I MADE SEXY WORDS!!!

Let me preface this post by stating that I am not good at languages*. I went to a Jewish day school and the only second language we were taught until high school was Hebrew, and I absolutely sucked at that. This was partly because I just don't have a good ear for languages (particularly guttural Middle Eastern languages that sound like an ongoing exercise in throat-clearing), and partly because the Hebrew teachers at the time were Maths teachers shipped out from Israel, who had no experience whatsoever in the teaching of language. In fact, they had very little grasp of English at all, which led to us treating them with the shocking adolescent contempt reserved for weak and insecure teachers. One teacher, in particular - who we called 'Auntie Edna' for reasons which escape me - earned our particular wrath.

"Do you know what 'shit' means, Auntie Edna?" one boy asked.

"I know only what it is I want to know," she answered haughtily, which I suspect wasn't true at all, but was a pretty good answer nonetheless.

Later, in high school, I studied French, because I loved listening to French people talk, and had visions of myself ordering croissants and cafe au lait in Paris. Sadly, I discovered very quickly that I sucked at French, too. And - unlike my forced study of Hebrew - I really, really wanted to learn French. I studied really hard. I read the books and listened to the tapes and practiced every day. Once I left school I studied French at uni, and once I left uni I studied French at the Alliance Francaise, just for fun. And now, after all that work, I can order croissants and cafe au lait. But I still can't book a hotel room in French or order a taxi or understand a word of SBS Friday night porn. I really am just a cultural Fail.

The top line says 'Kerri Sackville' in Italian

Which leads me to my one second language success. Because I have before me the Italian version of When My Husband Does the Dishes. Yes, I have actually written a book in Italian. And it is beautiful. It says things like 'Una delle grandi e tragiche ironie' and 'Come tutti sappiamo' and 'Una chiamata sul cellular potrebbe', and while I don't have a clue what they all mean, they sound absolutely magnificent and damn sexy besides.

I received a couple of copies of the book, which means I have one to giveaway. So if you speak Italian, or you know someone who speaks Italian who would like a copy of my fabulous and hilarious memoir, leave a comment below and I will choose the best and most deserving to win.

Ciao, mes amis. Or something like that....

*English excluded**
**hopefully

HERE he is!!!

Here is an odd fact for you.

One day, late last year, I was driving in the city and I saw Wally walking in the street. I'm not even kidding. I'm not talking about Wally Lewis (I wouldn't recognise him if I ran him over in my car) or Wally Smith (who may or may not exist, I can't actually think of anyone else called Wally). It was Wally. As in Where's Wally. Walking down the road.

I tried to get a picture of Wally on my iPhone, but stopped when I remembered that it was illegal to use an iPhone whilst driving*. So sadly I don't have any photographic evidence, but I can assure you it was him. I can also assure you that he wasn't just a random guy in blue pants and a stripey red-and-white top - he had the stripey red-and-white hat to match, and if you can find one man in the universe who would wear that who is not Wally, then I'll show you a flying baboon**.

I searched the internet to no avail, and then took to Twitter to ask if anybody knew why Wally was walking around the streets of Sydney. No-one did. In fact, one or two people surmised that perhaps I'd been imagining things, and reiterated the dangers of driving whilst under the influence of Wally-sighting-inducing drugs.

So I let it all go, and pretty much forgot the whole incident.

Until now.

You see, Wally is suddenly back in my life.

As you may know, it is Wally's 25th anniversary***. And in honour of that anniversary, I have a magnificent prize pack to give away.

The pack consists of:

• 1 x Adult 'Where's Wally' costume
• 1 x Adult 'Where's Wally' Wenda costume
• 1 x 25th Anniversary 'Where's Wally' Hardcopy collectors edition book
• 1 x Where's Wally desktop standee

Total value $110.

 

To enter, please leave your comment below (or on Facebook) explaining why you want a Where's Wally costume. Because a) I need some way to choose a winner. And b) I really want to know. Why on earth do you want a Where's Wally costume???

 

The winner will be announced on this blog.

*although it may also have had something to do with the fact that I couldn't find it in my bag in time to capture him.
**this is metaphorical. I don't really have a flying baboon to show you. I don't actually think they exist.
***not wedding anniversary. I don't think he's married. Would you marry someone who wears that outfit???

This is not a sponsored post. I just like Wally.

Bzzzzzzzz....... It's Giveaway Time!!!!!!

UPDATED:

WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!

Yes girls (well... it WAS mainly girls), after some wonderful entries here online and privately via email, I have made my decision. And yes, I unashamedly allowed myself to be swayed by the clever inclusion of the term 'Simon Baker'.

So congratulations to MAMA MOGANTOSH
for your extremely funny entry. Please email me at k.sack@live.com or via Twitter with your address so your prize can be posted out.

And well done to everyone else. May stimulation find you in other ways.


BIG buzzy news....

The gorgeous girls at Love Being Woman are offering a fabulous Be Be as a Mother's Day Giveaway to one very lucky Life&OtherCrises reader. And you don't even need to be a mother to win!!!

Now, many of you will have read here of my fondness for the Be Be, an utterly brilliant personal massager (using 'personal massager' in the sense of, well, 'vibrator').

And now, I have one to give to you.

So I have come up with a competition.

But first, some exclusions:

• This competition is not open to Lana (SharpestPencil) for fear of perceived bias.
• This competition is not open to any of my family members because they don't have sex. Even alone. Especially alone!
• This competition is not open to Marguerite or Rudy because they have one already.
• This competition is not open to any of my parents' friends because if they have sex then my parents do too and that just freaks me out.

Furthermore:

• This competition is open only to those who will use the Be Be with the regularity, reverence and love that it deserves.

AND

• This competition is only open to those who like Nutella. Because if you don't like Nutella, you're weird.

Okay, so, here's how to win:
Tell me in 100 words or less (or more!) what your explanation would be if your child / mother / cleaning lady / real estate agent stumbled across your Be Be.
The best, most creative entry will win the prize.
I am the judge and my decision is FINAL.
I am the judge and my decision is FINAL (sorry, that was so much fun I just had to say it again).
Entries may be submitted as comments below, or to me via email at k.sack@live.com if you prefer to remain anonymous (except, you know, to me.....)
The winner will be announced on FRIDAY 30th APRIL on my blog. Please note that if you haven't provided contact details it is your responsibility to contact me at the above address to claim your brilliant prize.
Good luck, and thank you to Be Be Vibes!