September 23, 2013

Can You Handle The Truth?

I seem to be going through a rough patch. It doesn't matter why. I mean, it does matter why, but for the purposes of this post it doesn't. Suffice it to say that it's not about the price of fish (which was quite a popular saying when I was young. I suspect it isn't anymore, but that doesn't matter either).

I am probably not tremendous fun to be around at present. I tend to do a lot of sitting and staring into space, alternated with bouts of running furiously to hard-core rap music. (And when I say 'furiously', I mean really, really slowly, and with tremendous pain. Also for no more than six minutes at a stretch, but considering I could only run about 90 seconds three weeks ago, I consider it progress.)

Much of my support system is temporarily out of action. Two of my besties are away and by god I miss them. And my parents go away tomorrow and I will miss them too. Happily there is such thing as email and Skype but it is not the same as coffee and phone calls. Or hugs. Hugs are good. I like hugs, too.

The other day on Facebook someone commented that I was a bit of a downer at the moment. She didn't mean to upset me; it was just an observation. She said it was a bit draining reading my posts. And yes, I suppose it is. I spent many years being riotously funny (or so someone told me. She was a friend of my mum's but I trust her opinion implicitly). Lately I have not felt so funny. And so I may be a bit of a downer. For that I am sorry.

But you know, such is life. We can't all be up all the time. And we can't all be down all the time. If there is one thing I have learned in this long, long life of mine (that sometimes feels super short; it just depends on the day) it is this: Everything passes. EVERYTHING passes.

Joy passes. Sadness passes. Fear passes. Worry passes. The only constant in life is everlasting, ceaseless change.

I will be funny again. This too shall pass. And then, no doubt, somewhere along the line I'll be a downer again. And that will pass eventually, too.

That is the truth. For me, for you, for everyone you know. Whatever you're feeling now will pass. So if it's hard, don't worry. Good times shall come again. And if it's good, hang on to it and enjoy every second. These are the moments to savour.

That doesn't mean you have to stick with me, or with anyone else who is a downer. Life is too short to be pulled down into someone else's quagmire of misery (and yes, I have waited four and a half years to use that word in a blog post. 'Quagmire'. Oh! It is a thing of beauty.) But if you do stick with me, or with whoever else in your life is going through a rough patch, know that it will pass, and that the happy times will come again.

And know that they - we - will appreciate you hanging in there till it does.

(And for the record, this is my favourite running song at the moment. This is the sanitised version. VERY sanitised. The actual song contains the lines 'Till the sweat runs down my balls'. It is so completely ridiculous it makes me laugh. EVERY TIME. No matter how down I am.)


102 comments:

  1. Glad I'm not the only one with an inner homie who turns to hardcore rap for my exercising! Xx

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  2. Ebbs and flows, my love. Ebbs and flows. x

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  3. Here's something good: http://youtu.be/4A6Bu96ALOw
    Sorry to hear it's a bit unfun at the mo. x

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  4. There is now way to be continually up without also being down at times. It's how we face the "downer" moments and rediscover our joy which makes us good people. And how we support each other through all of the ups and downs. You are a wonderful kind hearted person. You do not need to explain yourself xxx

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  5. Sending many many ((hugs)) not sure it will help but it sure as hell can't hurt. I do believe Princess Penelope hugs may help too :) XO

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  6. You can't be funny all the time babe. If I try to be funny when I'm down, I always end up saying something disgustingly awkward, and then I obsess about saying something awkward for DAYS, and it makes me feel shitter.
    Also, we had a cat called quagmire once, I named him that so I would have an excuse to say it. Best. Word. Ever.
    Much love xx

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  7. Oh, Kerri... so long as you keep laughing at my lame jokes on Twitter, I'll keep following you...


    :) xx


    (And for the record, I haven't found you to be "down" at the moment... quiet, but still Kerri...)

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  8. oh man I soooo get this. My GP once said to me after my separation "you know, however you feel today is ok." Took me a good while to process what that meant. (I'm a little slow...) Then I understood that if today i am moody mcbitchface, that's ok. If I feel like having a laugh with friends, that's ok too. Wherever you are in your grief/healing and however you feel at any particular moment is OK. It's just part of the process and if you rush it or try to hide it, you'll end up even more of a basket case. It really does pass. Then it comes back. Then it passes. And so it goes. And it's all ok....

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  9. I'm sticking with you girl! You had me at 'quagmire.' xx

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  10. Chin up lady, I think you're fab!


    I'm in a down position too right now. About to start Anti D's and I'll admit, I'm terrified!


    x

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  11. Oh Kerri - I wish I could give you a hug. Not just any kind of hug - a really tight two-armed hug where boobs get squished.

    I'm kinda having a hard time at the moment too. There has been a significant backing away of people who previously wanted to chat with me on a regular basis. It hurts. But there are also people who've been checking in with me every couple of days - those people are amazing and I love them to pieces for being there for me.

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  12. At the beginning of the year, I, too, thought, " hey, there's something going on with this woman - her (FB) posts are quite 'down'. " And then I found out I was right. And following your blog has become a different experience than it was before. I know from personal experience, that supporting someone who is going through what you're going through, is very, very hard. And while I have recovered from my the trauma of losing my marriage, and the betrayals within it, the BS of the ongoing conflict hasn't really changed. Being my friend is very hard. I only have my young children for half of each week. THAT broke my heart and I haven't recovered. I don't know if I ever will. I have had to 'let go' of my children 17 years earlier than most mothers; but I am thankful they're alive and healthy, it's all I have now. And I isolate myself, because 'how are you?' just makes me want to blurt out all my BS - which is SO OLD (it's 4 years!!), and everyone is SO sick of hearing it. I don't have a blog to share all my stuff; I don't have anyone who has the emotional energy left, after dealing with all of their own stuff, to help me with mine. As a woman, I am so much better off, out of my marriage, and I knew this at the time. I have loved a new man, since my husband left, but I am so busy making enough money to support myself and my children, and making a new way in the world, that I just can't support another adult, the way they need. I have accepted that I will be alone in this world and I do the best I can, everyday, to make that okay. Somethings do pass. Others, we just need to accept.

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  13. WOWWY ABOUT YOUSELF! KANK YOU! JUST DWIVE!

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  14. Thank you honey. And for all the support. I hope you know how much it means xxx

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  15. I cannot believe you had a cat called Quagmire. You have made my day. MY WEEK. xxxxxxxx

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  16. I will always laugh at your lame jokes, JJ xxxx

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  17. YES. I know you get it. And I love the 'moody mcbitchface'. Brilliant x

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  18. You're just human. Like the rest of us (although a tad funnier most of the time). Take care. Take your time. Do whatever. Virtual hugs to you hun. Not as good but still nice :)

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  19. If there is something you can take that can make you feel better, then TAKE IT. May take a while to get the right dose/meds, but chances are you will get the relief you need so DO IT xxxx

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  20. Oh honey. I hear you. I really do. Hang in there. We are hugging each other and squishing each others' boobs virtually right now xxx

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  21. Oh Kirsty. I am so sorry to hear you've been through that. How absolutely heartbreaking for you. I don't know you but if your kids are young then you are too. And I think it is far too soon to decide that you are going to be alone in this world. Maybe you need to now, at this stage, whilst the kids are young and you're recovering. But life is long and it will look VERY different in 5, 10, 15 years. Don't close that door just yet. I don't believe for a second you're going to be alone forever. Just right now. xxxxxxxxxxxx

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  22. Hey Kerri - I'm sticking with you baby and eagerly awaiting your Phoenix-like rise. To do so I realised a while back that I'd have to suppress my natural aversion to cat posts, and you know what? It hadn't been too bad. Just don't ask me to start running...
    Hang in there beautiful Kerri x

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  23. It was the price of eggs when I was a kid, and we're the same age so I'm guessing that once again you folks in Sydney had to glam it up again. A quagmire is to be wallowed in, do it. Always here, whether I have to sit next to the quagmire and chat or hit Wholefoods in London. Remember that? We'll always have Wholefoods - you, me, and my husband gazing into your mother's eyes. Love you darls. xx

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  24. I know you are going through a rough patch at the moment but you and your brilliant blog definitely are not a downer.
    Even as you write a serious post your beautiful little rays of sunshine beam through and you put a smile on my face.
    You are so right,everything will pass,but one thing I know for sure,your awesome will always be here.xx

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  25. Honey you can be as sad as you need to be for as long as you need to be. I want to smack that person. I'll be sticking around, thank you very much. Rassnfrassn xxxxxxx

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  26. Oh Kerri I hope you're ok.
    I had a friend tell me that she lost touch with me because at the time my struggles were too much for her. I can sort of understand.
    Reach out to us if you need - and don't feel bad about these immediate feelings.

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  27. Anyone who can't stick with you through the rough patches isn't worth knowing. I was once told by a facebook "friend" that I was always negative, but hey, that's how life was at the time. We are no longer friends. Just tell your truth, Kerri and we will still be here for you.

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  28. Ooooo can there be a moody mcbitchface club? Can I join? Please? I'll bring cake.
    You are both very awesome ladies. I'm just sayin

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  29. I would rather like to come to Sydney right now and give you a big hug. Unfortunately I shall have to settle for laughing at your epic song choices. None of us can be Mary Fucking Sunshine all the time and that's ok. It's all ok. xxx

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  30. Honey, we are all a Facebook message, email or phone call away. Some are even a Tweet away, although not me any more. That too, passed ! You are right. Nothing is for ever. Good times, bad times. Hopefully, not in equal measure. Take care. xxx

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  31. This is such a great post for two reasons.


    1) I am also a downer at present. Just going through a rough patch. You know, all those things. The biggest lesson I'm learning at the moment - those that come to your rescue/aid at times like these are the real deal. We are incredibly social usually but haven't generally been out on a weekend in some time. Lots of people have dropped off and you don't hear so much as boo. But the ones that are calling to make sure you're ok, they're the keepers.


    2) This post is also great because of this SONG! I have a group of friends that this is our song. Imagine a very well groomed blonde classy lady singing this song. Yes, she is hilarious when she hears the sweat ball bit! I'm so glad you found this song. It will always make you smile. So, thank you for reminding me that this bad time will pass. We'll all still be here with you. Downer or not, you are still VERY funny! xx

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  32. One thing I have learned is that being down is OK - if that's how it is, well then that's how it is. And anybody who cannot handle the truth is not a true friend. I too am down at the moment and I can empathise with your feelings of aloneness due to your support system being "away". I miss people dreadfully when they are not where they are supposed to be, even if their usual abode is another state. They are MY people and they are not there. Just go with the flow, you are quite right: This too shall pass

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  33. LOL. You always have such a delicate way of putting things! Love it! xxx

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  34. And yet another beautiful comment from a beautiful soul x

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  35. YEAH! Moody McBitchface club! I'm in! @Benita (Missbenben) @Danya

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  36. Oh! A kindred spirit! So glad! Thanks love. And enjoy the sweaty balls!!!! x

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  37. Thank you honey. And you are a very much loved constant for me here. x

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  38. I can understand too... it's happened to me... but still. OUCH. Thank you love. You're always an inspiration x

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  39. Nah, don't smack her. She wasn't trying to be hurtful. Was just an observation. Rassnfrassn to you too xxxx

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  40. OH yes. You, me, my mum, and Mr Besotted. Special times. xxxxxx

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  41. I'm glad the intent of my original message on facebook (yes, it was me!) wasn't taken the wrong way. I get that life sucks at times, but I guess that's my optimism coming forth.... surely life isn't THAT bad ALL THE TIME was my intent, and I know that you have said that it isn't, which is good.



    With my own problems in life, I am more inclined to have a whinge, be done and move forth, suck it up and get on with it. I have always joked that when my breakdown comes it is going to be fucking spectacular because I don't tend to dwell on the negative for very long or hang on to it. Having said that, I haven't had nearly as much shit happen to me as has had happen to you in the last few years.


    In any case, be who you need to be, I will still read because I reckon you're pretty awesome.

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  42. PMSL. Oh you've made me laugh. To be honest, I'm kind of tiring of the cat posts, too. NOT THE CAT. But the posts. May have to buy another rabbit..... #OHGODNO xxxx

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  43. Congrats on continuing the running despite the difficulty! You're right everything passes. I relate to and understand much of what you write about and hope you keep writing. It's so helpful to write your truth when you're struggling not just for you but for everyone else who resonates with something you say and feels just a little less alone.

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  44. And we can wear flower crowns which will mean DO NOT APPROACH WITHOUT CAKE, CHOCOLATE, SOMETHING DEEP FRIED OR BOOZE!

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  45. and one thing you should never do, is doubt yourself. You have NOTHING to prove....

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  46. 26 Years & CountingSeptember 23, 2013 at 3:36 PM

    I was told that by someone on fb a few years ago. Actually they said "lighten the f#ck up for once". I deleted them straight away. I had a really hard life at the time, and too bad if they didn't like what I posted about! It was only in a lot of hindsight I realised I probably had depression at the time. Good job on the running, I hope it helps :)

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  47. Considering how much joy and humour and heart your words have given us over the years, I think we can take a little sadness. It's through our vulnerabilities we truly connect. xx

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  48. I just want to give you a hug Kerri. Things will get better I promise. Hang in there sweetie. We're all here for you. xx

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  49. Next time I come to visit I shall wear my wrestling gear and we shall wrestle in a quagmire of jelly ... err did I just say that out loud? Oops ... Hang in there hon. You know it does get better, and there doesn't have to be jelly involved xxxx

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  50. Dear Kerri, For what it's worth, I feel like I know you through reading your posts/books. You seem to be on the same wavelength with so many people. I just wanted to say thank you for telling it like it is. Too many people hide their truth because they're afraid others can't handle it. Like many have said, those who stick with you are your true friends. I still follow you despite my aversion to cats :) As a friend once said: "just keep going". (PS. A little off topic, but have you ever considered a collection of "Stuff The Five Year Old Says"? Classic. Humour through adversity is some of the best kind.) Thanks Kerri, keep going :)

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  51. While for some people your 'down' posts might seem draining, for others it may just be comforting. I think I can somewhat relate about the support networks not completely being in action. My parents have been an immense support to me over the years and my mum has been a sanity saver since the Little Mister was born in particular. They are away for a month but it has felt like a decade! The amount of times I would have asked my mum for honest, no holds barred advice, met her for coffee (in which I would drink juice) and ask for a little bit of babysitting or simply extra hands out and about running errands on no sleep!! I have had some down moments & know this can be a trigger for mild bouts of depression (they travel a lot lucky buggers). I just try to recognise this and keep being brave - doing OK so far thank goodness.

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  52. I hear you. I do. Well done on being brave and keep hanging in there. I get it! xxxxxx

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  53. Thank you so much for that. Really. And yes! My 5yo is hysterical. No matter how awful I'm feeling, she always, ALWAYS makes me laugh. Every day. (And yell. But that's another story....) xxxxxxxx

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  54. Oh god, how awful. Glad you deleted them. We can only be who we are, while we are being it (if that makes any sense at all, which I suspect it doesn't.....) xxx

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  55. Oh! Thanks Sam. I shall try to live up to that wonderful accolade *insert exceedingly funny joke here* xxxxx

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  56. I'm so glad. That's what I try to do. Thanks Elle xxx

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  57. Hello!!!! Thank you. Truly. You inspired this post and you got me to think about things a lot. And I am going to try to focus more on the positives (though no doubt I'll still post some deep and meaningful and woeful stuff too). I love your attitude. Glad to have you sticking with me! xxxxxx

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  58. Yes!!! One of my besties lives in a different state but she is overseas now and I can't pick up the phone and call her and I MISS her. But I know I'm so lucky to have her and my other loved ones in my life. I am sending my love to you and hope you get out of your quagmire (there it is again) very soon xxx

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  59. Kerri, you manage to be funny even when you're in that quagmire. Keep your chin up, girl. Things will get better with time even though that expression seems such a bore right now. If you ever fancy a glass of wine or 8 in Sydney to sooth your soul, give me a call. I'm a good listener as long as I can talk about myself too.

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  60. Kerri, you truly find out who your real friends are when things are bad - my experience is that people treat you so very differently when you're having a rough time. They are very judgmental and critical. And most people have never experienced really tough times so they don't have any real empathy. They wouldn't have a clue what it's like to go through seriously bad stuff. That's their luck I suppose but these people usually don't have a lot of depth or compassion.

    As you know I've had a truly shocking few years losing my home and pretty much everything. It's been a massive struggle to pull out of it and it's only just recently that I've come good. But I have to rebuild everything all over again. It's hard as i was young and successful - owned my own house, business all great.

    To lose everything that I worked so hard for is daunting. I also lost all my family and friends and more. I even lost my life for a while and had my heart re-started a few times, waking up a week later in intensive care with memory loss. Aaaarrrr how much loss can a person take?! I'm laughing now.

    But what did I gain? Significant understanding, compassion, ability to stay calm under major stress and serious problems. I'm no longer judgmental, I have a completely different outlook on life. Is that worth everything I loss? No. Not at all. But maybe one day soon when I get things back on track I will think differently, that it will be worth it.

    I can laugh though - I have an excellent excuses for my memory problems..... I was in a coma! Just try and beat that!

    I'm sure you are still really funny Kerri but that's not why I admire you so greatly. I love reading your posts as they are genuine and real. They're not silly fluff, I can find that anywhere but it's not what I want.

    I want to know that other people are going through tough times and how they are handling it. I desperately want to know that I'm not alone, that others are having tough times too.

    There's time for funny and I'm sure that you, like me, are finding laughs through the crap. Because we have to, that's how we get through it. That and alcohol!!!!!

    xxxxxx

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  61. Don't forget the pet blogger awards!

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  62. Kerrie I read your posts because I like your writing and the way you think. The fact that you're happy or sad seems to be something I just accept. I actually hate people who are 'up' all of the time. I follow a lot of health and fitness bloggers and some drive me friggin' crazy with all of their perfect and healthy living. I mean, WTF?!


    The lack of support thing I get. My two closest friends (and only single friends) both paired up 4-5 years ago as I was going through fertility treatment (alone). Both moved in with partners really quickly and were suddenly not-as-available. I really struggled as I'd completely lost my support network (we spoke, emailed, caught up regularly). They no longer needed my support after a bad day or to debrief about crap... but I still needed them (and - understandably - they had many other more important priorities). I actually ended up relying on my mother a lot more than I had previously. She was in another town but I could talk to her about the stuff I would have previously 'dumped' on my friends.

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  63. Oh that is SOOOO hard. I really do feel for you. And I'm glad you have your mum. You will find your new tribe, if you haven't already. And yes - the 'up' people make me crazy too! TOTALLY agree! xxx

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  64. You have certainly gone through the wringer. I would suggest you write a book, but people would probably dismiss it as unbelievable! Thank you for your comment. I have taken your words to heart. xxxx

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  65. Sounds awesome. We will have to do that x

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  66. I relate Kerri and the advice about it passing (whether it be good or bad times) is something I have had to remind myself many times. I have Bipolar Type 2 with rapid cycling and have spent over 80% of my days in the past year with symptoms - Anxiety, depression, irritability, distress. Normal pops in for a visit and the runs away again lol. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that it will pass.

    Thank you for your honesty and I'm sorry you are having rough times. You are a beautiful lady and you don't have to put on a brave clown face for anyone xx

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  67. I completely get this. But you know what Kerri? You don't need to be up all the time. You just don't. You aren't a robot, and considering what you've been through you can bloody well feel however you want! Also, this is YOUR space to say whatever YOU want, about how YOU feel. It doesn't matter how we feel, because when we come to your blog, we are coming into your space and your rules. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, but I'm also a downer at the moment and I've finished a bucket of Jack. Because tipsy.


    Anyway, hugs and stuff. And Simon Baker dipped in Nutella.

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  68. I think it's a phase of the moon. I've been feeling similarly of late...and it's a pain in the proverbial...but sometimes one just has to go with the flow; and hope it passes sooner than later. You're not Robinson Crusoe, Kerri...if that is any consolation. I'm just staying clear of people as much as I can....for me that's the best way for me to deal with my down mood. We all deal differently and individually. And as others have said...we can't be "up" all the time...the life of the party. So hang in there...it will pass. I have to put together a couple of flat pack cupboards this week...I'm sure that will jolt me back to reality! :)

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  69. This is my blog...http://kitconn.blogspot.com.au/

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  70. One day at a time, one step at a time that is all we can do. For every gain there is a loss ... Just be true to you and allow yourself the space to grieve. Life is a rollercoaster and we must learn to ride the ups and downs. Always remember you are not alone. A huge hug Yolanda

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  71. You write a great blog Kerri. We laugh with you at the funny stuff and commiserate with you over the not-so-funny stuff. You are right, this too shall pass. Anyone who doesn't like what you write has the ability to stop reading any time they like! Personally, I'm just glad you have the energy to log on and keep writing - it's good for your soul :-)

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  72. Dear Kerri- I think you're post is great and I can so relate to you feeling down and not funny at the moment but you're right it will pass and the sun will shine again. I will continue to read your post as they are REAL and not fake... you feel good- great... you feel low- just accept it and hang on (keep running... ) and know that you will get to a better spot again. Then you look back and realise that it all made sense and you HAD to endure this rough patch because you needed to maybe transform, learn something or just needed a reminder to appreciate the good moments in life- as you said to savour them again. So hang in there girl. Kiss from Germany x

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  73. Hey lady, hang in there. You're excellent. Life takes everyone up and down. Feeling it (not faking it), going through it, coming out the other side. That's what it's all about. And if you like the excellent Lil Jon, can I humbly suggest the most excellent Crunk Hits Vol 4 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gh4AZlMcyoM

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  74. And further to my previous response...the answer to your sweating problems when running is...just stop carrying balls when you run and you'll have no problems!

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  75. A poignant post Kerri...as always you manage to elicit smiles and chuckles as well as pause for thought and reflection. Bravo!

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  76. HA! Getting it now. AWESOME!!!! Thank you xxx

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  77. Thank you honey. Or thank you in German. Dankeshein??? xxx

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  78. It is good for me. Hard at times, but good. Thanks Loraine x

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  79. Ah yes... the rollercoaster. Thanks love x

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  80. Oh lord. I think that would send me right over the edge! Good luck xxx

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  81. Nutella and Milo? EXCELLENT. And the sex with Simon will come. I KNOW IT *coughs*

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  82. Thanks you honey. So sorry you're having such a rough time. And yes. It will pass. It will pass. Hang in there. I'm with you x

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  83. Hey, I can barely believe it! Laugh xxxx

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  84. x I feel ya.

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  85. Dude...I don't read your posts for the funny. I read them for the honesty. The funny is a plus, but the honesty keeps me coming back. Keep on running. - Jenny

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  86. I would rather be reading even your most downer-ish posts than doing many, many other things. Except daydreaming about Alexander Skarsgard. He takes precedence, sorry. Happy thoughts and unicorns and rainbows and all that kind of soppy stuff to you - and big love xxx

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  87. I needed to read this today! Your honesty is admirable and I hope you are feeling much happier again very soon. I'm sticking around!!!

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  88. Danke schön :) it is xxx

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  89. It probably will send me over the edge...I'm still thinking about it...and looking at it. I could be still doing the same thing this time next year!! I hate flat-packs!! :)

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