Marie Claire Interview - Oh K!

I had an interview with Marie Claire magazine yesterday. Clearly someone high up in the echelons of the magazine has either forgotten or forgiven my ill-fated attempts to nominate myself for Marie Claire Cover Girl, for they are still prepared to feature me in their beautiful glossy pages.

Now, when I say 'interview', I mean 'a journalist from Marie Claire interviewed me for a story'. I did not, as some assumed, apply for a job at Marie Claire. Obviously if Marie Claire were to offer me a job I would grab it (I still have my eye on that position as Cover Girl) but this was not that kind of interview.

I was perfectly cool about being interviewed for a high end mag. I didn't obsess at all about what I was going to wear; I tried on three different outfits simply because I had time to kill. And I certainly didn't change my top after a friend suggested that what I was wearing was slightly too... well... 'wrong'. I changed because I was just ready to change. Fullstop. And I polished the 'K' in my 'K' necklace simply because I like it to look shiny. Nothing to do with the interview.

I didn't worry at all about my hair; I washed even though it wasn't washing day because I just felt like a good scrub. And I definitely didn't put on any make-up - just foundation, eyeliner, eyebrow groomer, two shades of eyeshadow, blush, lipstick and mascara - what experts call the 'natural' look (if 'natural' is wearing a shitload of makeup). And yes, it was annoying when I stabbed myself painfully in the eye with the mascara wand whilst applying the 17th coat, but I didn't even come close to having to cancel the interview; after all, my other eye was still perfectly functional.

It's true that my stomach was a little bit jittery before the big event, but that was no doubt because I hadn't eaten much that morning - just an orange, two pieces of toast, a couple of slices of cheese and a nice big cappucino. And I settled my tummy easily with an egg mayo sandwich and a Coke Zero, only smearing the smallest bit of egg over my beautiful MC ready top, and spilling just half a cup or so of Coke Zero over my lovely skinny jeans. Happily, it all dried before the interview and no-one noticed a thing. Or at least, if they did, they were polite enough not to tell me.

What made things even more exciting was that the interview was filmed by Channel 7. Which meant that the very charming sound guy got his hands down my bra to insert a microphone in my cleavage. Or at least he would have, if I had any cleavage. As it was, he kind of taped it to my ribcage. Poor guy. He was totally ripped off.

The interview went well. I was relaxed, witty and insightful, chatting easily about all sorts of fascinating subjects. At least, I desperately hope that's how I look when they edit the thing. And when I came home and ran to the mirror, I was thrilled to see that my mascara was still in place, my eyebrows were neat, and - best of all - there was no egg in my teeth.

It wasn't until this morning that I realised the horrible truth. The 'K' in my 'K' necklace had been turned the wrong way. I'd done the interview upside down.

Oh K! Guess that's just the kind of cover girl I am....

Marie Claire - My Campaign Speech (with a twist..)

Yesterday, I had the great honour of being nominated as a candidate for Marie Claire magazine's next Cover Girl. I was thrilled, and my delight wasn't in the least bit compromised by the fact that the nomination came from myself.

Many of you will be aware of the controversy surrounding Marie Claire's current cover girl, ex-Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins. Ms Hawkins' naked body, untouched by photoshop, supposedly represented a more realistic and positive body image for women everywhere.

Well, Jen is gorgeous and I'm happy to feast my eyes on her. Still, Blind Freddy can see that this supermodel represents realistic womanhood about as accurately as a mooseburger represents a vegan stir fry.

I, on the other hand, am utterly realistic, if for no other reason than I have never won a Miss Universe contest (though, to be fair, I have never actually entered one, and it's entirely possible I would win if I did, given freakishly weak competition, poor lighting, and an inebriated judging panel).

Most importantly, though, I will certainly promote positive body image for anyone who lays eyes on my naked form. There's the caesar scar. The floppy tummy. The floppy boobs. The varicose veins. The chicken pox scars from when I couldn't resist the urge to see what happens when the scab comes off (and for those who don't know, it's way cool. Definitely worth permanent disfiguration).

Then there's my head. The sticky-out left ear. The un-botoxed wrinkles. The occasional pimple (which seems totally unfair - I mean, pimples and wrinkles at the same time?). And then, as the final showpiece, the Bum Finger - the digit torn off in an accident only to end up reattached and looking just like a bottom. Any woman with a normal body - no, any woman with a normal hand - will just love herself in comparison.

So yes, put me on the cover of Marie Claire and women will look at me and feel better about themselves. Momentarily. But then they'll go out and see someone young and beautiful and perfectly formed, and feel crap again. Or they'll turn on the TV and see a large, fairly ordinary looking Australian celebrity chef and feel even better. Or they'll turn on the TV and see a largish but sexy-as-hell British celebrity chef and want to stick their heads in the oven.

You see, the reality, my beautiful friends, is that there will always be people more and less attractive than you, just as there will always be people fatter and thinner, richer and poorer, and more and less intelligent. No-one - not any of these women, and not any magazine - can make you feel unworthy about your appearance except for yourself. I accept myself - with my Sticky-Out Ear, Bum Finger, scars and flop - and you - with all your overweight, flab, imperfections and unique beauty - deserve to accept yourself too.

So thank you all for your support in my campaign. It's actually not so important whether I make it onto the cover or not. But if I can encourage any of you to allow yourselves to feel comfortable with yourselves for a while, then I know I've achieved my goal.