November 2, 2012

The Picture That Said ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

Yesterday on Twitter the delightful Em Rusciano was bemoaning her recent mortification. She had gone out to the races in a black dress, having rushed out the door and not done a full mirror check. When she saw photos of the event, she realised with horror that her dress was completely see-through. And, as she wasn't wearing a bra (which would never happen to me, as I barely leave my bedroom without strapping the puppies in), the entire world could see her nipples.

Now, I've searched the internet for Em's nipples and I can't find them anywhere. Every picture I see has two perky little stars over the offending protrusions. But to be fair, flashing a couple of nipples is really not so bad. And I'd know.

I have flashed far more than that.

Let me set the scene for you. My mother used to teach art classes in her home studio to women, mainly aged in their fifties to seventies.

On this particular day, my mother was sharing photos of her newborn grandson - my first baby, and her first ever grandchild. It was a wonderful day. There was Little Man, tiny and sweet, all wrapped up in his baby blanket. There was Little Man in his Nana's arms, her beaming, him sleeping, all peaceful and full of joy. And there was Little Man with his Mummy shortly after the birth, her smiling like a radiant Madonna with her child in her arms.

The art class woman cooed and gooed over the pictures, passing them from one to the other, and marveling at the beauty of both mother and child.

The women left. My mother sighed over the photos again, looking with adoration at her grandson.

And then she saw it.

And her mouth fell open.

And she nearly fell over with shock.

Because in the Madonna photo, of me and my baby, was MY VAGINA. Oh yes. All of it. All of my vagina that had JUST PUSHED OUT A HUMAN BABY.

It was not pretty.

And she had showed it to her art class.
Sharon Stone flashed her vagina. The similarities end there.
IMPORTANT UPDATE:

After reading this post, my mother contacted me to (firmly) tell me that this is not what happened at all. The above story, she said, was a figment of my imagination. According to my mum, she only showed the picture to one person before realising what it revealed. She then immediately snipped off (ouch!) the offending corner of the photo, and continued to display it confidently to the world.

Still, art class or no art class, my post-natal vajayjay did make it into a pic.

And it was a bloody good story, besides.

30 comments:

  1. I guess you can be thankful your mum didn't have a Facebook page 12 years ago where she was proudly sharing the pictures online!

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  2. Wow. That out-does my "I vomited all over myself in front of Brendan Coyle" story.

    Much sympathy. And a giggle or two. (Sorry).

    Xxxx

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  3. Poor women! I guess those poor, fragile souls overcome by shock and the ensuing vapours from viewing a vagina, never made it past middle age! Poor dears! ;)

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  4. Too. Funny. Definitely one for your 21st! Oh, no wait...

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  5. Knocking it out of the park classy lady.

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  6. Lol yeah THAT..that's what I was thinking. It could have been worse..

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  7. "Never let the facts get in the way of a good story"~Mark Twain

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  8. Moments after I had my second son, the midwife took a happy snap. It was lovely Madonna moment - lovely chubby baby, proud dad, me with my boobs out for baby's first feed... THAT was the photo my military husband chose to send far and wide to his soldier mates announcing our son's arrival...he claims he didn't 'notice'...

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  9. You're famous now! Think how much that snip would be worth today!

    Incidentally, my wife gave me the snip after the birth of our most recent kids. Though it does not appear in a picture.

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  10. My partners daughter's first pic with her son had a nip slip. Her partner showed it around to all of his mates and his mum put in up on her wall. Mortified does not even begin to describe what she felt.

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  11. "Bloody" (from your last line) being the operative word...... HILARIOUS!

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  12. Lisa @ Bithe MomentsNovember 2, 2012 at 12:31 PM

    Oh your Mum, ruining a perfectly good story with the truth.

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  13. Love it!

    My Hubby used to show a picture to everyone of me and our daughter straight after her delivery that showed my nipple and I had no idea. But you win with the displaying your vagina!

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  14. So you can now claim to have modelled for a life art class. That's one thing off the bucket list!
    (PS I'm currently reading When My Husband Does the Dishes. I keep getting interrupted - not by the little one, but by my own snorts of laughter, vigorous nodding and 'YES SISTA! YES!' moments. Love it.)

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  15. LOL. Very different snips. And yes, should have kept it....... could have sold it on ebay....

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  16. Even if they'd all seen it- who better to glance over your 'Madonna with Child and Lady Garden', than an art class? I'm sure they'd see the art in the pose.

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  17. Oh my! I spoke of nipples on the radio this morning. Was a day for it!

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