September 21, 2009

Bringing The Bite Back Into The Bedroom

So this afternoon I am being fitted for a mouthguard. I will need to wear it in bed every night for...well... ever, to stop me grinding my teeth into oblivion.

I'm thrilled about getting a mouthguard. Obviously I'm happy about saving my teeth from extinction, but most importantly, I feel it will do wonders for my relationship with my husband. Our bedtime routine has been lacking a bit of spark lately, and I feel a mouthguard is just what we need to get us back on track. After all,
  • A mouthguard screams sexy. It screams role play. It's a bit Bondage and Discipline, muddled up with Doctor and Nurse, all tied together with Tough Boxer Chick.
  • A mouthguard screams confident. A woman with a mouthguard knows who she is. She has priorities (you know... her teeth). She's so damn secure in herself that she couldn't care less what she looks like, she's gonna wear that thing no matter how horrifed anyone is (using 'anyone' in the sense of 'the man lying next to her').
  • A mouthguard screams successful. This is a woman who has a lot in her life. After all, teeth grinding is about stress, and stress isn't brought on by nothing. She has a lot of something. She's got the world on her shoulders. And she's handling it. In her mouth.
  • A mouthguard screams mysterious. It's like a burqa for the mouth. There's a hint of what may be in there, a whispered promise of what's inside, but it's guarded, hidden by a bit of plastic. And only the invited can look beyond.

Really, the mouthguard is the new black. I may be an early adopter, but give it a few months and I reckon everyone will be wearing one. Life is stressful, and teeth are important, and we need to protect them from ourselves.

More importantly, though, we all need a bit of sizzle back in the bedroom.

I can assure you, my husband isn't going to know what hit him.

18 comments:

  1. i have been told i need a mouthguard for teeth grinding. unfortunately i would prefer to snaffle a man BEFORE i get fitted for mouth guard.

    OH and i found a typo - HUSABAND. see last line.

    and, because i dont twitter. please post new picture on blog too. it doesnt show up on your twitter page for non-twitterers.

    love - kerri sackville's lover.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am picturing you looking like Hannibal Lecter you know with that leather mouth guard but I'm sure it's not as bad as that...

    ReplyDelete
  3. No Kerri, It wasn't fender. I'm just someone who likes to read your blog and twitters.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hello Kerri Sackville's Lover, Divine to meet you.
    Curious how you knew about a new pic if you don't Twitter????
    But here it is....
    http://twitter.com/account/profile_image/KerriSackville?hreflang=en

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ooer - the plot thickens! This is fun! This kind of reminds me of the custom made silicone casts my dentist made for teeth bleaching. The bleach was a bit blech so I never explored the erotic possibilities... shall give it a go and let you know how I get on!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Good luck with the mouthguard. I tried one for a while (yep, another teeth-grinder) but after 3 days without sleep decided that worn outteeth were better than permanent insomnia.
    Supradict

    ReplyDelete
  7. You know that all the roolly cool people wear black mouthguards with a skull and cross-bones painted on them. Just saying....you know.

    ReplyDelete
  8. OK, confession time - I wore one for six years in my 20s, to stop grinding and to correct a bit issue.

    The worst thing was the dribbling on the pillow. Not sexy.

    Yes, you needed to know this.

    41 & Pregnant
    http://www.twitter.com/41BabyProject

    ReplyDelete
  9. The mouthguard is a burqa for the mouth. Hillarious. I'm going to quote you on that one.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Never had a mouthguard, but had retainers for a while (you know, those hideous clear plastic things that go over your teeth to try and keep them in place)...brilliant during the night when you got the munchies and headed out to the kitchen for a late night snack, forgetting you had them on, and trying to bite into some cheese...oh memories....

    ReplyDelete
  11. Welcome to the dark side of marital mouthguards. There are many of us. We are plentiful and some of us have even managed to procreate while wearing them.
    We also have a secret handshake but let's take things one grind at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  12. That's strange. I always thought you put your teeth in a cup on the bedside table.Obviously a different Kerri.My apologies.XXX

    ReplyDelete
  13. You are like a closet for wit. A wit closet. Clean all that wit up in your room, so you do, and then you put it in a closet till it is almost bursting.

    And then some poor sod like me comes along to read your blog, absent-mindedly turning the handle...

    ReplyDelete
  14. That is very funny! I must read more.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh my God, I've been fitted for one of those things too - sad confession, I went through all the fittings and have yet to wear the damn thing. It's just so damn - tight. And there's so much spit. I put it in, wear it for five and then take it out. My teeth will be stumps.

    Oh, and I don't even grind. I clench. How will the mouthguard save me from that I ask you?

    Would like some stats on how many of us are out there in mouthguards - and why? Is it a sign of the times. Too much stress or too many dentists?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Welcome to the dark side of marital mouthguards. There are many of us. We are plentiful and some of us have even managed to procreate while wearing them.
    We also have a secret handshake but let's take things one grind at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  17. The mouthguard is a burqa for the mouth. Hillarious. I'm going to quote you on that one.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I am picturing you looking like Hannibal Lecter you know with that leather mouth guard but I'm sure it's not as bad as that...

    ReplyDelete

Thanks! Love hearing from you.

Like it? Share it!