March 24, 2014

The Hurted

Do you ever get hurt by people? Oh. Of course you do. You're human. (Unless you're a sociopathic human, but I suspect sociopaths wouldn't have a particular interest in reading this blog.)

But what do you do when you're hurt by someone? Do you confront them? Talk to them? Send them an email? Cry alone in your room?

I'll tell you what I do. I simmer. I ruminate. I get hurter and hurter. (And yes, I know 'hurter' is not a real word, but it is the most accurate non-word there is.) And then I concoct wild stories in my head in which the person who has hurt me does something really terrible, something so utterly, horrendously vile that I can scream and yell and make an absolute scene and impart something poetically withering that conveys without ambiguity just how hurted I am.


But I don't, of course, because it never happens. And so I just sit on the feelings, and eventually they pass, sort of absorbed into my system, or perhaps into the air. And then I let it go. I never hold grudges. Anger simply feels too uncomfortable to hold on to.

I'm not like this in romantic relationships. I never had any trouble expressing my feelings to my ex. Nor do I hesitate in conveying hurts or upsets to my parents, no did I with my late sister, nor do I with my kids.

It's friends that are hard. So ridiculously hard.

A couple of years back a very close friend sent me an email. She'd been hurt by something I said, and she wanted to clear the air. I was so happy she had sent it, and I was mortified by having distressed her. It gave me the opportunity to apologize, and we moved forward, and all was fine.

On another occasion I actually did confront a friend, after a very long series of small but significant hurts. But I didn't do it nicely, in a thoughtful email. I ended up yelling at her for pretty much nothing at all, which left me feeling far worse than if I'd addressed the issues in the first place.

I'm not sure why I can't express hurts when they occur. It's not that I'm not assertive. I think it's fear of total rejection, or uncertainty about my right to feel hurt in the first place. Either way, it gives rise to some quite bizarre fictional scenes that would play beautifully in some movie starring Meg Ryan and scored by Taylor Swift.

So that's a little insight into the complexities of my brain. What about yours? How do you deal with hurt?

37 comments:

  1. I seethe and ruminate with some ppl and confront gently with others. I wish I was always assertive about it. Can do it with friends, partner & child but not the rest of my family because NO CONFRONTATIONS MUST EVER HAPPEN OR THE SKY WILL FALL X

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  2. My husband and I have a great relationship, and I can tell him what hurts me. He takes it the right way and tries to fix the hurt. My adult children, almost as much. My birth family, not a chance in hell. I can't tell them what's wrong. When my depression was at its worst I would never let them know I was in hospital, or needed help. I didn't see the point, they wouldn't visit, which would hurt more than the hurt that forced me to seek professional help in the first place. I didn't tell them about my agoraphobia until I was well into recovery because they wouldn't understand how much I was hurting.

    I wish I knew how to tell people they've hurt me and get the response I need, but I don't.

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  3. I have been trying to get over a so called friend who hurt me a few years ago and I did approach her about it so we can clear the air but she did not want anything to do me with. (She was the one who hurt me and couldn't face me). Then I found out later on that she said things to other people behind my back which hurt me even more. I dream of what I would say to her if I ever run into her!!!

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  4. I agree with all Michaela said.
    I dared to complain to a family member when my sis refused to help me take mum,who is in a wheelchair, to the toilet when we took her on a family outing to the park.Apparently it is too hard for her to handle ....like it isn't hard me!! My beautiful hub helped me instead.
    I got shot down with "you shouldn't judge others by your standards".gggrrrrrr
    Luckily I had sun glasses on to hide my tears.
    Yes I am one of those who cant talk when hurt because......tears.
    So had to shut up and just take it.

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  5. I very rarely feel hurt by people - so much so, that when I do feel hurt, I don't know how to react because I'm so out of practice - I usually react very awkwardly and send out mixed signals...


    What I don't do - which is, of course, what I should do - is just be honest... but that's something I struggle to do when I'm feeling hurt, because my emotions get in the way of my logic and communication systems, and whatever I'm feeling or whatever I'm saying all comes out the wrong way and not the way I intended... and then it's too late, and the damage is done...


    Then I just feel worse and I get even more muddled up and confused...


    I hate feeling hurt - I just don't cope. Thankfully it very rarely happens to me...

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  6. Like Michaela, I seethe and seethe and seethe. I imagine scenarios (as you do) but in them something terrible happens to me so the person who hurt me (providing they even bloody know!) would feel terribly guilty forever and ever. I struggle with conflict and confrontation.

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  7. Kathy www.yinyangmother.comMarch 24, 2014 at 12:34 PM

    I wear my heart on my sleeve so I hurt bad too. I prefer angry hurt though - it feels like you can release it whereas the hurt that just makes you feel like you've done something really wrong is debilitating for me. I know I need to grow up an stop caring what others think so much.

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  8. Yep. it sucks. I'm glad you don't often experience it.

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  9. I once bumped into a friend who had really hurt me. I had often thought of what I would say. I said nothing.

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  10. That's so hard. I guess if you know you're going to be hurt even more by their response then you're right in protecting yourself by not expressing it.

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  11. Oh, I hold onto grudges for far too long. I still remember the little shits that teased me in primary school and if I ever get a chance to get back at them, I will.

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  12. I become super bitter and have dreams about them ruining my life, or me ruining their life pre-emptively, or everything just getting ruined generally. Very, very useful and productive.

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  13. I am not too bad with little hurts, it's the more significant ones that are worse. They often don't fully register until some time after - maybe I'm fortunate but I find it rare for someone to be intentionally unkind (although I am currently having a horror run with women my mothers age and car parks - but that's another story) and definitely not people I'm close to. So it's more likely to be thoughtlessness, which either doesn't fully register with me at once (surely they didn't mean that?) or I excuse it for a range of reasons - ie. why spoil an otherwise pleasant event, maybe they had a bad day, etc, etc. But then these things can fester and impact relationships - and it is really difficult, I find, to address things post event - it seems out of context, it reflects badly on me that I harbour resentments and so on. I am working on being quicker at identifying negative emotions -I shy away from them because I don't like them - as I've been caught out a few times in the last and lost close friends due to events I hadn't healed from - in fact, hadn't recognised I needed to - until my former friends were well over them, and to them it felt like opening up old wounds. It's a challenge, isn't it?

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  14. I had a tantrum at a Christmas dinner last year - while I was annoyed at the situation that made me crack, it wasn't the real issue and I kind of blew my chance to deal with the bigger picture matter in a calm, rational, adult way. I agree it's uncertainty about the right to feel hurt that fuels the fictional scenes and makes it so hard to deal with these things!

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  15. I just read this aloud to my husband who told me "enough already" which hurt my feelings and I didn't say anything.

    Because I eat my hurt. Hence the 28 extra kilos I'm dragging around hoping someone will notice my pain.

    I'll get around to losing the weight when I manage the hurt, I know. For now, I'll start by being kinder to myself and sharing the hurt as well as the smiles.

    And shoosh husband, I'm writing to Kerrie.

    Love,
    Gabs x

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  16. I have been hurt many times, you just have to sigh and get over it, but funny as much as you try it never seems to leave your mind.

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  17. I simmer too as I hate confrontation. I try to rise above it Buddhist-like with Zen serenity, but it's difficult if the hurt or irritation is profound. xx

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  18. PS: Or better than simmering, I vent to good friends behind said hurter's back... Might not reflect well on my character, but it's great therapy!

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  19. Oh yes. Super productive. Like my fantasies.

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  20. YES. Friend therapy. I do that ALL the time.

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  21. You are spot on. I was an emotional eater for a long time too. The weight will come off when you deal with the feelings. I'm sorry your husband didn't understand, but they often don't. No excuse, I know. But find someone who does and share with them. Sending love xxx

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  22. SUCH a challenge. Thanks for sharing all those thoughts, Helen. Totally get it.

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  23. I know Robyn. Very hard to just 'get over' things. You can forgive.... but hard to truly forget.

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  24. I was in a friendship a few years ago (very close) however things were starting to unravel where it was never about anyone else except this person.
    I received an email out of the blue asking if everything was ok as I seemed a bit 'off' towards her lately.
    I responded to the email and proceeded to tell her EXACTLY what I thought.

    That is where the friendship ended.

    I feel hurt about what we had, however I don't regret telling her my thoughts. Obviously she didn't like it.

    I still think about her and it hurts but sometimes friendships evolve and life goes on.

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  25. I let it rumble around in my heart and soul. I am like you though, no problems expressing my hurt to my family but friends are a different story. It is like your family has to love you but friends may not.

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  26. I've found the easiest way for me to live with others around me is to acknowledge that the only person who can control my feelings is myself. If others hurt me it's almost like giving them a power over me - are they then also responsible for my joy too? What, if anything, do I control if that is the case? Yes, I can react to what someone says (thats the feeling, human side of me coming out!) but I can then choose the emotion I may/may not attach to it. Since I've started to think this way I feel so much more empowered. It's also helping me to be brave and explore why my buttons may have been pushed in the first place.

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  27. Glad others have similar battles - makes me feel less weird about it! (and thanks for writing about it, Kerri)

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  28. I love that way of thinking Leanne x

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  29. That was brave of you. Really was.

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