June 20, 2011

Now THIS Is A Kiddie Beauty Pageant

Kiddie beauty pageants are coming to Australia and we Aussies aren't pleased. We do not want our kids prematurely sexualised. We do not want them wearing makeup and beehive hairdos at the age of two (actually, we do not want them wearing beehive hairdos at all, because they look utterly ridiculous). We do not want them primping and preening and flirting with the judging panel when they should be making mud pies. And we certainly don't want them to wear those expensive sparkly dresses because they're just going to spill their Milo on them anyway.

However, I don't think we should dismiss kiddie beauty pageants altogether. I think there is a place for them in our country; they just need to be modified a little to better suit the Australian culture.

So I have come up with guidelines for the Australian Toddler's Beauty Pageant. All rules must be adhered to and the judge's decision is final. See terms and conditions* for more details.

Children are to be judged on appearance, performance and demeanor.

Appearance
  • All choices of clothing are to be made by the child themselves. Bonus points are awarded for creativity, colour and uniqueness of ensemble. A pink tutu worn with yellow gumboots and a bright green hoodie is excellent. Likewise a long sleeve, purple winter top worn under a white summer frock with pink leggings and Dora The Explorer novelty shoes. A designer dress worn with matching party shoes entails immediate disqualification.
  • Bonus points are awarded for vegemite smears on clothing and/or food remnants on face.
  • Extra bonus points are awarded for food remnants in hair.
  • Triple bonus points are awarded for stains of unknown origin anywhere on the competitor.
Performance

Children are to engage in a performance of their own creation. Sponteneity is preferable and props will be provided by event organisers. Suggestions are as follows:
  • Spinning around in circles until they fall over.
  • Spinning around in circles with a bin on their head until they fall over.
  • Lying on the floor kicking their legs.
  • Doing a toddler handstand (i.e. placing hands on the floor and looking at the world from between their legs).
  • Pulling up their top to show the judges their belly button.
  • Kicking down a Lego tower. (Bonus points if the Lego tower was built by another child).
  • Eating paste.
Demeanor

Children are judged on their demeanor, with points awarded for appropriateness and dramatic effect. For example:
  • Throwing a tantrum for absolutely no reason.
  • Running offstage to use the potty.
  • Actually using the potty onstage.
  • Running offstage in protest.
  • Embarrassing their parents ("Daddy does smelly poos!").
  • Embarrassing the judges ("Why does that lady have a beard?").
  • Standing there looking dazed and doing absolutely nothing at all.
If you are interested in enrolling your child, contact me via this blog. But I really wouldn't bother if I was you. My three year old is going to win for SURE.

*There are no terms or conditions.

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