Now, Mark is a prominent Fairfax journalist, and the author of several excellent books. And yet the man clearly has not the slightest clue about how to write a blog - at least not one that will not induce the gag reflex in all but the strongest stomach-ed* of readers.
I had met with Mark the previous week to discuss his blog. I gave him several tips on how he could attract a wider blog readership, and 'include a picture of a man in his undies with a catheter strapped to his leg' was definitely not amongst them. However, clearly I had not been specific enough, because - as Mark pointed out to me in a subsequent email - I did not tell him not to post a picture of a man in his undies with a catheter strapped to his leg. So to Mark and his readers, I apologise. I have failed.
Still, I am nothing if not conscientious**, and I am determined to rectify the situation. So here is a comprehensive list of things for Mark to Not Blog About. Feel free to add your own points to the list, and of course you are all encouraged to Not Blog About these subjects yourself.
Mark, Do Not Blog About:
- Men in undies with catheters strapped to their legs.
- Your bowel habits. They may be utterly fascinating to you - I have noticed that many men are utterly fascinated by all of their bodily functions - but they truly are of no interest to the general population (except, of course, for colorectal specialists, but such a small percentage of your blog readers are likely to be colorectal specialists that this is entirely inconsequential).
- Anything at all to do with breakfast cereal. Despite the best efforts of advertisers to convince us otherwise, breakfast cereal is intrinsically boring.
- Your scrotum, or indeed any man's scrotum. Scrotums are silly and we don't want to read about them.
- Bits of your body that have fallen off. That is just disgusting.
- Things you have found between your teeth. That is also disgusting, and there are probably many more of them than bits of your body that have fallen off.
- Things you have found in your navel. See above.
- Delightful anecdotes about your kids. I mean, I'm sure they are very delightful, and there are many anecdotes about them, but we only want to hear about what they do wrong, so that we can feel better about how useless our own children are.
- Delightful anecdotes about your partner. See above.
- Anything at all to do with the Kardashians. Oh you'll get hits on your blog all right. But I will unfollow you like THAT.
**actually, I am many things if not conscientious, but this is not the forum to discuss exactly what things