December 3, 2012

Worst. Pic. Ever. Now with ACTUAL PHOTO.

YUP.
So today I took the worst photograph of myself in five years. Yes, it was time for my license renewal, that most hideous of chores for anyone who doesn't like seeing themselves portrayed on a small oblong card as a demented, ice-addicted criminal.

My old license expired yesterday, and I was happy to see it go. Even though it was taken five years ago, when I was still in my thirties, the picture makes me look like a fifty four year old - a fifty four year old with a bad case of scurvy who hasn't slept in about a year.

I knew that license photos are never attractive, but I felt that with a bit of preparation and a lot of makeup, I could beat the odds and produce one that, at the very least, wouldn't make my daughter cry when she stumbled upon it in my purse.

So this morning I carefully applied some eyeshadow and lipstick, and used about three litres of concealer on the bags under my eyes. I washed my hair and put in lots of 'product' to make it bouncy and curly, and made sure that it was draped artfully over my sticky-out ear (and the other ear too, just to be symmetrical).

And off I went to the RTA.



I filled out my forms and paid the bill, and then the lovely young man behind the counter told me not to smile.

Well, let me tell you this. I don't respond well to being told not to smile.

I began to giggle. Then I began to laugh. Then I tried to smother my laughter by biting my tongue. Then I took a deep breath and pursed my lips to calm myself down....

And that's when the photo was taken.

It is terrible. Just awful. I look like a middle aged virgin schoolteacher who lost her fiance in the war, and has never recovered from the pain. Even worse, my hair is flat on the top and the bags under my eyes are dark grey.

So the moral of the story is, don't even bother trying. License photos are there to hurt you and amuse everyone else.

And if you can't hack that bitter truth, go buy yourself a pushbike and leave the car at home. Which is what I am thinking of doing in another five years time.

46 comments:

  1. At least dear Kerri, AT LEAST it’s only for a few years. My passport photo, and its experience, was diabolical. I’d left things a little late before the obligatory appointment at the post office so ran up the road to the dodgy photo place. I say ran, it was more like crawled, because a world-ending migraine had hit about two hours earlier. Now when I get a doozy of a migraine half my face kind of slides down. One eye usually droops and everything goes a little blurry. I look like I haven’t slept in days, weeks, months. Nonetheless, I took my falling face into the store. I also had short hair at the time, the type that flicks softly across your forehead, Audrey style. No one told me I couldn’t have Audrey hair across my forehead for a passport shot so photoman, in his infinite wisdom, decided to pin, yes PIN my hair back and with minimal notice took the photo. The resulting mess is so awful that on the following holiday, the man at Heathrow immigration actually laughed. He laughed at my face. This face is with me for the next eight years.

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  2. I feel your pain. DL photos shatter whatever illusions we so carefully try to create and believe about ourselves. Take comfort in the fact that your reality is far better than mine and many others.

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  3. ha ha ha ha ha. Well we all know beauty is on the inside ; )

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  4. Oh that's too funny!! I got mine last week too and I'm still waiting for them to post it to me so I haven't seen the photo yet. Don't smile for a photo?? It's just too hard! Bet mine will rival yours for worst when I get it!

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  5. This is definitely the RTAs secret joke on the rest of us. I look like a hooker that has just been arrested for indecent exposure in my licence photo - HORRIFIC!

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  6. I get a new one EVERY year in hopes of out-doing the previous years. The reality is, they just get worse.

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  7. Sorry but that's one of the funniest (as in tragi-funny) stories I've ever heard!!!!! xxx

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  8. Oh love. My reality is generally nice makeup and a good photographer! I don't look like this when I get out of bed!!!!!!!

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  9. I did the same thing as you - put time into putting makeup on and did my hair (BIG MISTAKE, I put combs in and did it up), in my photo I look like a rosy-cheeked Penelope Seidler. It's the worst. Five years. OMG.

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  10. Yeah, why not instant? What backward state are you in?

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  11. I'd rather look like a hooker than a tragic virgin....

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  12. Lisa @ Bithe MomentsDecember 3, 2012 at 12:07 PM

    My father has white hair. Against a white background it appears that he has no top of his head. I look like an elf. Seriously somehow my ears look pointy and I look strangely reminiscent of Hugo Weaving in Lord of the Rings. Everyone who has seen my licence photo agrees.

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  13. I dare everyone who comments to post a picture of their licence photo, then I doubt you'll feel as bad... I'll go first (and at least we're allowed to smile in Victoria - makes our road rage all so much more palatable)...

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  14. Aaargh! You can't smile anymore? Screw it, I'll just walk everywhere.

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  15. Umm where is your left eye? Not that I can say anything, both passport and drivers are tragic. Both when I was I blonde, I get over over arguing with customs and police, "yes that is me I have just changed my hair colour". I got stuck in China last year try to explain to someone with very little English that is blonde younger me. Please let me out of the country.

    http://iliska-dreams.blogspot.com.au/

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  16. The lady that did my recent photo took the first one, looked at it and burst out laughing. She said 'Oh dear, we can't have THAT out there!' and took another one. In the photo we kept I look old, but not hideous....but I wonder how bad the first one must have been.

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  17. www.phoodie.wordpress.comDecember 3, 2012 at 1:57 PM

    I love how you go through the pain of this task, (as we all do) and then POST the photo for the world to see! GENIUS! ps it's not THAT bad.... you gotta see mine.... i look like an 87 year old MURDERER on the loose!

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  18. Kerri, there is something wrong with the RTA's cameras. Every time I get my licence back, there's a picture of an old man on it. No idea, who he is......

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  19. Mine is a million times worse, but I'm just glad I have one now, after finally getting my licence at a, ahem, mature age.

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  20. LOL. Rosy-cheeked Penelope Seidler. LOVE IT!

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  21. It's NICE!!! You look HAPPY!!! Not a tragic virgin schoolteacher like me!!!

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  22. HA! I may have to explain that I have a new left eye....

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  23. She LAUGHED??? Oh that is just cruel.

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  24. I originally posted a photo of Shrek. I changed it after public pressure shamed me.
    I regret it deeply. Shrek was better.

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  25. That's ridiculous. Clearly they have their systems muddled up.

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  26. My friend is nearly 50 and still doesn't have his license. After about 9 failed attempts he gave up, especially as his wife told him she wasn't ever going to let him drive their kids around anyway.

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  27. Thats truly hideous Kerri. As bad as Nick Nolte's mug shot Congrats.

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  28. Reminds me of that Spicks & Specks segment, "Musician or Serial Killer".
    Serial killer, definitely serial killer.

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  29. It doesn't look like you. Looks more like some creepy single white female trying to be you...

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  30. Somehow, in Qld, I can still logon to the Transport website, pay the fee, and they post me out a NEW LABEL. NO NEW PHOTO. Which is great. Except that my photo on my licence is now 10+ years old. Which, looking at my licence is awesome, until they look up and compare it to me. The much older, much tireder, now grey version of me.
    Ugh.

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  31. Oh shit yeah. I HATE it when they think I'm a musician.

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  32. You calling me a creepy single white female?

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  33. LOL. Yep. I can see the disadvantages of that....

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  34. I think licence photos would be much improved if people were allowed to smile.

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  35. So so true! I have kept my photo unchanged for some time. A dredlocked 20 something stares out where there should be a mid 30's women with a hastily placed ponytail and baby spit on her sleeve. I keep waiting for someone at transport to point this out and tell me to give it up.

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  36. The upshot of this is that you should live in France. We keep our licences forever although for some mysterious reason mine was re-issued in 1997. Still, I looked a helluva lot better then than I do now. And we're allowed to smile! Though you'd need to with the way they drive here, especially in Paris.

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  37. Quote: " I look like a middle aged virgin schoolteacher who lost her fiance in the war, and has never recovered from the pain." End Quote



    Don't despair, Kerri...they're looking for someone to take over the role of "Miss Marples"...you're a shoe-in! ;)



    It is true. All license photo look like criminal mugshots.

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  38. It's not that bad *giggles*. Seriously, it's not that bad *chortles* *snorts*
    Well, it's not great, but mine is pretty sad looking also.

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  39. My husband is in the police force and his ID photo makes him look like a criminal. I think there need sto be more care and love in the taking of ID photos, along the lines of wedding photos. That might do the trick!

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  40. I have a friend who has burns all over her face, another with port wine stains across his face. One who has a hair lip and is always trying to hide his lips. You are obviously a very attractive woman, how dare you complain about your picture, a picture that most people on this planet would rightly consider to be a beautiful young woman. Surely you must have other things to write about, like how you have to walk five miles every day to get putrid drinking water for your family, or how your mother and father both died of AIDS before you turned five. Or how three of your children died before their first birthday. There is nothing wrong with the RTA's cameras. The fact that you have a car says you are blessed in this world, and I bet you drive a huge gas guzzling, and ridiculously expensive four wheel drive, don't you?

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  41. Hi Mick. Thanks for your comment. I also write about other issues, such as the tragic death of my sister at the age of 37, my battle with an anxiety disorder, my 4 miscarriages and so on. I don't write about my 2 serious medical conditions because it's no-one's business but mine. Sometimes, however, I choose to write light, funny posts on this blog to make people smile. Sorry if it offended you. Kerri

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Thanks! Love hearing from you.

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