July 4, 2010

A Star Is Born

Usually in my blog posts I try to demonstrate how I am EveryWoman, just like you*. Not so in this post. Because in this post, I demonstrate how I have recently become a Star, elevated above the EveryWoman exponentially, kind of like Nicole Kidman, or Scarlet Johansson, or Katie Holmes (except that she’s... you know... a Scientologist).

ANYWAY, regular readers of this blog may know that I penned a little parody. Well, the other night I went to the home of a lovely young man named Adam (who is EveryMan, except that he is not really like any other man at all), and actually recorded the parody to music. You know. Made a real song. Just like a Star.

The experience was quite surreal. I arrived carrying a large bottle of champagne, partly as a thank you to Adam, but mostly as a means of enabling me to sing in front of a semi-stranger. Given that my children, my husband, my best friend, and the (cruel, cruel) Year 5 teacher who denied me access to the school choir all agree that my singing voice is abysmal, I needed some liquid assistance to get me through.

Surprisingly, though, once the music started, I was off and running. Not literally – I was actually sitting at Adam’s desk in front of his computer, where he was frantically adjusting his ‘AutoTune’ programme to make my voice sound less, well, terrible – but figuratively. So enthusiastic was I that I practically shouted my lines, barely noticing Adam wincing out of the corner of my eye (though when I did, I just thought he’d squirted himself with champagne).

It wasn’t till we listened to the first take that I realised I was out of tune. Not slightly out of tune, not in an ‘AutoTune-can-fix-that’ way, but rather in a ‘not-even-remotely-in-the-ballpark’ way. Like, I was singing a completely different tune to the one required. A tune never before heard. A tune not of this world. A tune that quite possibly could destroy civilisation.

I took another swig of champagne. Adam, who looked somewhat pained, took another seven or eight. And we tried again. And again. And again. After the fourth or seventeenth take, we were both rather drunk, I was singing in a maniacal staccato, and Adam had joined in with a bizarre falsetto worthy of any of the Bee Gee brothers. Through my champagne haze, I was awed.

Adam mixed in some sound effects, which made me sound quite professional, and others, which made me sound like a robot sucking helium. He added sound bites of my children yelling, which made me reflexively flinch and swig more champagne. And he added echo, which made me sound like I had twenty backup singers, which was brilliant, as that was never going to happen in real life.

So now we have our soundtrack. And yesterday we filmed the videoclip. Watch this space. It’s going to be BIG.

And by the way, Year 5 school teacher? The one who wouldn’t let me in the choir? Big mistake. HUGE.

*unless you're a man, in which case I'm nothing like you, but probably a lot like someone you know**
**unless you actually do know me, in which case I'm exactly like someone you know.


  1. Haha, good for you. Can't wait to hear it! That Grade 5 teacher is going to be sorry ...

  2. Ha. I wondered what you two had been getting up to when I saw your chat floating by on Twitter. Now it is REVEALED.
    Wow. I can't believe you actually did this. Your life is twenty seven shades of exciting huh?
    (Cook some meatballs. Cook some meatballs. :D)
    Top stuff.

  3. Wow! You have been busy haven't you. I look forward to the unveiling Kerri! xxxx

  4. Singer, director, writer. Bloody hell, you are one awesome woman. I knew that already though xxx

  5. Waiting for the great reveal with unbridled anticipation. :-)

    Maybe you should post a demo disc to that Year 5 choir teacher so that she knows exactly what she was missing by cruelly excluding you from the choir.

  6. Please don't forget us when you're famous...

  7. AAAAARGH!!! I am going on holidays tomorrow for two weeks!! Will you post before I leave? otherwise I'm cancelling. Bugger the Kimberely, Eco beach resort, the Bungle Bungles and the vast, haunting panorama that is Australia's top end... hearing you sing is far more important.

  8. That's cool Kerri! Can't wait to see and hear it :)

  9. Oh baby, this is gonna be BIG! Though am unsure how I'll contain myself until you let hear...guess I'll have to distract myself with raising my boys (aka ensure they don't puncture the blow up bed they're sleeping on currently whilst playing their new favourite "the fighting game"). Don't ask...just post the song so that I have something to live for ;)

  10. YAY YAY YAY can't wait to see the clip. How I love a boozed-up sing. Gosh - movie maker and now performer with a film clip! Hope you remember us mere mortals on your meteoric rise to fame and fabulousness - and not just to spit on us! Last time I had a booze-aided sing was at a famous karaoke bar in Melbourne at about midnight - I chose to sing Madonna's "Ray of Light" YES you read that correctly...you thought YOU were singing in a high pitched maniacal voice...all I can say is they had to call the dog catchers to collect all the dogs that started mysteriously baying at the door to the club!

  11. I can't tell you...I'm so bloody excited, I'm almost peeing my pants!

    Can't wait to see it, hon! I have a feeling it's gonna go viral. Oh, yeah!

  12. You did this so you have something to brag about when you go to your school reunion, didn't you???

    (Waiting with anticipation...)

    N x

  13. So that's how it works! I reckon if we ever get an OzBlog conference off the ground, it will need to involve karaoke. And lots and lots of champagne.

  14. Oh wow! That's just too exciting for words!! :)


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