When we are attacked or threatened, we experience the Fight Or Flight response. This releases adrenalin and allows us to move and act quickly.
When we fall in love, our brains release serotonin, or Happy Hormone, which encourages us to make a lifetime commitment to someone who will clear their throat loudly in the middle of the night and leave their boxer shorts on the floor.
When we ovulate, we feel a surge of sexual desire, which encourages us to have sex with the throat-clearer, and create a mini throat-clearer who will continue on our genetic line and leave their own underwear on the floor.
But what, I ask, oh what is the point of PMS????
I have had a shocking bout of PMS these past few days and have been racking my brains to determine its evolutionary purpose. A hankering to kill, pimples and sore boobs, a propensity to weep for no reason, and a massive appetite satisfied only by hot chips and ice cream... how, pray tell me, does this help the human species?
Well, I have come up with some theories, and have listed them below, in no apparent order.
Why PMS Is Necessary:
- PMS is nature's way of redressing the gender imbalance in niceness. Women are, naturally, much more kind and selfless than men, which can result in us being taken advantage of by the opposite sex. PMS makes us temporarily shrew, cross and generally revolting, allowing us to snatch back some of the ground we have lost the previous month by being caring and considerate.
- Monthly pimples allow us to keep the cosmetics industry afloat; after all, if it was only teenagers getting pimples, the market would be limited, and many pimple control products would become redundant. The adult hormonal pimple market is a multi-million dollar business, which creates jobs for other hormonal women like ourselves.
- Kids benefit from their mothers' monthly mood swings. They see their caregiver snarling and growling and learn to Staying Away From The Crazy Lady for a few days. This teaches resilience and fosters independence, thus preparing them for adulthood.
- Sore breasts are nature's way of reminding us that we have breasts, and to check them for lumps and bumps when our period is finished.
- Being tearful is unpleasant at the time, but marvelously cleansing for the soul. Having an excuse to lose it every four weeks and sob heartily for no reason at all is as detoxing as one of those freaky herbal enemas, but without the inconvenience of having something placed in your bottom.
- Eating junk food for several days results in a feeling of guilt, which results in a resolution to eat healthily after our period has arrived and the cravings are over. Though the resolution is not always carried out, the guilt feelings persist, which can only be helpful in spurring us on to action.
- Being a total bitch to our partners for a few days a week serves as a test to separate the men from the boys. If our male partner runs at the first sign of irrational anger or baseless tears, then clearly they're not going to stick around for the hard times. If they take it all in their stride, providing support and slabs of Cadbury Dairy Milk, then they are worthy of all the wonders that Woman can bring.