June 13, 2011

How PMS Saves The World

The human body is remarkably complex, and the human psyche even more so. And most aspects of our bodily workings play a profound evolutionary role in the survival and propagation of the species.

When we are attacked or threatened, we experience the Fight Or Flight response. This releases adrenalin and allows us to move and act quickly.

When we fall in love, our brains release serotonin, or Happy Hormone, which encourages us to make a lifetime commitment to someone who will clear their throat loudly in the middle of the night and leave their boxer shorts on the floor.

When we ovulate, we feel a surge of sexual desire, which encourages us to have sex with the throat-clearer, and create a mini throat-clearer who will continue on our genetic line and leave their own underwear on the floor.

But what, I ask, oh what is the point of PMS????

I have had a shocking bout of PMS these past few days and have been racking my brains to determine its evolutionary purpose. A hankering to kill, pimples and sore boobs, a propensity to weep for no reason, and a massive appetite satisfied only by hot chips and ice cream... how, pray tell me, does this help the human species?

Well, I have come up with some theories, and have listed them below, in no apparent order.

Why PMS Is Necessary:
  1. PMS is nature's way of redressing the gender imbalance in niceness. Women are, naturally, much more kind and selfless than men, which can result in us being taken advantage of by the opposite sex. PMS makes us temporarily shrew, cross and generally revolting, allowing us to snatch back some of the ground we have lost the previous month by being caring and considerate.
  2. Monthly pimples allow us to keep the cosmetics industry afloat; after all, if it was only teenagers getting pimples, the market would be limited, and many pimple control products would become redundant. The adult hormonal pimple market is a multi-million dollar business, which creates jobs for other hormonal women like ourselves.
  3. Kids benefit from their mothers' monthly mood swings. They see their caregiver snarling and growling and learn to Staying Away From The Crazy Lady for a few days. This teaches resilience and fosters independence, thus preparing them for adulthood.
  4. Sore breasts are nature's way of reminding us that we have breasts, and to check them for lumps and bumps when our period is finished.
  5. Being tearful is unpleasant at the time, but marvelously cleansing for the soul. Having an excuse to lose it every four weeks and sob heartily for no reason at all is as detoxing as one of those freaky herbal enemas, but without the inconvenience of having something placed in your bottom.
  6. Eating junk food for several days results in a feeling of guilt, which results in a resolution to eat healthily after our period has arrived and the cravings are over. Though the resolution is not always carried out, the guilt feelings persist, which can only be helpful in spurring us on to action.
  7. Being a total bitch to our partners for a few days a week serves as a test to separate the men from the boys. If our male partner runs at the first sign of irrational anger or baseless tears, then clearly they're not going to stick around for the hard times. If they take it all in their stride, providing support and slabs of Cadbury Dairy Milk, then they are worthy of all the wonders that Woman can bring.
Feel free to add your own reasons to the list. But don't criticise mine. I still have PMS and I'm either going to kill you or cry.


  1. Detachable PrincessJune 13, 2011 at 2:07 PM

    Why do we get PMS? WHY DO WE GET PMS???!!! I don't need a REASON, dammit, that's just the way it is! And if you can't deal with that, then you can fuck off! ;)

  2. I just completed a week of irrational tears, of scowling at unfriendly school dads rather than playing nice, of writing nasty letters to the husband detailing my many hardships... Actually, the letter was great, that dad totally deserved my contempt, and Mr4 may need future therapy ("Mummy, please don't cry at the cafe" "Mummy, are you crying again?").

  3. I believe it's an evolutionary tool also.
    P. Bloody. M. Frickin. S
    In the days leading up to our period, we women are at our least fertile, right? That egg is getting on in days and wouldn't be the best goog to fertilise and live with for the next few decades.
    So, enter le PMS - in all it's man repelling glory.
     That'll keep his cavemen paws far from her cavechickky drawers until her host body is prepped and ripe for procreation again.
    Pure genius.
    I HATE pure genius.
    Mum on the Run :-)

  4. Gorgeous!  I KNEW there would be an excellent set of reasons for it. 

    I think it might ALSO have something to do with ensuring that the sufferer refuses to let the throat-clearer touch their breasts for at least a few days, with the double advantage of allowing a decent sleep for both, and ensuring the throat-clearee maintains the sexual mystique of the 'not quite on tap' variety.

  5. I like your list but I cannot concur. There is no good reason for PMS. x

  6. P. M. S = Putting up with Men's Shit. Say no more. :)

  7. My freaking PMS is so bad that I can't think of a freaking comment that makes any sense at all.  I am now annoyed because i have nothing to write. I am going to find someone to stab. 

  8. A male friend once told me that he could never trust someone who bled for 5 days and lived to take revenge on those who didn't have to go through this monthly psychotic episode.
    I told him I hoped he cut himself shaving. Bastard.

  9. I have to admit (don't stab me!) that I have never actually experienced PMS. Reading this blog and all the comments confirms my long held suspicion that I am, in fact, a man. Damn.

  10. Brilliant. And I hate pure genius too.

  11. Me too!!!! 'Mummy are you STILL crying???'

  12. You are a man. But that's okay. I like men too. Except when I have PMS.

  13. Yes! A man once told me 'How can you trust someone who bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die?'

  14. Don't rationalise my PMS.  I have it because I have it and he can just suck it the hell uP!  Oops. Projecting here, maybe?

    I didn't really start getting the steriotypical PMS until after I had my second and got my tubes tied.  Now, if anyone (including my shirt) comes near my breasts, the world.will.end. 

    No jury in the land would convict me.  It's an automatic temporary insanity plea, so just try your luck, asswipe.  Oops. Doing it again....

    Sorry, Kerri...possibly not where you wanted this to go? ;D

  15. Plus, before I got PMS I could spell stereotypical. Goddammit.

  16. As a serene male who NEVER gets stroppy, I don't know what all the fuss is about....... :-D

  17. I would never have discovered the bliss of shoving a clump of McDonalds French fries into a McDonalds Caramel Sundae and then devouring,  if it wasn't for PMS. I am grateful and so is my local Maccas....

  18. me too. I never understood pms because I never had it until after I had two babies. now I can relate to this post. and it fucks me off. I blame my children of course. or my husband, all of them. and the cat. fucking cat.

  19. Charlotte CrawleyJune 16, 2011 at 1:00 PM

    Wow a positive spin I would have never come up with.  Thanks.

  20. Actually, I think point 1 is kinda right! All the hormones that make us such nice, happy people most of the time suddenly take a nose dive right when PMS kicks in.

    Kerri, you nailed it!


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