I MADE SEXY WORDS!!!

Let me preface this post by stating that I am not good at languages*. I went to a Jewish day school and the only second language we were taught until high school was Hebrew, and I absolutely sucked at that. This was partly because I just don't have a good ear for languages (particularly guttural Middle Eastern languages that sound like an ongoing exercise in throat-clearing), and partly because the Hebrew teachers at the time were Maths teachers shipped out from Israel, who had no experience whatsoever in the teaching of language. In fact, they had very little grasp of English at all, which led to us treating them with the shocking adolescent contempt reserved for weak and insecure teachers. One teacher, in particular - who we called 'Auntie Edna' for reasons which escape me - earned our particular wrath.

"Do you know what 'shit' means, Auntie Edna?" one boy asked.

"I know only what it is I want to know," she answered haughtily, which I suspect wasn't true at all, but was a pretty good answer nonetheless.

Later, in high school, I studied French, because I loved listening to French people talk, and had visions of myself ordering croissants and cafe au lait in Paris. Sadly, I discovered very quickly that I sucked at French, too. And - unlike my forced study of Hebrew - I really, really wanted to learn French. I studied really hard. I read the books and listened to the tapes and practiced every day. Once I left school I studied French at uni, and once I left uni I studied French at the Alliance Francaise, just for fun. And now, after all that work, I can order croissants and cafe au lait. But I still can't book a hotel room in French or order a taxi or understand a word of SBS Friday night porn. I really am just a cultural Fail.

The top line says 'Kerri Sackville' in Italian

Which leads me to my one second language success. Because I have before me the Italian version of When My Husband Does the Dishes. Yes, I have actually written a book in Italian. And it is beautiful. It says things like 'Una delle grandi e tragiche ironie' and 'Come tutti sappiamo' and 'Una chiamata sul cellular potrebbe', and while I don't have a clue what they all mean, they sound absolutely magnificent and damn sexy besides.

I received a couple of copies of the book, which means I have one to giveaway. So if you speak Italian, or you know someone who speaks Italian who would like a copy of my fabulous and hilarious memoir, leave a comment below and I will choose the best and most deserving to win.

Ciao, mes amis. Or something like that....

*English excluded**
**hopefully