March 6, 2011

Alone Again..... Totally Unnaturally

At this very moment, I am writing to you from a hotel lobby in a place Far, Far Away (actually about two hours drive from home, but anywhere I am unable to hear my kids calling to me is Far, Far Away indeed).

I have had the privilege of being granted a leave pass from my duties as Wife and Mother for a weekend. An opportunity to be without children, laundry, lunchboxes, and the lascivious looks of my husband (which are frequently welcome, but right now I'm hellishly tired and seriously just want to sleep).

I've fantasized about my night away for week. Imagined myself sleeping all afternoon, having a massage, browsing through shops, finishing my book, and - most importantly - eating a burger and chips on my bed at night whilst watching stupid TV (which has always been my definition of Nirvana).

I have never been away for a night alone before, other than for work. I have never known the joy of having absolutely nothing to do but indulge myself and myself alone, without thought of the comfort of others. And I was mildly apprehensive. What if I didn't like being alone? What if I pined for company? What if I got bored? And - most terrifying of all - what if the hotel didn't serve burgers and chips?

Well, so far none of my fears have been realised, though there have been some minor hiccups. For a start, I arrived at the hotel and misunderstood the parking instructions. I ended up parking at the bottom of a steep hill and trudging up with my bag to find the carpark at the top of the mountain directly in front of the hotel lobby. But hey, I could use a bit of exercise, particularly considering I planned to consume my body weight in cow and potato that evening.

Once in my room I fell on the bed and had a lovely, twenty-minute nap (using 'twenty' in the sense of 'one hundred and fifty' and 'lovely' in the sense of 'semi-comatose').

Drowsy and disoriented, I then donned my hotel robes and slippers, and stumbled out of my room for my massage. Unfortunately, I got lost somewhere in the hotel, and ended up wandering dazed and confused through the hotel, naked under my terry toweling dressing gown. This was fine when I ended up in the pool area, but rather awkward when I had to seek advice from the bartender in the lobby, who happened to be serving several patrons dressed far more appropriately than I for the cocktail hour.

The massage was lovely, marred only by my growling stomach in the last fifteen minutes. I bolted back up to my room (waving to the barman as I passed), checked out the Room Service menu, and gave silent (okay, loud) thanks when I located the Angus Beef Burger and Fries. I ordered my meal, and lay back on the pillows, envisaging myself working my way through my food at leisure, nibbling on my fries, taking delicate bites of my burger, sipping my iced water and dabbing my mouth with a linen napkin, all the whilst giggling through a movie with Cameron Diaz.

Alas, it was not to be. The food arrived and my overwhelming hunger got the better of me. I inhaled my massive burger and the huge pile of chips in about two minutes flat. Truly. I opened my mouth, crammed the monstrous thing in, and kept shovelling the remaining chips until all that remained was a miniscule puddle of sauce and half a sprig of parsley. I didn't even use the cutlery.

Deeply ashamed, I decided I'd do better next time. Room Service meals are to savour, not gobble. What's more, now I know where the parking is, so I really should give that another go, too.

So I rang up Reception, bargained a cheap deal, and called my husband to tell him the good news.

"I need another burger and I want to go to the bar in my clothes. If it's okay, sweetie, I'm staying another night."

Of course, I have no idea what mishaps will occur today. It is very possible I will never leave here at all.


  1. *said in muted tone so as not to ruin your relaxed state* Enjoy.

  2. Bliss. So jealous right now, not only of your Purple Melissa Wedges, but of your aloneness. Enjoy every moment. You totally deserve it. xx
    PS please assure me you are not lying on the bedspread???

  3. I once had to explain to a teenager working in a roadhouse truly in the middle of nowhere, that I had driven 300km to have a night off. She didn't get it, but the parents laughing at the next table did.

  4. As my husband once again leaves me at home to juggle everything while winging his way to America, I too am hoping to enjoy some of this hotel freedom for myself, come late April ;). SO much so, I fantasise about not returning for 4WHOLE NIGHTS.

    After years of this routine, it's about time the tables were finally turned. The mere thought makes me giddy with excitement akin to teens at a Bieber sighting (Level 10).

    We've done our time. Time to reap, baby!

  5. Kerri, a couple of tips for next time.Firstly, it's not kosher to eat a burger with a knife and fork, { using kosher in the sense of being cool }.Secondly, you must always inhale the burger using both hands, and ignoring the sauce dribbling down your chin.Only then, will you have conquered the art of room service dining...

  6. Oh enjoy it. You've so deserve it. I, when I come to Sydney for, count em, four entire days by my freaking self, sleep lots, eat lots and drink lots. LOTS.

    You need to book yourself in to do this more often. Do it. xx

  7. I am slightly (ok, insanely) jealous right now. The possibility of nights away are still a way off for me - what with breastfeeding the little one. But I'm dreaming of the day. In the meantime I'll read your post and stare wistfully into the distance.

    Enjoy! And there should be more of it.

  8. You are booking this regularly now...yes you are's time, ladies for us all to do it.. Alone.. Eating Room Service Burgers..On the Bed..and listening to ....zzzz... NanaNaps rock!!

  9. OMG I am like soooo jealous right now!! Just sent Cranky Toddler off to creche and now at home dealing with Crying Baby. But you know what? It makes me feel good just knowing that a mother out there is doing what you're doing...

  10. Look out in the future for an abusive email from my husband when I tell him you have inspired me to do the same. Stat.

  11. Can we stay there when *I* come to Sydney?? I mean, I'm sure your children are delightful and all, but the peace... the waiters... the hot and cold running cow and potato....

  12. Sounds amazing!

    Counting down the days until my Sydney trip. Three nights! I just hope I'm sober enough to remember them xx

  13. Eat, Pray, Love.
    No, stuff that. Just eat and sleep.
    Glowing bright green here at the moment.



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