Of course, none of these things have happened (though I was once recognised in Westfield by a friend of my mum).
However, one thing has happened that has been utterly unexpected. I have received emails requesting my parenting advice.
Now, these emails make me very despodant. Anyone who is requesting my parenting advice has clearly not read my book, as anyone who has read my book will realise that I have no parenting advice to offer whatsoever. However, I still feel compelled to answer the emails as I am a very nice person (and am hoping that at least my correspondants will recommend my book to others).
Still, I am a very busy* girl and do not have time to be answering thousands* of emails a month. So I have put together a list of commonly asked questions and my expert advice. Using 'expert' in the sense of 'who the hell am I to be giving advice anyway?'
How should I discipline my three year old?
Discipline never worked well for my older kids, so with three year old Boo, I have taken another tack. Instead of punishing her when she draws on the white couch with texta, I say 'stop doing that and I'll give you a Smartie'. Of course, some may argue that this just encourages her to engage in bad behaviour so she can be rewarded to stop, but at least it gives me an excuse to have Smarties in the house.
How can I get my kids to go to sleep?
Send them to their grandma's. My kids always sleep beautifully there.
How can I get my kids to eat broccoli?
What kind of sicko parent would force their kids to eat broccoli?
My two year old keeps having tantrums in the supermarket. What can I do?
Young children have a natural allergy to supermarkets. Even the sight of a trolley creates an extreme bodily agitation which can only be soothed by feeding the child continually until the shopping is finished, or he or she vomits - whichever comes first. Always carry a change of clothes and some wipes with you. Or consider online shopping.
My 12 year old is surly and gives me no affection.
Refuse to give him access to any technology (TV, Nintendo etc) until he says 'I love you, my beautiful Mummy'). Works for me.
Do you have any questions for me? Or any advice to give?
*meaning 'lazy'
*meaning 'three'
Is there any chance you could adopt me? My mum makes me each broccoli and I'd rather lick my foot.
ReplyDeleteMy children always behave and sleep well everywhere else but here. LOL
ReplyDeleteLoved your book! I think you're advice is great! I may even have been known to use a "Well I read a book and the author agrees with me!" You know just every now and then for street cred! LOL
Your answer to "How can I get my kids to go to sleep?" was my favourite - it's exactly what I do! lol
ReplyDeleteHilarious! I think with Ms Winfrey's untimely retirement there could be a daytime TV slot with your name on it...
ReplyDeleteLOL. My kinda advice!!!
ReplyDelete:-)
BB
Fantastic advice. I can see a new book on the way
ReplyDeleteYes, but you will have to go to your Nana's to sleep.
ReplyDeleteKerri, you are an absolute hoot! You always make me laugh, especially when I need to escape from my three little terrors.
ReplyDeleteUh-huh. *nods sagely* You are one wise woman, Kerri Sackville.
ReplyDeleteCanIhaveaSmartie?CanIhaveaSmartie?CanIhaveaSmartie?CanIhaveaSmartie?CanIhaveaSmartie?CanIhaveaSmartie?
ReplyDeleteHow many times should you ask your kids to put their school shoes on before you start crying?
ReplyDeletehere's a question: what the heck is that photo? oh and here's a great title for your next book: When my kids draw on the couch … they want Smarties. it has bestseller scribbled all over it! xt
ReplyDelete2 Year old tantrums in supermarket - leave the kid in the car. Don't forget to crack the windows open a little. Maybe leave a bowl of water.
ReplyDeleteAlso works very well for trips to casino.
ReplyDeleteI found it on my computer. I genuinely have no idea how it got there.
ReplyDeleteNone. Let them go barefoot and suffer the consequences: Shame, Detention, Mocking from other students, and of course Wet Feet. They will not do it again.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteHow do you ensure that you actually remember to turn up at your child's school for special events in which they usually speak on stage for 3.6 seconds but will cry for 3.6 months if you don't make an appearance?
ReplyDeleteI luff you!
ReplyDeleteCanIhaveaSmartie?CanIhaveaSmartie?CanIhaveaSmartie?
I think you're selling yourself short, it's excellent advice. Although I'd add something to the 12 yr old question. "You think it's bad now? Wait 'til they're 15!"
ReplyDeleteThis is difficult. Best solution is probably to tell your child's father to put it in his diary, so that when you both forget, it is all HIS fault.
ReplyDeleteAs a wise woman with kind of grown up children (grown up in the sense that they wear bigger clothes than me & can drive cars) I feel
ReplyDeleteI feel lots of things - including old. But that wasn't what I wanted to say. I feel like I missed out on acquiring the sage parenting advice you could have offered me when my children were young. Sigh.
ReplyDelete..... Bottle Shop goes without saying
ReplyDeleteHow bad, on a scale of one to ten, are you as aparent when you get told that "you always say you will do it tomorrow and then it never happens". This can relate to crimping hair or painting their nails. Or buying them new school shoes.
ReplyDeleteKerri, how can I make sure that my teenagers wear their suncream before they leave the house and possibly get melanoma while playing soccer (when I am usually in the shower when they leave)?
ReplyDeleteBern you have got this one all wrong. Your mistake is to promise nice things to them in the first place. Keep expectations low, is what I always say. Actually, keep expectations non-existent. Then they can never be disappointed.
ReplyDeleteBuy them some very cool aftershave (something by P Diddy is good) and mix in some suncream. Young men enjoy applying aftershave liberally to their entire bodies and are sure to be well protected from the elements.
ReplyDeleteHi Kerri,
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to ask you any parenting questions, just pass on some well deserved praise. My life is a million miles from yours but after a bout of yuckiness personally I found myself at the airport pleading with the book store man for any funny book could find.
He gave me 'The Happiest Refugee - and your book. Both made me laugh out loud - at a time when I really needed it.
So, no questions, just thanks. And I hope you do make thousands, get a TV show and all that good stuff!
:-)
Thank you SO much for the gorgeous feedback!!! I hope your yuckiness passes very quickly and that all things good return to your life. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteMy kids eat broccoli...and they love it, damn it! *one eye twitches furiously*
ReplyDeleteCan I just add, that when your 14 year old daughter refuses to take note of your gentle hints, or holding her down and applying a flannel to 27 layers of make up (including 3 years of accumulated mascara) barely scrapes the surface, I have found it useful to pretend to give in. Take her to a make up counter in a swanky department store. As they are cleansing her down and making her up for free, they will find all sorts of imaginative and kindly ways to tell her to stop painting herself like a prostitute and you will leave with a fresh faced, beautiful and beaming young lady. I had completely forgotten that mine had fair skin as I had grown quite used to seeing her orange as far as her chin.
ReplyDeleteOh that's so funny. It reminds me of a slightly younger friend of mine, who was bright orange for about a decade in her teens to twenties. Thank god she is now milky pale and beautiful again.
ReplyDeleteMy girls are 3 and 10. I have SO much to look forward to....
Thanks mum. Only problem is I don't have any grandparents so I would have to borrow them too.
ReplyDeleteHow can I get my three year old to stop whining? At this point stabbing my own ear is looking like a fool proof solution.
ReplyDeleteDear Zoey,
ReplyDeleteSilly girl!!! You do not need to stab your own ear!!! Industrial strength earplugs worn at all times when in the vicinity of your child will do just fine.
Love, Kerri