne. There was still cake to go, and I needed all the help I could get.

*and for that I thank my friend Karen, whose presence was the excuse I needed to crack open a bottle of champagne.
**Okay, so I didn't actually say it like that, but it's what I was thinking.
***Okay, so I didn't actually say it like that, but I should have.

    59 comments:

    1. Not liking vegetables - normal child.

      Not liking pizza - needs help. immediately.

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    2. I'm thinking Pinkela needs to re-evaluate her friendships. Not liking pizza is not normal. Really. And the whole cheese and a base thing? Nasty.

      Although, when I worked at Maccas, I had a customer who asked for a Big Mac without the bun . . . 

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    3. Sarah MacFarlaneMay 16, 2011 at 11:23 AM

       I think you may have had an exact replica of the party I threw for my daughter last month down to the nail varnish (still on the sofa AND carpet), noodles and frankfurters!

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    4.  I think there may be a need to start a trend of BYO kids parties. Now don't get all excited I am not referring to Champers but the kids BYO food. 

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    5.  I'm lost for words. And I also have an insatiable craving for pizza now. With lots of cheese. 

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    6.  EVERYONE likes pizza! Reminds me of when I went through my vegetarian  years at uni. I would drunkenly (I was at uni I was always drunk) order cheeseburgers without the meat and extra cheese. So, basically two buns, some sauce and about 50 pieces of processed cheese. MMMMM mmmmmm. 

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    7. Yes I haven't tackled the nail polish yet.... 

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    8. I've got a 6yo who will not eat food that touches, combination of allergy issues, sensory issues and autism.  Even she will eat pizza... okay so we do order the foccacia / cheese pizza for her, but she loves it.

      That said I do know plenty of special needs kids that wont eat pizza because it
      A) feels slimy (greasy pizza)
      B) too many things are touching in the toppings
      C) is not chips and nuggets.

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    9.  ok. not liking pizza is weird enough. but saying you don't like pizza just to watch a clearly drunk woman make two separate meals only to devour the pizza when it arrives is just plain mean.

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    10. Okay, so once upon a time I didn't like pizza. Now I love the stuff. But I can only eat it if it's gluten-free.

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    11. One of my little guests is gluten free. Her pizza was delicious. 

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    12. Special needs kids get dispensation. But not if they're choosing nuggets over pizza!!!!!  

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    13. I think it's a bonus you served lunch at all, much less played the role of short order cook. When I've done lunch, it's one food, take it or leave it. Kids that don't eat it go home hungry to be fed by their parents.  They get cake and a goodie bag, they're happy. :)

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    14. Tara@WafflingAlongMay 16, 2011 at 12:00 PM

      It would seem I am in a tip sharing mood today (just ask NDM) but I have the answer for you. Present the little darlings with a bunch of mini pizza bases, an assortment of toppings, and get them to make their own darn pizzas (works a treat at Casa Del Waffler). Can you believe I am not the CEO of some really big important company with ideas like that ? 

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    15. ugh my daughter has decided she doesn't like pizza also, i told her  it's not normal, so I have to make jaffels for her.  the whole idea of pizza night is so i don't have to cook

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    16. I went to my nephew's tenth birthday party yesterday and after all the drum playing, touch footy games, screaming and chasing each other around the backyard, I found myself longing for a glass of wine and parties filled only with girls!!

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    17. My 4 yo old loves pizza. Not the topping, not even the cheese, just the crust! 

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    18. We had Mr 11's friend for a sleepover and went out for pizza (because it's meant to be easy !!! clearly NOT). Said friend proceeded to pick EVERYTHING off the ham and cheese pizza.....He also scraped the sauce off becuse "There was too much" !!!!!.. I should have just cooked them a cup of 2 minute noodles - would have gone down just as well....

      Fussy kids :-)

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    19.  Yet another reason to put off having children!

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    20. She eats jaffles but not PIZZA????? 

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    21. May I hire you to be my party entertainer for the next party? Which is next week????? It's a boy's party but you'll be right with that won't you??????? 

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    22. I don't the F* like Pizza - well actually what I don't like is melted cheese on anything.

      So ner 

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    23. I made spag bol for my then (turning) 7 year old. EVERYONE likes Spaghetti Bolognese!!  One child said: "I don't like that" all others followed.  I had one plate of Vegemite sandwiches which had to last for all. They went home hungry, as if I care!!

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    24. Oh dear. Another reason for me to dread the tween years with my princesses. At my eldest's 3rd bday I had chicken nuggets and frankfurts for the kids and BBQ chicken and salads for the adults. It was a total waste coz all the adults stuffed themselves with kids food and didn't eat theirs.

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    25. I don't know. But surely they could have just performed Big Mac surgery themselves? 

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    26.  Oh God.  I was *that* kid.  But I was also really meek so I probably would have suffered in silence and then thrown it all up on the tiles 40 minutes later. 

      I watched you tweet the night of the party, hardcore Mama, well done. xx

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    27. I had my daughter's 9th birthday party on the weekend and after serving pies, sausage rolls, vegies, fruit and pasties amongst other things...they then all complained that there was no pizza. So out we went and bought 6 large pizzas which were all devoured. Everuyone like pizza!!!! 

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    28. I know many children who don't like spag bol. I didn't however know there were kids who don't eat popcorn. At the movies. After I'd shelled out mucho dinero for a box each to prevent argument!

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    29. That's nothing.

      One of my daughter's friends told me she doesn't like chocolate.

      True story.

      I mean, come on, I couldn't make that up if I tried. 

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    30. Thank you! And Little Man's party is this coming weekend....!!!!! 

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    31. Kids these days are too fussy, and it's a result of parents giving in to their every fuss. I have two boys, 6yo and 4yo, if one of them doesn't like what is put in front of them, and won't eat it, they go hungry. The problem also, is we live in a developed country where we have so many options to choose from.

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    32. Our pizza order is peppperoni,cabanossi,mushrooms, and capsicum, and I can tell you it's kosher.
      Fender said so..... :-)

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    33. Clearly Pinkela seems to be choosing
      the wrong types to bring home. How sad, but that's nothing... 

       

      Imagine your trauma in a few years
      time when she brings boyfriends home for dinner - yikes!  

       

      But then, if you *groomed* her to
      bring home particular types of people, you would have endless material for blogs
      and books.... oh, hang on...
       

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    34.  That is freaking hilarious. I have zero tolerance for picky eaters. My friends ex was a vegetarian who obviously didn't eat meat or fish but she also didn't eat mushrooms, sprouts or nuts or any other other alkaline/starchy/vitaminb4 containing/ageing vegetable that she read about that week in Orange Tanned Ladies Fitness Digest that month. 

      Mr Smaggle is a coeliac and he doesn't piss me off nearly as much as she did. 

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    35. Tara@WafflingAlongMay 16, 2011 at 5:47 PM

      No problemo and I only charge $150 an hour. A small price to pay for a party entertainer extraordinaire right ? 

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    36. As long as you've blessed it, Rabbi Fender, it's kosher enough for me. 

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    37. 'Orange Tanned Ladies Fitness Digest'... LOVE it!!! 

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    38. Lulu and Saskia need a smack. 

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    39.  Girls. Fussy little things. I was *never* like that. 

      *cough*

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    40. You fed them. You deserve MUCH champagne

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    41.  You'd have been perfectly justified in giving Lulu and Saskia a bottle of wine and 2 straws and eating the pizza yourself.

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    42.  You forgot to mention how drunk you actually were after the girls left the house :-)   I keep asking myself the same question, who the fuck doesn't like pizza (or pancakes)? Btw, I just listened to you on the ABC radio podcast, it was funny.

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    43. Charlotte CrawleyMay 17, 2011 at 1:05 PM

      And to think it likely will not get better soon.  Keep the champagne flowing.

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    44. Our pepperoni is extra special. It has three P's in it....... :-/

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    45. Will you come and give them one? 

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    46. What happened to you get what you're given?
      Kids are usually influenced by those around them and will eat what others eat. Makes you wonder what dinner time is like in Lulu & Saskia's homes. I’m sure it’s quieter than dinner time in my home.
      It’s easy to have a happy and compliant child when you serve them only what they want to eat. Unfortunately, this can have a negative impact, such as childhood obesity and type 2 diabetes (nuggets & chips is a ‘sometimes food’).
      My outlaws often remind me that their children were always polite and well behaved and never caused a fuss at dinner time. That explains why my current husband was still ordering from the kids menu when I first met him.
      The only children I worry about catering for separately in my house are those who have food allergies (I’d rather not play spot the anaphylactic).

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    47. If only I would have read your blog BEFORE I emailed the invites to my 10 yr old daughters party at my home this Sat night!! The champagne's already in the fridge if you feel like joining me!  Then again, I have no doubt that all the girls will love my daughter's request for san choi bow and nutella crepes with sparklers, oh.... and pizza.

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    48. Hilarious. Pizza is always a winner but I would have been so frustrated had I been you... Thank goodness for champagne  x

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