January 17, 2010

Tomorrow I Am Taking A Lover

Tomorrow I am taking a lover.
Why? Because I CAN.
My youngest child is starting creche, my two big kids will be at camp before starting school the following week, and I will have time to myself for the first time in TWO YEARS. Time to do anything I like. Write. Read. Go for a walk. Get a hair cut. Or find a handsome man to come over and ravish me while my husband is at work.
If I like.
Of course, the day may not necessarily pan out like that. The way I see it, there are several possible scenarios:
  1. I take my baby into creche. She sobs when I try to leave. I sob when I try to leave. The carers spend ten minutes prising us apart with heavy machinery developed especially for that purpose*, and I spend the rest of the day paralytic with grief, prostrate on my bed, until the moment it is time to pick her up again.
  2. I take my baby into creche. She smiles and waves when I try to leave. I sob when I try to leave. I still spend the rest of the day paralytic with grief, only this time I feel a bit silly, as the carers assure me (every fifteen minutes when I ring) that my baby is perfectly cheery and having an absolutely delightful time.
  3. I take my baby into creche. I decide it was all a horrible mistake and take her straight home again.
  4. I take my baby into creche. I decide it was all a horrible mistake and try to take her home again, but she cries and says 'No mummy! Want kindy!' and I am forced to shamefacedly return her to the centre.
  5. I take my baby into creche. We both sob a little and then we both recover and I go home to my 26 year old Italian lover Paolo**. Though I cannot actually go through with cheating on my husband, I do allow Paolo to fulfill his favourite sexual fantasy, which is to clean my house and prepare me food whilst dressed in nothing but a pair of black Bonds. After watching him vacuum and mop in his undies, I enjoy an excellent spaghetti puttanesca before picking up my calm, happy children.
  6. I take my baby into creche. We both sob a little and then we both recover and I go home. I clean, do the washing, prepare some schnitzel for dinner, and wonder if I'll ever have time to get my hair cut.
Will keep you posted.
*"Maternal Bond Severance Equipment" or the like.
**Name changed to protect privacy***.
***Okay, name made up to give impression he actually exists.
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17 comments:

  1. Sharpest PencilJanuary 17, 2010 at 9:32 AM

    There is always the possibility that you take toddler to creche. She is happy, you are happy. You go home and Paolo is there in his black Bonds dusting the bookcases while the puttanesca gently simmers. Then the phone rings and the two bigger kids have come down with chicken pox and need to be collected immediately.

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  2. Veronica FoaleJanuary 17, 2010 at 10:26 AM

    I think I love you. Oh and once Paolo is done, can you send him along my way? Ta.

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  3. Aussie-wafflerJanuary 17, 2010 at 10:47 AM

    So I saw that Simon Baker was doing a photo shoot in a suit at Bondi the other day......just saying....

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  4. Melissa HoyerJanuary 17, 2010 at 12:44 PM

    or 7/ I take my baby into creche. They hand me a bill for $600 per week so I go ask Paolo for some 'tips' on making a bit of extra money . . .now you have all this spare time :)
    What a great fun post.
    Thanks for making me chuckle!!
    melissa hoyer

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  5. DanyadoiJanuary 17, 2010 at 12:46 PM

    I agree with Veronica. Once you are down with Paolo could you send him over?

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  6. AnonymousJanuary 17, 2010 at 1:24 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. AnonymousJanuary 17, 2010 at 1:26 PM

    Spelling mistake sorry.
    Take two:
    intrigued at the nature of Paolo's favourite sexual fantasy and wondering at the possibility of cloning him. Maybe this could be your project with all your new spare time?

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  8. dramaqueenJanuary 17, 2010 at 1:51 PM

    I need a Paolo :-)
    actually I would even like his fat cousin, the one in the black tracky daks. Mario, The clean freak, who learnt Italian home cooking from his mumma but would come to my place ( cause mumma doesn't let him lift a finger at home) and he has so much pent up domestic tension that I am kind enough to let him let it out at my place. "No, no, sweet lady" he says "you must let me clean the toilets today"

    Either that or I need a wife

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  9. AnonymousJanuary 17, 2010 at 2:28 PM

    Judging by your spelling mistake, I think it would be better if you pictured Paolo nude. It's easier to spell, and also quicker to get to the bit that counts........

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  10. Jodie AnstedJanuary 17, 2010 at 4:31 PM

    I love it all. You'll be fine. So will she.

    I'm just kinda disappointed that Melissa Hoyer didn't comment on your choice of black Bonds. Does that mean it was a fashion win, or a fashion lose?

    Just sayin'...

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  11. tiff(threeringcircus)January 17, 2010 at 4:38 PM

    I like the sound of your lover but there is a problem.
    Paolo won't be available tomorrow. He will be living that exact same scenario at my house and he will be here all day because I have way more mess than you.

    Truth.

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  12. Maya_AbeilleJanuary 17, 2010 at 8:36 PM

    I'm thinking the lover is less a desire to be unfaithful (or even to watch Paolo clean in his undies) and more due to the fact that for at least the last two years you have had another human being attached to your person AT ALL TIMES and you need to ease into this 'moving about freely without being watched or sat on' business or risk going into shock. A whole day? Forget about getting my hair cut, I'd be looking forward to closing the bathroom door!

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  13. TarynJanuary 17, 2010 at 11:17 PM

    I hope option 7 comes to fruition Kerri! LOL.

    May it all go according to plan (That being option 7). Wink Wink ;)

    Enjoy some time out! You deserve it!

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  14. TarynJanuary 17, 2010 at 11:18 PM

    just checking that you were listening. I mean Option 5. Derr. Of course you know this. I have small brain. apologies. xx

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  15. Little Girl from East St KildaJanuary 19, 2010 at 8:05 AM

    So it's out now! We all know! Paolo is just a cover for ........... the real one! The real man whose name starts with 'P'. How did you think you could keep it quiet? Toddler starts creche, and Prince William flies in for a Three Day ............... Stop Over? (Is that what it's called now?) And 3 days! Boy Kerri that's one long ..... 'stop over'. And excuse me but how did you think you could keep it quiet! It's in the News! It's everywhere! And the coincidence ...... toddler goes to creche and 'P' flies in for a 'Three Day Stop Over'! And you tell hubby what? Prince William visited today for a 'Stop Over'?

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  16. wollywallyJanuary 19, 2010 at 8:13 AM

    ha ha ha,bless you Kerry for your great sense of humor.......about Paolo my personal esperience is they have a "reputation" not substance, and you might end up be called
    "mamma" (mum) during the action, according to a survey I did with my Italians girlfriends married to aussie, well assies men beat italian for performance, ( you know what performance I mean), moral of the story, the grass is not always greener in Italy, stay in your own backyard, love ooxx

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  17. kay minairApril 30, 2011 at 6:01 PM

    I've had the only true love of my life while married. Though, I left the husband and town, everything to be with this man who made me tingle inside EVERY TIME I THOUGHT OF MY ONLY TRUE LOVE, I felt as if I could float in the sky..... he took me to heaven, and I'd do it all over again, cheating or not, IT'S ABOUT MAKING LIFE COUNTS

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