Last week I met an idol of mine, the author and columnist Mark Dapin. Mark is tattooed, Jewish, and an ex-editor of men’s magazines, which makes us similar in at least two ways. He is hysterically funny, and uses lots of asterisks in his writing, a technique I have appropriated as my own*. He is also quite famous, as far as writers go, which meant that I was very nervous to meet him.
You see, I do, as a rule, become immensely stupid around celebrities. It’s a problem. Though I can be normal** around non-celebrities, I am staggeringly awkward around the famous. My mouth feels peculiar and I blurt out inappropriate things and my limbs don’t know what to do with themselves. It’s like I ceremonially debase myself before the celebrity as a gesture of my respect. Or perhaps I’m just a blithering idiot.
It’s happened to me many times before. When I met the (Jewish, non-tattooed) author Lily Brett at a book reading, I became overcome with excitement, putting up my hand and asking her a question that I was afterwards reliably informed made absolutely no sense. Lily kindly attempted to answer it anyway, but the look on her face revealed a wary compassion clearly usually reserved for stalkers and the insane.
My run-in with Toni Collette was equally tragic. I found myself in a lift with her at Westfield one day, along with my two older children, who were chatting excitedly about getting home to watch Toy Story 2 on DVD.
“How are you watching Toy Story 2?” Toni asked. “It hasn’t been released on DVD yet.”
“We got it in Fiji!” my son yelled with glee. “It’s a fake but it still works!”
Toni looked at me with reproach.
“Oh, we never usually get pirated DVD’s!” I started babbling desperately***. “It’s just that the kids saw it and they really wanted it and I couldn’t say no and I’m so sorry and I don’t mean to destroy your industry and I’ll never do it again and I understand it’s really wrong of me and...” at which time I noticed that Toni had exited the lift about three floors earlier and I was prattling away to myself.
Then, memorably, there was my encounter with Nicole Kidman. I was with my husband and our friend J in a cafe, and Ms Kidman walked in and recognised J from school. Now, I wasn’t a fan of Nicole Kidman, and yet still I became an irrepressible moron. I tried to smile but my face went the wrong way, my eyes started twitching, and when I attempted to say ‘Nice to meet you’ it came out ‘Nimyeoo’. Happily, though, I believe Nicole just thought I was drunk.
So my encounter with Mark Dapin was, by comparison, far less embarrassing. I gushed and I rambled and I raved and I even offered to show him my tattoos, but still, I managed to speak, and at least I didn’t confess to owning any pirated software.
I did, however, blurt out ‘Nimyeoo’ when we parted. But, unlike my farewell to Nicole Kidman, in this case, it was a Mark of respect.
*as I demonstrate here.
**using ‘normal’ in the sense of ‘normal compared to exceedingly abnormal people’
***though we’d just brought home about 25
Originally published in the AJN
You are hiliarious. I'm sure they were all thinking 'Nimyeoo' as well.
ReplyDeleteBloody funny as usual. I have met far fewer of the famous than you in person (where *do* you hang out?) but have the same problem on Twitter. Though I would like to think of myself as grown up, sophisticated and not at all impressed by the shallow trappings of celebrity, the minute someone who might get an invite to the Logies or once slept with Shane Warne replies to me- or gasp- *follows* me, I turn into a blithering idiot who tweets about Justin Bieber and what my podiatrist was eating for lunch. Sadder still, I don't even have a podaitrist. What is it about a brush with even low level fame that robs the atmosphere of oxygen?
ReplyDeletePhew! Now if ever I meet you, you'll know what I mean when I utter "Nimyeoo" and run to the loo or something*.
ReplyDelete*After accidentally dropping whatever drink or food or child I might've been holding.
I am an expert in this field. I run into many celebrities where I live. You could say I live in a second Hollywood*.
ReplyDelete*Actually, a few Neighbours 'actors' live around this area and when I see them in Woolworths I just kind of stare, whilst trying to seem like I'm not staring. Or laughing.
Last week I went to a book 'event' for the author Lionel Shriver, author of my most favourite book "We Need To Talk About Kevin". I didn't trust myself to ask a question and could only smile inanely while she signed my three books. There was a perfect opening when she noticed I had a first edition of "Kevin" but all I could do was smile and nod like an IDIOT! I so wish I could relieve that moment and say something smart about how much I love that book, etc....
ReplyDeleteAnd, clearly, I'd like to RELIVE the moment but I'd be happy to RELIEVE myself of it, too.
ReplyDeleteVery funny! I also want to know how come you get to meet all these famous people.
ReplyDeleteYour encounter with Toni Collette sounds cringe-worthy. I could imagine her doing an incredibly convincing death stare.
As for Nicole, does she have wrinkles in real life?
Remember Beryl from Sons and Daughters? I once served her in a newsagency as a teenager.I was trying to be nonchalant but instead of saying 'Here's your change' I said 'Here's your Beryl.'
ReplyDeleteMama Mogantosh: I feel SO much better now. Nimyeoo!
ReplyDeleteAnd Lisa... I meet all these famous people because I spend a great deal of time in lifts at Westfield. And cafes at Bondi.
ReplyDeleteAs for Nicole... I met her many, many years ago, when she was still married to Tom. At that point, yes, she did have wrinkles. But back then, she could also frown. A lot has changed.
Kerri, you are a fantastic writer. I love your blog. I also like Mark Dapin's column in Good Weekend.
ReplyDeleteI am also a bit crazy around celebrities. When I've met Darren Hayes (numerous occasions) I've screamed. Numerous times. I didn't know I was a screamer until I met Darren. When I met Callan Mulvey (twice) I:
1) got a bit drunk and told him he was the most beautiful man on TV
2) shook so much I could hardly speak and pointed to the screen saver of him and I (the pic from meeting in section 1) on my iPhone.
I am just not cool calm or collected.
My friend once met his idol John "Rampaging Roy Slaven" Doyle. Having had quite an interesting chat with him, when it came to parting, my friend shook John Doyle's hand and, instead of saying "Pleased to meet you", he just say "Please?" in this pathetic little squeaky voice. I still laugh when I think about it.
ReplyDeleteI love this, it appears when you can hold it together with a celebrity in your midst, your children take over & embarrass you instead. Aces!! My children have a pep talk outside many a store/ event to curb their comments. Oh, good luck, clearly you just need to meet more & more celebrities to make it so normal SO when you finally end up in a lift with Simon Baker you're as cool & effortlessly coherant as ever. Hang around Hollywood much?? Love Posie
ReplyDeletei LOVE your kind of normal, Sackville.
ReplyDeleteYou are the best, you make the rest of us "blithering idiots" feel so much better xx
ReplyDeleteYou know that was your opportunity to take the bitch down for stealing your part in that small movie that had to effect on her movie career.
ReplyDeleteThat Toni Collette encounter made me laugh.
We got about 16 kids dvd's out the day we first worked out how to Burn DVD's and the guy at the DVD store said "geez you are going to be busy". Sam piped up with, "oh we are just going to copy them, no rush"
Word verifcation: pesseme Reckon if I am lucky enough to run into a celeb, I may use that one on them.
Giggling away here - that star-struck-iness thing has never hit me but then again I have not been in a lift with Toni Collette, or a cafe with Nicole Kidman or a tattoo booth with Mark Dapin. I have however, shopped in Vegas alongside Vince Colosimo who appeared to be buying winter socks for a small female relative and was apparently uninterested in what I was buying, AND I have also shared the lift at the ABC with several Chaser dudes who behaved in unexpectedly mundane ways. Impressed aren't you Kerri.? Unlike you, and I know this is not cool (or so my friends tell me) I am a fan of Nicole Kidman, not the actor, but the person - somehow she seems a little more normal and well-adjusted than the average Hollywood "exceedingly abnormal" ** people ( ** as you would put it)
ReplyDeleteOMG, too funny!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure if I ever met you I'd do exactly the same...'cause to me, YOU are famous! ;)
LOL v.funny. Where did Nimyeoo come from? How did you even come out with that word? I go blank when I meet famous people - plus I usually start sweating so shaking their hand is generally unpleasant for them. I also feel like that guy in the deodorant ad where the sweat is spurting out of his armpits like a hose. If I ever meet you please wear a raincoat.
ReplyDeleteAfter yesterday's amazing clitoral dissertation, I decided to dig deeper into the mind of KSack, and what do I find, Gold, Pure Gold!
ReplyDeleteCeleb meetings where you embarrass yourself. What could be worse for your ego than imprinting an awkward moment with someone famous. I'm off to write my own version of this story, unfortunately it'll probably be more cringeworthy. We ordinary folk have no shame.
It's weeks later and I am still laughing about 'Here's your Beryl' so I thought I would come back and re-do an earlier comment that was lost to the great interwebz in the sky.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was much younger (ie, when Nicole Kidman had her first round of red hair and so did I) I was 'spotted' in the street and asked to come in to see about being Nicole's body double in the movie Moulin Rouge. I had had the comparison mentioned by various people in passing before, mainly due to the fact that we were both tall with fair skin and long red curly hair. Our looks have diverged somewhat, so that comparison has not been made of me in nigh on 10 years I would say. And I didn't get the body double gig because it turns out I was too, ahem, curvaceous. I would be blocking more light than it was required of Ms Kidman to block. Shame. It sounded like SUCH interesting work.
Anyway. Onwards and upwards. Fast forward a few years and I bumped into Kate Winslet at the after party for a play her husband Sam Mendes had put on in a small theatre in London. After I had squeaked out Hello and she had duly hello'd in return, she wasn't too forthcoming with the small talk so I was left with no choice but to launch into a virtual monologue covering such topics as a mutual acquaintance we had, and what that acquaintance had been up to, both career, family and location-wise in the intervening years since said acquaintance and Kate's paths had crossed; when I got nuthin out of that I moved on to the more topical (and closer-to-home) trivia that I in fact had grown up in the very same suburb (Sans Souci, if any one is still reading this) as the Australian character Kate played in the movie Holy Smoke. I think she had uttered one syllable the entire time. Did I mention I tend to ramble when I'm nervous? (Oh,and on occasion when I'm commenting on a blog).
Soon after the Kate Winslet Debacle I met the Queen Mother. Having learned my lesson, I merely curtsied and nodded rather than attempt to try to shoot the breeze with the oldest English monarch. I'm pretty sure we didn't have any acquaintances in common, and she had never attempted to portray a girl from Sans Souci. Also, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have heard me since she was 98 or so and came up to my kneecaps.
It's weeks later and I am still laughing about 'Here's your Beryl' so I thought I would come back and re-do an earlier comment that was lost to the great interwebz in the sky.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was much younger (ie, when Nicole Kidman had her first round of red hair and so did I) I was 'spotted' in the street and asked to come in to see about being Nicole's body double in the movie Moulin Rouge. I had had the comparison mentioned by various people in passing before, mainly due to the fact that we were both tall with fair skin and long red curly hair. Our looks have diverged somewhat, so that comparison has not been made of me in nigh on 10 years I would say. And I didn't get the body double gig because it turns out I was too, ahem, curvaceous. I would be blocking more light than it was required of Ms Kidman to block. Shame. It sounded like SUCH interesting work.
Anyway. Onwards and upwards. Fast forward a few years and I bumped into Kate Winslet at the after party for a play her husband Sam Mendes had put on in a small theatre in London. After I had squeaked out Hello and she had duly hello'd in return, she wasn't too forthcoming with the small talk so I was left with no choice but to launch into a virtual monologue covering such topics as a mutual acquaintance we had, and what that acquaintance had been up to, both career, family and location-wise in the intervening years since said acquaintance and Kate's paths had crossed; when I got nuthin out of that I moved on to the more topical (and closer-to-home) trivia that I in fact had grown up in the very same suburb (Sans Souci, if any one is still reading this) as the Australian character Kate played in the movie Holy Smoke. I think she had uttered one syllable the entire time. Did I mention I tend to ramble when I'm nervous? (Oh,and on occasion when I'm commenting on a blog).
Soon after the Kate Winslet Debacle I met the Queen Mother. Having learned my lesson, I merely curtsied and nodded rather than attempt to try to shoot the breeze with the oldest English monarch. I'm pretty sure we didn't have any acquaintances in common, and she had never attempted to portray a girl from Sans Souci. Also, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have heard me since she was 98 or so and came up to my kneecaps.
Very funny! I also want to know how come you get to meet all these famous people.
ReplyDeleteYour encounter with Toni Collette sounds cringe-worthy. I could imagine her doing an incredibly convincing death stare.
As for Nicole, does she have wrinkles in real life?