June 20, 2011

Now THIS Is A Kiddie Beauty Pageant

Kiddie beauty pageants are coming to Australia and we Aussies aren't pleased. We do not want our kids prematurely sexualised. We do not want them wearing makeup and beehive hairdos at the age of two (actually, we do not want them wearing beehive hairdos at all, because they look utterly ridiculous). We do not want them primping and preening and flirting with the judging panel when they should be making mud pies. And we certainly don't want them to wear those expensive sparkly dresses because they're just going to spill their Milo on them anyway.

However, I don't think we should dismiss kiddie beauty pageants altogether. I think there is a place for them in our country; they just need to be modified a little to better suit the Australian culture.

So I have come up with guidelines for the Australian Toddler's Beauty Pageant. All rules must be adhered to and the judge's decision is final. See terms and conditions* for more details.

Children are to be judged on appearance, performance and demeanor.

  • All choices of clothing are to be made by the child themselves. Bonus points are awarded for creativity, colour and uniqueness of ensemble. A pink tutu worn with yellow gumboots and a bright green hoodie is excellent. Likewise a long sleeve, purple winter top worn under a white summer frock with pink leggings and Dora The Explorer novelty shoes. A designer dress worn with matching party shoes entails immediate disqualification.
  • Bonus points are awarded for vegemite smears on clothing and/or food remnants on face.
  • Extra bonus points are awarded for food remnants in hair.
  • Triple bonus points are awarded for stains of unknown origin anywhere on the competitor.

Children are to engage in a performance of their own creation. Sponteneity is preferable and props will be provided by event organisers. Suggestions are as follows:
  • Spinning around in circles until they fall over.
  • Spinning around in circles with a bin on their head until they fall over.
  • Lying on the floor kicking their legs.
  • Doing a toddler handstand (i.e. placing hands on the floor and looking at the world from between their legs).
  • Pulling up their top to show the judges their belly button.
  • Kicking down a Lego tower. (Bonus points if the Lego tower was built by another child).
  • Eating paste.

Children are judged on their demeanor, with points awarded for appropriateness and dramatic effect. For example:
  • Throwing a tantrum for absolutely no reason.
  • Running offstage to use the potty.
  • Actually using the potty onstage.
  • Running offstage in protest.
  • Embarrassing their parents ("Daddy does smelly poos!").
  • Embarrassing the judges ("Why does that lady have a beard?").
  • Standing there looking dazed and doing absolutely nothing at all.
If you are interested in enrolling your child, contact me via this blog. But I really wouldn't bother if I was you. My three year old is going to win for SURE.

*There are no terms or conditions.


  1. Love, Love, Love!
    I would go to see that and I volunteer to do the fashion write up.
    "Like Marilyn Monroe's mole, we can see here that Mum's best lipstick has been used to add polka dots to the once white sock on her left leg, and some lovely drawings of what appears to be the number 8... no definately a cat, that's a tail not a squiggle, on her forehead.  Fabulous creativity and makeupartistry."

  2. Going to share it on Australian's Against Child Beauty pages page on FB. 

  3. Where do I sign up???

  4. Lovely giggle on a Monday morning.

  5. Based on the above, my brother, who is now almost 30, would wipe the floor with everyone. His performance would also include nudity.

    Actually, if he did a pageant today it would probably involve nudity . . .

  6. I might have known any contest you were running , would be fixed. Tut, tut Kerri, where's your sense of competition ?.....

  7. DAMN! Forgot to include in rules 'Quadruple bonus points for vommie on stage'.

  8. SENSATIONAL blog post - that is brilliant! There needs to be a "like times 5000" button! Cheers, Lee :)

  9. Hey, what about the what do you want to be when you grow up, section?
    1. A seagull
    2. Miley Cyrus
    3. A supermarket till-er.

  10. Oh YES!!! The question section! How could I forget????

  11. OMG my kids would rock this!

    How many points for four year old girls who love saying "you're a poo, you're a poo, poo, poo, poo" until the girls in the tutu's cry?

    Or a two year old girls who runs around saying "I'm a poo, poo, poo" in absolute delight?

    Finally a beauty pageant they could enjoy! And it would be so much more fun to watch - but maybe with earplugs in LOL.

  12. Love it - my littlie would win for sure! (Sorry, that's the competitive stage mother coming out... ;))

  13. Non-stop talking, with pauses for farts *rolls eyes* "Pardon Meeeeeeee". Singing the alphabet song incorrectly (HOKK, NNNOP), going from cute Popsy to angry eyed mini-SheDevil in 5 seconds...just SOME of our talents. Win, win, win. Eat our dust.

  14. Where do we sign up?? I got 2 kids that tick all those boxes!

    My youngest is a pro at embarrassing us with comments such as 'Mummy's DO fart!' very loudly while we are lined up at the checkout.  (I tell him ladies don't fart. LOL)
    And I reckon he'd do one better than using the potty on stage, he'd be happy to wee on the judges table! (He's most fascinated at the moment with weeing while standing up, it's his latest trick.) Would that earn bonus points??
    Sooo love this comp, much much better than the 'beauty pageants'.

  15. Oh she'd be a good competition for my son, he likes to do 'wiggle bum' and then bolt.

  16. And an instant win for vommie on a judge?? 

  17. This is fabulous!! I only wish Cam was still a toddler. She would have won the 'performance' section for sure the day she disappeared into the bathroom when she was 3 and I had old friends and colleagues over for lunch, then came back holding a big handful of her own stinky excrement, presented it to them and said "This is my poo. Would you like some?"

    True story.

  18. This is funny and at the same time serves to really hit home what it is that makes childhood so special - let's help preserve our kids' innocence!

  19. Bloody brilliant.  Well said.

  20. AmotherwithstandardsJune 21, 2011 at 10:41 AM

    I would not allow my child to walk out the front door looking like some unkept hobo op shop child with mis matched clothes and shoes. People judge you how u dress and raise your child, so when people look at my child I am proud. I am no embarrassed she looks like a  cute little doll she is meant to look like. As for leaving food on the child so the children can resemble a dirty animal and be judged on that, glad its your child and not mine. 

  21. I think there is a BIG difference between a child looking presentable and looking like the pageant children look. The way these children are presented, if an adult dressed up the same way she would surely be called a 'slut' or something of equal nastiness. Even the Miss Universe pageant contestants wear more clothing than some of these children! I see no problem in children looking nice and wearing dresses, but at the same time I feel they should have the opportunity to act like a child and not have to worry about their appearance 24/7. I'm sure by the time they reach the teenage years, their appearance will consume their lives so why not let them have a few years beforehand where they can leave the house without worrying about whether their hair is looking 'perfect'? As for the 'glad this is your child not mine' comment, apart from it being completely uncalled for, at least these children won't grow up feeling like they need pretty clothes and make-up to be beautiful. I'd rather a child that makes mud pies any day.

  22. I think you might be missing an irony gene.
    PS It has nothing to do with irons.

  23. I think people will judge my children as to whether or not they grow up to be good, passionate, compassionate people with ethics and integrity. That is far more important to me than if they choose3 to wear their fairy dresses with their gumboots on to the supermarket6 after having painted their faces with Texta!

    I think teaching little girls (and boys) that girls are to be judged on how sexually available they look before they even reach puberty is to do both our sons and our daughters a huge disservice and to set our daughters up for a lifetime of being judged on their looks!

  24. Laughed and laughed. This sounds to me like the real world of kids.

  25. Actually I don't think children are supposed to look like 'cute little dolls'. I think they're supposed to look like 'children'. But thank you for your comment.

  26. Kerri, shat a fab post. Laughed until I pee'd (seems to happen now I'm a mum!) Love your humour girl. And Twichy - too funny! Lighten up 'Amotherwithstandards', share the gift of laughter & humour with your children. That's waaay more important than whether other people think you can do laundry.

  27. *People* are judging my unkempt hobo op shop child?  Or just you?  But thanks, I'll be calling my children that from now on!  It's got a certain ring to it....

  28. *What (not shat!) haha sneaky little iPhone autocorrect

  29. Absolutely fantastic idea ~ all for it :)

  30. Hi, and let me tell you that I had fun reading your post. I agree with all the rules you are suggesting. I'm sure kiddies are going to have fun and look like what they are THAT IS REAL KIDS and no female bonzais

  31. Fantastic, I love it!!

  32. Love your work, children being children and everyone's a born winner!

  33. My 2 year old would win for sure as long as there is a time out corner to send him to where he can head butt the floor in protest followed by his prefect imitation of mums cranky stare directed at his potty that is only a metre away while weeing in his pants.

  34. Ah yes! The 'wee next to, but not IN, potty' section!

  35. My type of child's pageant!!! Love it.

  36.  Thanks Kerri, for such a funny read.
     If yelling at Mum and stamping the foot is a talent, my 4yo (of the mismatched clothes and unkempt hair) would be a winner!!
    Great work, and keep on plumping for kids being kids

  37. My kids would win for fastest strip tease - I don't know any other kids who can de-robe as quickly as my two nudists!

  38. AgirlwithhigherstandardsJuly 4, 2011 at 3:19 PM

    So...you don't want your children to make you look bad by looking unkempt, but you're apparently okay with looking like you have a poor command of the English language.

    You may wish to reevaluate your priorities.

  39. LOL-ing.  Touche.  (I couldn't do one of those french-thingies on top of my "e" sorry!) 

  40. I wonder if all the mothers replying down here are as critical of the gymnastics competitions with less clothing than most beauty pageants, prevent their daughters from participating in dance competitions which require more grossly sexual movements than the highly stylised pageant moves without the added bonus of the child developing confidence through individual participation?

    I am sick of going to shopping centres and seeing young girls (as  young as 3 and 4) primped, made-up, sequinned and feathered, and then see them get out and do some moves that are better seen performed by pornstars at Sexpo. And that's just the ballet. The jazz, fitness and dance, and various other kinds are even worse. 

    Yet somehow this is acceptable?


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