I'm not that bad. Really. Mostly.

When I started blogging it was 2009, I was married, and I didn't imagine myself being out in the singles scene again. (Please note: Even though I am divorced now I am not exactly out in the 'singles scene'. The 'singles scene' for me carries intonations of 70's disco music, key parties and men with handlebar moustaches, and I spend most of my time alone in front of the computer. But still...)

Back in those days, I felt free to wax lyrically about all of my flaws - my poor cooking skills, my clumsiness, my parenting fails, my massive fuck-ups, even my poor seduction techniques. And it was fine, because I had a partner, and it really didn't matter if the rest of the world knew how deeply imperfect I was.

Now, however, times have changed. At some stage, I am going to want to attract a mate. And so I need to put my best foot forward, and demonstrate to the world how marvellously desirable I really am.

Yeah. I need him.

Unfortunately, I keep forgetting to do that in my videos with Lana. Therefore, before you watch our latest offering, I would like you to peruse and study the list below. It is important to redress the imbalance of information out there, and to understand that I have many excellent qualities too.

For example:

• I am a warm and friendly person (when I have had enough sleep and am fully caffeinated).
• I can reverse park into very tight spots, often without even bumping the car behind me.
• I do a sensational French Braid. (Not on my own hair, because that requires quite a sophisticated level of hand-eye co-ordination, but on other people.)
• Dogs love me. I'm not mad about them, but they really do love me.
• I am very loving and kind (when I have had enough sleep and am fully caffeinated).
• I make brilliant scrambled eggs. And really, that is a meal in itself.
• I am an excellent friend and always answer emails and texts. (Not phone calls, of course. But who makes phone calls anymore??)
• I have an excellent sense of humour, unless you believe my son. But please, please don't believe my son.
• I am supportive, empathic and nurturing (when I have had enough sleep and am fully caffeinated).

watch us discuss (some pretty weird) bad habits here:

Proper, Funny Writing?

On the weekend I attended the Problogger conference in Melbourne. I was one of the speakers, on a panel with Allison Tait and Valerie Khoo, and I discussed the ways in which I use my blog to promote myself as a writer. A 'proper' writer. A writer of columns and articles and books and online posts. A funny writer, but a proper writer nonetheless. A proper, funny writer. If you know what I mean.

Hopefully, then, there will be many new readers clicking on to my blog today for the first time, waiting with baited breath to read, for the first time, a stunning example of my proper, funny writing.

And what a surprise they're going to get.

Because I don't have a piece of proper, funny writing for you today. Instead, I have a diagram.

So for those of you new to this proper, funny blog, let me explain:

A few weeks ago, I despaired of ever being able to stop biting my nails. And I called upon my loyal blog readers to help me in my quest, by offering to name a particular nail for me, and providing me - and said nails - with emotional support. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love expressed (and the sheer ridiculousness of the monikers chosen). Now, finally, I have chosen my ten names, and can reveal them to the world. (Sadly, I can't reveal the nails themselves, as they are still rather short and stubby - particularly Al, who had a bit of an accident with a rough edge and a tooth - but they will get there soon.)

Hence the diagram.

To those whose names adorn these typing fingers, thank you. I will look after them well. To those who missed out on naming a nail, fear not. There are still my toes.

And to those who came here looking for a proper, funny read, I apologise. Please come again soon. I promise that next time I will be hilarious. And if not, you can name my left ear. It's huge!


In other news, the winner of the Where's Wally costume (notasponsoredpost) is Jenny M, because I love the idea of her son being dressed as Wally for his Buck's Night. Jenny, please email me!!!

Sponsor A Fingernail In Need

I know this will not come as a surprise to any of you, because of course you've all read my recent memoir, The Little Book of Anxiety. But for those of you who enjoy a recap, let me state for the record: I bite my nails. This is, arguably, my deepest shame, alongside not being able to locate Algeria on a map, eating Nutella with my hands, and trying to seduce Elliot Perlman at a writer's festival (although the only shameful part of the latter was the fact that I failed quite spectacularly).

Not my nails. But soon will be!

It pains me deeply that I have not managed to kick my nail biting habit in the forty three years I've been on earth. Even assuming that I didn't start biting my nails until I had teeth, that's still around forty two years I've had my fingers in my mouth. And at least 40% of the time those fingers don't even have Nutella on them, so there's really no excuse at all.

As I wrote in my Little Book, I have managed to overcome my embarrassing habit by getting acrylic nails. Sadly, however, I have also managed to bite off said acrylic nails at least eight times in the past two years. I have now reached the point where I am too ashamed to venture into the nail salon yet again to have them replaced as I can no longer bear the pitying looks.

So... I have made a resolution. I am going to grow my own, calcium-based nails, for real, this time. But for this, I need your help. I cannot do it alone. (I know this because I have failed about five times a year for the past forty three years.)

How can you help? Well, I have a unique and thrilling idea. (Trust me, you'll be thrilled.) I am calling on ten of you to Sponsor a Nail and encourage me on my quest. And let me tell you - Sponsoring a Nail is an incredible privilege. What do you get? I'm glad you ask! Sponsoring a Nail gives you naming rights - yes, naming rights! - over one of my nails. And that's not all! I will also keep you updated with information about your nail's progress, including how it is growing and whether I've been tempted to nibble it. But wait - there's more! Because when a suitable length is reached, and I get my real nails painted for the first time, you determine the colour of your particular nail.

Can you believe it?

So how do you win one of these ten fabulous nails??? To apply to Sponsor a Nail, please comment below, including the name you would choose for my nail, and which nail you would like to sponsor. (Obviously you would all prefer to sponsor my Bum Finger nail, but please bear in mind there is only one of those.)

My kids and I will choose the ten winners, and announce them on this blog when the competition closes. (The competition will close when I have decided I have enough entries. It's my competition, after all.)

So thank you all very much for your support, and I look forward to receiving your entries.