My twitter friend @mummybb suggested that I write about my deepest, darkest secrets. So I shall.
Okay. Here goes:
Oh come ON, are you KIDDING???
Remember @mummybb, I am the kind of person who will tell you when I have used a nose pore strip (Sunday morning) or have had a fight with my husband (Sunday night, not related to the pore strip), or have a finger that resembles a bottom (see first ever blog post). If something is a deep, dark secret then it's got to be pretty damn deep and dark not to have made it into the public arena thus far.
However, given the intense interest about my personal life (well, you know.... from @mummybb), I have decided to expose myself even further. As I cannot reveal my deepest darkest secret for fear of social shunning and possible legal action, I shall instead disclose to you my most hideously embarrasing moment.
Okay. Here goes:
And no, I'm not kidding.
It was a kiss.
Yes, the year was... well... ages ago, and it was my very second kiss. I had just turned 15 and the boy was 17. For the purposes of this blog I shall name the boy Don, because a) that's not his real name, and b) he was wearing a ridiculous white suit that was intentionally reminiscent of Don Johnson in Miami Vice. He was not, however, Don Johnson.
Don and I were sitting on a friend's mother's bed (as one does). I didn't particularly like Don, but we were there, and my friend was kissing Don's friend, so when he leaned in I leaned right back. Then we started kissing. And it did not go well.
A few seconds later Don pulled away, a horrified look on his face.
"Did you do that on purpose?" he asked.
"Do what?" I responded. I was pretty sure I was doing it right, but it was only my second time.
Don looked at me, and told me I....
NO @mummybb, I can't!!! Forgive me, readers, but I just can't tell you. I want to, truly, but I can't. Some things are just too private to reveal, even to the entire bloggersphere.
Did I tell you I used a pore strip on Sunday???
POSTSCRIPT: Okay! Okay! You really want to know????
I bit him.
You are a cruel information tyrant.
ReplyDeleteThat is all.
Not fair. I want to know if its worse than my first kiss, where the boy in questions kept rubbing the backflab over my bra. It was only years later that I realised he thought he had my boob (and I NEVER want to tell him that the handful he grabbed was only flab)
ReplyDeleteLexy - reminds me of Scott Baio on TV last night talking about losing his virginity - he mistook the couch for the girl, and was 'making love to the couch' before he twigged.
ReplyDeleteBOYS.....!
My first kiss was totally bemusing - i thought the guy was trying to eat my face!
ReplyDeleteBut then, after few confused moments, I started to get all tingly so i was pretty sure that whatever it was we were doing, we were doing it ok :-)
Sequel. Please
ReplyDeleteI have had a bad week. I am fraught with worry about Mark Dapin's mother and now this..... Please. Tell us how this ended and I promise not to bore you with the details of my first kiss (which coincidentally was so boring that I think he was asleep - that or I kissed a tree)
Oh it can't have been worse than my first kiss which was like a washing machine and put me off kissing for,oh, two years...UUURGH.
ReplyDelete(but seriously - what did you do???)
Well that was just plain cruel Kerri Sackville. I demand a finish! Demand it, I say!
ReplyDeleteMy first kiss was awkward. Roller disco, 1983 or '84. Paul Murphy was his (real) name. He winked at me, then moved in and there it was. The kiss.
I don't remember it much, but I remember him telling me afterwards that my hair was really "scratchy" or "itchy" or something like that. (No, not the lip above my hair - the hair on my head, thank you very much.)
Cruel. Please finish.
Beotch...
ReplyDeleteWell, that is just a cruel miss use of a blog. I demand the rest of the story, or you know, we might just have to make it up...
ReplyDelete"Do what?" I responded. I was pretty sure I was doing it right, but it was only my second time.
ReplyDeleteDon looked at me, and told me I....
...stuck my tongue up his nose.
...bit his lip.
...dribbled all over his chin.
C'mon, can't be worse than those, surely?
* sigh* Ok, in the spirit of disclosure... I've suffered the embarrassment of all three.
I shall sit and quietly bide my time..you will reveal....just look into my eyes...are you getting sleepy ? *tap tap* is this thing on ? *Sigh*
ReplyDeleteDid you lasciviously stick your tongue {pre mouthguard, of course} down his throat? Is that your darkest secret? If so, be proud.....
ReplyDeletefender4eva
You were an early adopter! Think Twilight. Think New Moon. You are sooo ahead of the curve
ReplyDeleteThank you - now i will be able to sleep. The big question now is, did he end up bleeding?...Biting not so horribly bad, better than my just kind of standing there not doing much...at least biting is exotic :)
ReplyDeletethank-u for finishing! some think biting is erotic.... I am not one of them... but some people like it... I went out with a guy a month ago, had marks all over my neck when I went home... needless to say I didn't see him again... wouldn't it be worse if he didn't say anything and u just kept on merrily going through ur life biting ppl?
ReplyDeleteI don't know which made me laugh more -
ReplyDeleteYou BITING the guy, Lexie's back flab mistaken boob episode or Jodie having her first kiss at a roller disco!
Awesome!
Are you not supposed to bite?
ReplyDeleteThat explains A LOT!
You bit him? Did he, like, have some food hanging off his chin or something, and you thought you'd multi task? tsk tsk
ReplyDeleteSome might consider that a turn on - both the tantalising anticipation of uncertain resolution .... and the bite!
ReplyDeleteHaha, I love it! I still remember my first pash, many moons ago, I ended up with slobber all around my mouth, it was so awful I broke up with him then he called me frigid....
ReplyDeleteI was 28.......
ReplyDeletenaaaah joking I was 14
Ok I just went back a read the bum finger post... My left ring finger looks eerily similar to yours.... my bum crack is over on the right hand side... legacy of a little brother who didn't want me getting out HIS car door...
ReplyDeletexxpt
Yeah, but what *exactly* did you bite?!
ReplyDeleteYeah, but what *exactly* did you bite?!
ReplyDelete