Thank You, Minister, For The Thumbs....

Dear Minister For Education,

Though you are frequently and vehemently criticised (for a variety of important and valid reasons), today I wish to thank you.

Glancing through my son's Year 4 English homework last night, I noticed the sentences that he is required to study. I was astonished at how pertinent, vocational, and conceptually advanced they are, and I would like to congratulate the educator who produced them.

For example (and I take these directly from his workbook):

It is absurd to murder a turnip with a guillotine

I am thrilled to know that my son and his classmates are being taught such vital nuggets of wisdom. Many a night I have lain awake, frantic that my child would attempt to murder a vegetable with an inappropriate implement. What if he tried to kill a carrot with a hairbrush? Or a cucumber with a pair of tweezers? Or - god help us - a potato with an envelope and a ball point pen? Now I can sleep securely again. For my son has copied the sentence, three times. And now, he will never forget it.

The claimant made a complaint about the reminder of artificial politicians

This is an all too common scenario, one of which our children should be aware. Claimants make complaints. After all, claimants are litigious. This is why they are claiming. And we all know that politicians are horrible. Real politicians are bad enough, but artificial politicians? Intolerable. And to be reminded of them is just shocking. So why wouldn't the claimant complain?

There was a disturbing murmur from the teacher on our excursion and I fear she will not survive

Yes, that happens all the time to my son on school excursions. Many a teacher has murmured disturbingly. Generally they recover, but on the odd occasion they do perish. It is difficult enough for the children when this happens in a classroom, but at least then they can call for reinforcements. When it happens on an excursion, they get very anxious, wondering if they shall be left alone, wandering forever in the museum. No wonder they fear for her survival. I would too.

'Oh dear', said the butcher. 'I am sad to announce that I cut off my thumb while I was slicing the lamb.'

Yes, no doubt the butcher is sad. Losing a thumb is a sad experience, whether you are a butcher, a baker, or a candlestick maker. Other people might howl and scream, but being a butcher, this gentleman had no doubt cut off several of his digits previously, whilst slicing lambs, cows, deer, and even the odd chook. So by the time he cut off his thumb, he was saddened, but not alarmed. 'Oh dear', indeed. A most dignified and approrpriate announcement.

It is unlawful to wear a faun miniskirt on the bus.

Well, of course it is. And now the children know it. Very well put.

So thank you, Minister. Our children are in excellent hands. Even if some of them, sadly, do not have thumbs.

Sincerely,

Kerri