June 2, 2010

Three Naked Ladies And A Whole Lot Of Clitoris

So I'm sitting on a reclining chair, completely naked under a brief robe, in the company of three perfect strangers, watching a sex therapist discuss the clitoral orgasms of a very plain woman in glasses. I'm hungry, I'm nervous, and, whilst two of the perfect strangers are other naked-but-for-robes women, the third is a fully dressed man, which makes the whole thing just that little bit more awkward. And did I mention I am hungry?

"Clitoris!" says the sex therapist, for the fifteenth time.

"Vibrator!" says Plain Woman, along with some details about how she used it. "Clitoral orgasm! Amazing! First time ever! Clitoris!"

"Clitoris!" responded the therapist, approvingly. "Vaginal? Vibrator! Sex sex sex!!!"

The two Naked Ladies and I cringe under our gowns. The Fully Dressed Man tries to sink into a wall. I don't know where to look, so I fixate on the screen. Plain Woman's husband is now getting in on the action.

"Penis," he informs them, importantly. "Penis penis clitoris. Vibrator! Sex!!!"

I contemplate getting up and leaving, robe and all. It is excruciating. And cold. And, as I may have mentioned, I am STARVING.

Finally, FINALLY, there is a mirage in white.

"Do you want me to turn this off?" she asks. "Seems the Oprah show is getting a bit raunchy today!"

I've never been so happy to see a nurse in all my life.

"YES PLEASE!" we gowned patients chorus, as one. "Thank you!"

"That's okay," she said. "Probably not what you want to be watching when you're about to go in for gynae surgery."

"Not so much," I tell her. I settle down to watch the Midday movie. It is about a traumatised young girl seeking an abortion. Quite a relief, really.

Eventually, my name is called and I'm hoisted onto a trolley and wheeled into the anaesthetic room. I'm nervous, because I don't like having operations, even if they are very minor (which this one, happily, is). So nervous, in fact, that I am shaking.

"Hello Kerri. I am giving you a pre-med now," says the anaesthetist. He seems reassuringly capable, but not what one might call 'verbose'.

"Okay," I say, barely able to speak from anxiety. I try to swallow, but my throat is too dry.

Suddenly, a lovely warmth fills my body. And, as they push me into the operating theatre, I remember a hilarious story.

"I've been watching the funniest thing!" I tell the assembled doctors and scrub nurses merrily. "So funny! There was a clitoris and penis and vibrator! Clitoris clitoris! Was so funny because I was naked! And so were the other two women! But the man was dressed! He had a penis!"

A mask is placed over my face. I feel myself fading away.

"Penis!" I mumble happily, as I fall into sleep. "And the vibrator makes the orgasm go brrmmmm! Clitoris.... Orgasm.... So very funny...."

And I am out cold.
I don't remember anything more about that afternoon. I do recall waking up a couple of hours later in recovery, feeling sore and sorry for myself, with a strange realisation that my hysterical tale didn't seem to be so funny anymore.
Thankfully, however, when my delightful doctor came to visit, he didn't mention my pre-surgical dissertation, nor did the nursing staff who had wheeled me into the operating room. Perhaps they were being polite. Perhaps they were so used to trippy patients spouting nonsense that they don't even pay attention anymore.
But personally? I think we'd probably just all had enough of clitorises for one long day.

37 comments:

  1. I came out of a c-section anaesthetic (I like full drama so had full anaesthetic in emergency conditions) muttering about circuses and merry-go-rounds... not so different, I guess.

    What I would like to know is whether you were spouting the benefits of the bebe? Seems like it would have been on-subject.

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  2. Ahhh, Kerri, you make me laugh!

    After my first minor gynae op last year (first of three!) I regained consciousness just as Chris on Masterchef served up half a pigs head. Apparently this was incredible cooking and not anaesthesia delusions........

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  3. PMSL...but I think you should be happy you can recall some of what you said.

    Personally, I'm most disturbed by the fact that I have no idea what sort of malarky was slipping out of my mouth when I last went under. And since I'm pretty well aware of my own loquaciousness, I've no doubt there were some interesting tidbits popping out inappropriately. *shudders, remembers Nimyeoo fondly*

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  4. Oh I knew we could work a BeBe in there somewhere - thanks Al!! Hilarious - I had no idea where this was going. I was wondering how you had time to visit a sex therapist and was getting visions of Mrs Focker (aka Babara Streisand) coming over to give you a hand ( or a BeBe ). I need a cup of tea and lie down now.

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  5. I got halfway through reading this post, then was interrupted by a phone call. Finished call and went about my day, and then remembered that I didn't know the ending of this story and exclaimed "Clitoris!" out loud. Thank goodness, I am home alone with nobody to hear me but the cat.

    Clitoris! Clitoris! Penis!

    You never fail to make me laugh, Kerri.

    (PS word verification is YOGINE - perfect. As opposed to MYGINE, I'm guessing.)

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  6. Bloody brillinat :) And puts our tweetfest last night entirely in context, thank god. So relieved to know it wasn't *your* Dolores.

    Aren't those pre-meds a beautiful thing though? I had one for an emergency procedure following my son's birth, and apparently kept calling my husband- who was in scrubs and a surgical mask to accompany me in to theatre- Dr Ross. I was watching a lot of ER back in those days.... was so disappointed to wake up and find he wasn't.

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  7. Bloody brilliant :) And puts our tweetfest last night entirely in context, thank god. So relieved to know it wasn't *your* Dolores.

    Aren't those pre-meds a beautiful thing though? I had one for an emergency procedure following my son's birth, and apparently kept calling my husband- who was in scrubs and a surgical mask to accompany me in to theatre- Dr Ross. I was watching a lot of ER back in those days.... was so disappointed to wake up and find he wasn't.

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  8. Oh I full thought you might have been doing some kind of story on sex talkers or something where you and two other writers were "hands-on" researching. Going in for the an operation was kind of a relief!

    PS was the anesthetist hot? It seems to be a pre-requisite here in QLD.

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  9. hahaha! Love your writing, Kerri. I can honestly say that I have been tooo scared to say ANYTHING while waiting to be operated on. They usually make me count or something lame like that... clitoris's, penises etc would be more interesting ;)

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  10. Haha, you had me at clitoris.
    I just laughed out loud, and I know Clitoris, Clitoris, Vagina and penises, will be on my mind for the rest of the day. Well, not literally on my mind, but you know what I mean...

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  11. Bloody beautiful. The writing that is.

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  12. I think I saw part of that episode...oh dear - no, not what you need to see at all - apt perhaps but not, at all what you want.
    Hope you are all okay. I too love pre-meds and indeed generals - I think I may be trying to convince the podiatrist to give me one on Saturday...(my verification thing is "aksessive" - I love your verification - always makes me smile)

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  13. Kerri, that is brilliant, so so clever.... you sneaky person, leaking details the day before, garnering reader interest, creating your own mini media storm. I hope this piece goes further than your blog. As a writer, you rock!

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  14. Missed that Oprah show, hang on, I miss them all cos I never watch. Also missed any funny tales from any of the numerous times I've had pre-meds & anasthetics for minor & major gynae ops... sheesh, all the pain & none of the fun, not fair !

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  15. You rock Kerri. Just what I needed to read today xxx

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  16. What was the surgery?

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  17. Laughed my ass off and scared the dog who was sleeping under the stairs!

    Freaking hilarious. I don't think i've ever spoken when going under, but I remember not wanted a guy to Xray my knee when doped up on morphine because I thought my stubble made my legs look gorilla hairy!

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  18. Anonymous:
    Er... being gynae surgery, it was for my female parts. Minor, endoscopic, nothing scary at all. Except for having to watch Oprah in the waiting room.
    K

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  19. I once had surgery and afterwards this kindly religious person came up to me to offer me a prayer. I thought I was dead. So I dead what anyone else would do under the circumstances and screamed at him to "Fuck off and take your fucking afterlife with you". I also hit him.

    I was only told this by my husband who made a very embarrassed donation to said religious man

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  20. Many years ago, after a 36 hour labour, waiting for no 1 son to be born, an anaesthatist arrived to administer an epidural. He or some one else (can't remember who) proceeded to measure my contractions by putting their hand on my large, uncovered tummy. But I remember it was the anaesthatist who remarked on my unusually tanned tummy (they were the days when I still sun baked and sometimes I went topless and tummy-less). 'Oh,' I replied, absolutely crazy with joy to be relieved of pain, 'you should see my beautiful legs, now they are really brown!' He and my husband both looked a little startled but I continued, 'take those sheets off my legs you can't see them with those things hiding them! When no one moved, I added 'Go on don't be shy'!

    I still rembember feeling that what I was saying was possibly a little inappropriate but I just couldn't help myself. You gotta love those epidurals.

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  21. I have never had surgery. Ever. *runs over to touch some wood*

    And this is what scares me the most. What am I capable of saying when under some drug?

    I'm quite sure the drs and nurses had a good laff at your conversation. That's for sure!

    Hope all is well now lovely. xxx

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  22. Kerri, just a question re your recent Jewish sex laws tweets (I tried to DM you, but apparently doesn't work if you're not following me (you're not following me? gasp!))

    Where does it say these things? In the Torah? Bible? I want to know purely for educational research purposes, not to use 4 my own means AT ALL...

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  23. Princess CJ what's your Twitter name????

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  24. Mrs_C_J_Ludwell

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  25. That is very funny! I like how you can remember things right to the moment you fall asleep before the op, then nothing.

    I had gas before my needle last year, and I remember asking the docs what the gas tastes like, he said texta, I said 'like paint? I hate chroming' and then corrected myself by saying I'm not a chromer. They put the gas mask on and I cried and that is the last thing I recall...

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  26. Just linked this article on my facebook account. it’s a very interesting article for all.

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  27. This is hilarious! Just be glad it wasn't the Oprah show on colons. Ugh.

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  28. Just linked this article on my facebook account. it’s a very interesting article for all.

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  29. You rock Kerri. Just what I needed to read today xxx

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  30. Bloody brilliant :) And puts our tweetfest last night entirely in context, thank god. So relieved to know it wasn't *your* Dolores.

    Aren't those pre-meds a beautiful thing though? I had one for an emergency procedure following my son's birth, and apparently kept calling my husband- who was in scrubs and a surgical mask to accompany me in to theatre- Dr Ross. I was watching a lot of ER back in those days.... was so disappointed to wake up and find he wasn't.

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  31. Popping over from Weekend Rewind - your post title got me very intrigued - and I wasn't disappointed when I got here - fantastic post. xxx

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  32. This one still makes me laugh. I note that I was the first commenter on it all those months ago - clitoris! Penis! Vibrator! You must be getting some awesome traffic from those carefully - penis! - placed - vibrator! - keywords (clitoris). :-)

    Thanks for Rewinding at the Fibro!

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  33. Visiting from the "Rewind"...the title intrigued me and the post didn't disappoint. Too funny.

    Babymama
    www.avagracescloset.blogspot.com

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  34. Hilarious!! Found you thru the Rewind...funny funny stuff!

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  35. Speaking of clitoris' and hospitals.. I found myself at a certain North Shore hospital emergency dept with a broken ankle several weeks ago. 3 days later...I was in post op and was told to have a wee. I couldn't so I suggested that the nurse insert a catheter before my bladder exploded. She agreed and began preparing the tubes. The she began to try and insert the catheter in my clitoris. Yes you can cross your legs and wince now. I screamed and tried to push her away. She dove in one more time muttering that she almost got it. I told her to get another nurse. When the other nurse inserted it in the right spot the first nurse said, "Oh I looked there but decided to go in the top one instead"
    The TOP one? You tell me. This was an Rn byt the way not a student. Time to review that copy of Grays Anatomy.

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