Guilt And The Nap Trap

Today I was given a very precious gift.

Time.

Pinkela is away on camp, and my (beautiful, kind, generous) mother agreed to pick up Little Man and Boo for me so that I could have the whole afternoon to myself. An empty house.

Bliss.

Things have been pretty crazy recently. I've edited my first book for the UK release, edited my second book for it's Aussie release, written three regular columns, and taken on a new writing project, as well as several other bits and pieces that have flown in at different times.

Oh, and I've looked after my three children, their father, the house we live in, the finances, the bills, the laundry, the shopping, our social lives, and pretty much everything else.

I. Am. Exhausted.

I need a break, desperately. And whilst a real break isn't coming for a while, I realised that today was the first day without a deadline looming, and that I could afford to take a few hours off.

I'd been up at 5.45am to get Pinkela to camp and the others to school, then had a meeting with my publishers. I got home at 11.30am and realised: This is it. This is my chance to relax. Do it.

But I pretty much had forgotten how.

I wandered around the house for a while, occasionally tidying, or wiping a surface with a cloth. And then I sat down on the couch and thought, What now?

I didn't know. It felt.... odd. Discordant. Where was my computer?

I watched an episode of Modern Family and then one of Sex And The City (the Modern Family I hadn't seen, the SATC I'd seen around 17 times), both in slight agitation. I was enjoying the shows, but something was wrong.

I didn't feel relaxed enough.

I decided to try to nap. I went upstairs and lay on the bed.

I couldn't sleep.

I COULDN'T SLEEP!

What was happening to me? I fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow! I fall asleep BEFORE my head hits the pillow! I fall asleep at my desk with Boo yelling in my ear and my laptop grinding a dent in my forehead.

WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME?

The answer, people, was guilt. Guilt was what was happening to me. Guilt for taking an afternoon off. Guilt for doing nothing. Guilt for stopping.

Guilt is bad. Guilt is a useless, stupid emotion. I shouldn't feel guilty for taking time off. I shouldn't feel guilty for stopping. I deserve some relaxation and I deserve to stop and enjoy my life. And I deserve a nap, god damnit, even if my tick-tick-ticking brain won't pause for a moment and let me.

So from now on, I'm having a rostered afternoon off every fortnight. It's going in my diary. I'm going to watch TV and lay in bed and roast marshmallows and eat bonbons (okay, so I may have lied about the marshmallow part).

Life is short and guilt is stupid and Sex And The City is on endless rerun on pay TV. And I am going to learn to enjoy it.

On The Set Of Modern Family

A strange thing happened after I met Simon Baker. I lost my awe of celebrities. It wasn't that I become jaded or world weary, it's just that, well, I had peaked. I had met my Celebrity Crush, my personal Mr Perfect, my owen Impossible Man, my He Who I Never Thought I'd Meet...

Okay, so maybe enough with the monikers.

My point is this: by the time my family and I visited the set of Modern Family the following week - one of my absolute favorite TV shows (along with Mad Men, 30 Rock and Young Talent Time) - I wasn't nervous at all. Excited, but not nervous. And I liked not feeling nervous. I was, like, totally Hollywood.

We were visiting Modern Family because our friend Michael is one of the directors of the show. (An Emmy winning director, mind you, and my god that statue is heavy).

Me with Mi(chael)'s Emmy

As we drove to Fox to meet him, the kids and my husband and I wondered who we'd get to see.

"Are we going to meet Sofia Vergara's breasts?" The Architect enquired.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Are we meeting Sofia Vergara? The one who plays Gloria?"

"You asked if we were meeting her breasts!"

My husband rolled his eyes. "Don't be ridiculous. So are we or not?"

"What?"

"Meeting her breasts?"

Yup.

We arrived at the lot at 10am and were greeted by Rachael, the delightful production assistant assigned to shlep us around in a golf buggy and fetch us donuts whenever we were hungry.

And just in case you didn't read that the first time, we had a production assistant assigned to shlep us around the lot in a golf buggy and fetch us donuts whenever we were hungry. I may be comfortable around celebrities now, but my god that gave me a thrill.

We were shown onto the Modern Family set, and it looked exactly like it did on TV, which probably shouldn't have come as a surprise to someone as Hollywood as me. Though the rooms had no ceilings, they were completely enclosed, with four walls and doors and furniture. We posed for photos on the iconic couches in which the characters are 'interviewed', and examined the contents of the prop fridges and cupboards. My son was delighted to find real food in the refrigerator, and if I hadn't been such an old hand at visiting sets, I may have been a little delighted too.

On Jay & Gloria's couch

We watched some filming, a scene involving Claire (Julie Bowen) and Phil (Ty Burrell) and their daughter Haley (Sarah Hyland) and suddenly all my Hollywood coolness fell away. They were incredible. The scene was reshot at least eight or nine times, and every single time the actors' nuances were detailed, their performances were subtly different, and the scene was as freshly hilarious as it was the first time. They deserved every Emmy they have won and I was awed.

For a painful moment, I wished desperately I had not given up my promising career as an actress. And then, for an even more painful moment, I remembered how crap I had been, and how the only award I would possibly have won would have been Waitress of the Month (and as I'm clumsy, impatient and rude, it's doubtful I even would have won that).

Sarah Hyland & Ty Burrell & me

After the filming, Rachael took us on a tour of the Fox lot like the VIPs we (wished desperately we) were. Then we chugged back to the set, and met several cast members, which, had I not been so used to meeting big celebrities, might have given me a bit of a thrill.

Rico Rodriguez II

The kids of the show were all absolutely divine - poised and confident and polite and friendly - just like Boo is in my dreams of the future. Ty Burrell and Eric Stonestreet (who plays Cameron) were warm and approachable. And Julie Bowen was hilarious, cracking jokes, talking a million miles an hour, and taking it upon herself to plait Boo's hair and interview Boo about her special blanky. (It turns out, much to my surprise, that the blanky is a 'boy', and cannot turn into a girl because it is not a 'magic blanky'. I did not know this.)

Me & Eric Stonestreet

Sadly, we did not get to meet Jesse Tyler Ferguson, who plays Mitchell brilliantly, or Ed O'Neill, who I have worshipped ever since his days in 'Married... With Children'. And even more sadly for The Architect, we did not get to meet Sofia Vergara's breasts, or even Sofia Vergara herself.

The Architect was crushed, and for that I am sorry, by my god I was relieved.

Julie Bowen

All in all, it was a very pleasant day.

And if I wasn't so totally Hollywood, I might say it was bloody awesome.