September 17, 2013

Pushing Through

This morning I went for a run. I have just started running and it is hard. I have to force myself to don my joggers and my pitiful excuse for running gear (torn leggings and an old singlet) and get out the door. I have to force myself for the sake of my mental health, to run off some of the tension bubbling away inside of me.
 
But it is hard.
 
It is hard getting through a run like it is hard getting through the days. And that is hard because life is hard. I have the most beautiful kids in the world, and I live in a lovely apartment, and my parents are unbelievably supportive, and I have a handful of amazing, loyal friends who keep me buoyant. I love my work and I love my cat and I am lucky enough to have relatively good health.
 
I am lucky, but it is hard.
 
It is hard being a (newly) single mother of three kids. It is hard dealing with the myriad of financial challenges that presents. And it is hard coping with the dozens of other hurts and sadnesses and worries and confusions and fears that are too personal and private to write about, but that you would all relate to, because we all go through them.
 
Yesterday I heard some terrible news. An online friend lost her husband, a vibrant, healthy young man. He died suddenly and tragically. It is awful, just awful. It is not my tragedy. It is not my family. But it devastated me. It brought back home the fragility and unpredictability of life. I am so sad for my frined. I am so sad for my own parents, who lost their daughter nearly six years ago now. 

 
It is hard. It is all hard. But this morning, I went for my run. It started to rain when I was about five minutes into it, and the water was hitting my face, and I had to blink away the raindrops, and I was cold and wet and my legs were hurting. But I pushed through, because I had promised myself that I would. And then one of my favourite songs came on my iPod* and I suddenly got that rush of endorphins, and I surged forward, and I felt good, really good. I finished the run and I am sitting here now, tired and hungry and wet, but with an enormous sense of accomplishment. 
 
And that is what I will continue to do, today, tomorrow, and every day. I will push through. I will push through as you will all push through, because that's what we do, because that is life. And there will be good moments and bad moments and absolutely fantastic moments and moments that are really fucking awful. But we will push through them all. 
 
Wet and cold and tired, but with an enormous sense of accomplishment. We will push through.
 
*My Life (50 Cent feat Eminem & Adam Levine). Awesome.

59 comments:

  1. Loved this post. Just. keep. going x

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  2. Just remember, you don't always have to run. Some days you can walk. As long as you keep moving xxx

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  3. Oh Kerri. I used to run, everyday. Now I only run when stuff might be on fire, or in case of clowns.
    My dad always says that worrying is like praying for something you don't want, sometimes when he says that, I feel better, but most of the time it just makes me worry more. It's a vicious cycle. I hope you find your balance soon, from a fellow worrier, massive hugs and happy running xx.
    (Ps. The Hilltop hoods, is fantastic running music, it's like Australian Eminen with funk, I imagine you would like it xx)

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  4. It's like you read my mind this morning. Onward, upward, forwards xxx

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  5. Oh Kerri ... lots on my mind yesterday too. Have been thinking of you. It's not easy. x

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  6. The world is pressing down hard on me at the moment. So hard I can't get a breath. I'm scared about everything. Each day stretches before me like a long walk in soft sand and each night brings a little relief that I got through another day. I'm struggling to push through it but somehow do so every day. Why the fuck is it all so hard?

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  7. Praying for something you don't want. I have to remember that. But everything feels so freaking precarious and the world might shatter into a thousand pieces if I breath too deep. I can't run anymore and nothing else is cutting it in terms of doing something physically so draining it takes away from the emotional.

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  8. The burning off of the adrenalin helps with anxiety episodes....when I feel "those episodes" about to get me I just go for it and burn them away....also good for physical well being overall....keep on running...keep on running

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  9. Gorgeous lady, you are loved. Keep pushing through. Xxxxx

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  10. Yep, it's pretty profound, he thinks that worry s investing universal energies into an unwanted outcome, that if you can catch that worry at the beginning and use it to focus only on a desirable outcome is a far better use of energy.
    The 70's were hard on my dad, but he makes a lot of sense. Love to ya Kimbo. Big love xx

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  11. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that life can be hard. I used to think it was hard all the time, but now, after all the pain, all the trauma and drama, it is not so hard. It will get easier. You will keep going, putting one foot in front of the other until you realise that life just is. Big hugs..

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  12. Luv this post Kerri, it's good to hear real stuff from real people. Sometimes I think that I'm the only one with major problems. I've been thru more crap in the past five years than a hundred people combined in a lifetime. If I wrote a book everyone would seriously think it was fiction!



    But I'm so determined that it ends now and the next stage of my life will be truly wonderful. I deserve that and I will make it happen.


    I really liked reading about the important stuff that you are grateful for - your parents, friends, children, cat. I think that the majority of people have no idea what it's like to go thru real shit without family and close friends, it's so hard. That gets to me so often and I just think to myself quickly that's the way I'm meant to learn and it won't always be like that. I won't always be so alone. I have two beautiful furry girls, one is seriously ill and needs major surgery. We'll get through it.


    It helps, it really does, to read posts like yours which are honest and real. Thank God it's not me, someone else is going thru crap! Thanks Kerri for that - laugh. Best wishes to you xxxx

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  13. Yep, we will puch through... we DO push through xx

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  14. Oh yes. A run. Blasting Music. Sometimes even a scream (for icecream or for no reason at all). All great stuff for pushing on through. Keep going xx

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  15. Kerri this post gave me shivers and goosebumps and I'm trying not to cry because I'm in a library. Kudos to you. Love to you. Continued braveness to you. And I'm thinking about Lisa every day, every hour.


    You keep running, beautiful chickadee. Awesome fricken iPod song xxxxxxx

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  16. Kerri you're halfway there by acknowledging that it's hard and that you struggle. You're also further along than you may feel, by knowing that you have to just push through. Because there is no alternative. I spent the first couple of years of my life as a single mum whinging about how hard it was but not taking any ownership in it. Then I realised that this is it. This is my life. And damn it's hard but it's mine and I have to stand up and own it and be proud of getting me and my kids from morning to night in one piece. You're doing ok, believe me. Just keep pushing and believe in yourself xxx

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  17. Keep going Kerri. You are awesome. Running is hard. It sucks but I do it. Life is hard, but I do it. We have to. Love to you x

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  18. We will definitely push through, cause the alternative just sucks.

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  19. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, Kerri, that's what we all try to do. Even when it's hard. I'm battling with a lot of crap in my own life and the 'keeping going' part is all I am about right now. But not for too much longer. A change is coming and I'm hanging on for that.
    Kia kaha, Kerri. Love always xxx

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  20. Sometimes I think life is a bit like a long run, because it's full of hurdles, you have to keep on going and everything works out alright in the end (if it's not alright, it's not the end.) I couldn't run for a bus a few years ago, and this weekend I'm running my third half marathon (or at least, trying to.) Running is cheaper than therapy, you never need to wait for an appointment and when everything else is going to shit, running is one thing you can control. I truly think it's possible to run yourself happy... so keep on running. One step at a time xx.

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  21. Found myself nodding throughout, wishing I could hold your hand and tell you that what you're doing is terrific and hard and lonely at times but all incredibly worth it. Sometimes the mere act of being polite to someone we'd rather punch in the face is achievement enough for one day and others we find ourselves amazed at what we've been able to do.

    Dare I add my own story here - http://blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.ch/2008/08/day-thirty-one-appreciative-august.html ??

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  22. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" ........Ain't that the truth ? Keep on keeping on, Kerri. XXX

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  23. I concur! You have described that overwhelming feeling of it all being too hard, even though we can see the blessings in our lives. I needed this today; you have reminded me how good it feels to do 'unthinking' exercise. I can't run, but it's time I dragged myself back to the pool. Thanks! :)

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  24. I miss you my beautiful friend. Keep pushing through xxxx

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  25. Yes. Or even hobble. Thank you. I know you understand x

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  26. Thank you hon. I still remember the day you became a single mum. Amazing you have come so very far. I hope you're proud x

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  27. THANK YOU. And that is wonderful to hear. For both of us x

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  28. They say life wasn't meant to easy. Its just we don't expect it to be so hard. Running or exercise is so important for the mind. Just know you are stronger than you ever realised. It is this strength that will carry you through.

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  29. Yesterday was SO sad. And I'm still sad. Thank you for thinking of me. I'll get there. I will. xxxxx

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  30. THANK YOU. And I have a Hilltop Hoods song! The Nosebleed Section. I love it. I will get more. xxx

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  31. I keep telling myself that. Hard, though! xxx

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  32. I miss you too. Like, HEAPS. Thank you for reading darling. Now go travel x

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  33. I don't know, hon. I just don't know. All I know is that it is. But the hard times don't last. THIS I know too. It will pass. Life will get easier again. All we can do is keep getting through the hard times till the easy times come back. I am so sorry you are struggling. I am with you x

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  34. YES. It is helpful. And it's kind of all I can do x

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  35. Hello! And NO. You are not the only one going through crap. And (selfishly), it helps me to know I'm not the only one either. I'm sorry one of your little furry babies is sick. That SUCKS. It is not fair and I hope she gets better really quickly. You will not be alone permanently. Whatever you are going through (and I totally get that 'people would think it was fiction' thing!), your hard times will pass and there will be good times ahead. Because that's just the rollercoaster of life. I know. I'm on it! Sending love xxxx

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  36. YES. Sometimes I scream on the freeway, when no-one can hear me. SO therapeutic. x

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  37. You keep running too, my love. We will both get there. Miss you xxx

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  38. YES. Thank you hon. Love to you too x

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  39. Change. Yes. It has to come. Because life constantly changes. Sending love to you too hon x

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  40. Thank you. I will keep running. And jumping hurdles. Love to you x

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  41. I was a single parent for 12 years. My 1st husband & I separated when my daughters were 6 & 4. I was living on my own in London & it was tough, really tough. But, I did get through it, it did get easier and joy, hope, love all returned. I'm glad you have your parents and good friends to help & comfort you. And you have the support of an amazing online community too, which you've created. So keep moving, yoga's great too, and so is sitting in the sun, somewhere beautiful, letting the warmth & beauty wash over you. I wish you well. Jx

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  42. THANK YOU Jennifer. That's an inspiring comment and I appreciate it xxx

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  43. Oh hon. I just read it. What an amazing and honest and inspiring post. Running your way to wellness. I'm so happy to hear how far you've come. Thank you x

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  44. Kerri i think u r doing brilliantly well in the face of some terrible adversity. Keep pushing love. xx

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  45. great post Kerri... I was stuck in an awefully deep depression beginning of the year and I am glad I pushed through it and didn't give myself up - as I so desperately wanted- noooo as you I didn't stop "running" and now I am able to experience the beauty of life every day and the good moments feel even better - hug from Germany x

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  46. I need to run. This post has inspired me to run. I think I will go in the morning...maybe.


    All I know is, the bubbling tension and all the STUFF and my mind needs to get clearer, much clearer.


    Thinking of you and just admiring the hell out of you that much more (which was borderline creepy as it was). xxx

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  47. Wow - so sorry about your friend, and your own struggles - but amazing about the endorphins! (Not sure I've ever felt them when running). Cling to those positives, and I hope your friend and her family can get to a point, where although they will always miss their husband /dad / son, etc, this will be mitigated to some degree by feeling blessed that he had been part of their lives xx

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  48. Thanks so much for sharing this. It will help me to push through today :)

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  49. I've been there and it is hard but you're doing well and have a great attitude. Running helps to purge the tension and release those good endo feelings, and out in the fresh air is so much better than stuck in a gym. Plus the bonus is your legs will get toned and shapely (even more than they are now :)

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  50. congratulations Daniela ! it's so hard to pull ourselves out of depression!

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  51. Thanks Kerri, no wonder so many people love you! xxx

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  52. It has taken me a while to find a blog which speaks so raw and openly about anxiety. I'm so pleased I stumbled across yours, though I wonder where I've been all this time. I'm happy that I add to this growing number of voices talking about this raw and real topic at thefalliblegirl.com.

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Thanks! Love hearing from you.

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