I Very Nearly Lied About My Age

Here's a little anecdote for you:

Back in my mid twenties, after my brief stint as a child star actor, I decided I wanted to give acting another go. This 'decision' lasted for all of six months, but during that time I harboured ambitions of getting into NIDA. I did a pre-NIDA audition course, and was told I'd have a decent chance of getting in.

But there was a problem, my teachers (ex-NIDA students) said. Whilst older men occasionally got into the course, women of my age were considered to be too old.

"So I should give up?" I asked.

"No!" they told me. "Just lie about your age on the paperwork. People do it all the time."

Acting is a hell of a profession. Though it should be about talent - and it largely is, for men - for women it is equally about looks and age.

We know all this. I'm not going to bore you with examples of fifty year old actors playing romantic leads in movies opposite twenty-five year old actresss. I'm not going to bore you with examples of fifty year old actresses playing the mothers of forty year old actors. You've heard the stories. You know them to be true.

You also know that it is absolutely understandable that Rebel Wilson might have wanted to push her age down so as to keep scoring the 'young' parts in Hollywood for as long as possible. Apparently she is actually thirty-five, and not twenty-nine, as she has supposedly claimed. Chances are she would never have got one of the lead roles in Pitch Perfect if she acknowledged her true age. So fantastic. She told a little fib. No-one was hurt. And we all benefited from seeing her brilliant performance.

Would we shame an older women for slicing a few years off her age to get a job in the corporate world? No. We would shake our heads and lament the use-by date placed on women in our culture once they hit forty or fifty (depending on the industry).

Rebel Wilson is a Hollywood actress. Hollywood actresses have been lying about their ages/names/surgical intervention forever. Forever.

And if we're feminists, and we actually care about women, we should be trying to change society and the system instead of shaming individuals who are just trying to work within it.

And who knows - maybe, if I'd done my NIDA audition and been accepted, I'd now be thirty-nine.

Love The Way You Blog - The SONG

Sackville - Moth Hunter. A Video.

Travelling With Chipmunks. Do NOT Try This At Home.

It is fun to travel long distances with children. Also, there is a pig flying past my window. You should see it. It’s purple.

I have recently returned from a two week trip to the United States with my husband and three children. The trip was hours of fun and exhilaration, interspersed with moments of torture, and two days of chipmunk music.

For the first week of the holiday we were accompanied by my parents, in an arrangement that pleased me enormously. Partly, of course, I was happy to spend time with my Mum and Dad. Mainly, however, I was glad they flew with us to Los Angeles, so I could sent four year old Boo to sit with them on the plane when she began flinging herself around in psychotic exhaustion, and throwing her airline meal on the floor*.

After an adventure-filled week in California, my husband and I parted ways with my parents** and journeyed on with the kids to Las Vegas.

On my husband’s suggestion, we hired a car and took the trip by car. It is around a five hour drive from Los Angeles to Las Vegas, or much, much quicker by air, but who the hell would want to take the quick, easy option when you can drive five hours through the desert on the wrong side of the road with three kids in tow? I mean, that would just be silly, right?

Needless to say, I was apprehensive before the drive, until the miraculous discovery of a DVD player and two pull-down screens in our car. Fantastic, I thought. Problem solved!

I borrowed some DVDs from our American friends and popped them into the glove box ready to entertain the kids. It was a flawless plan, but for one tiny flaw. Twenty minutes onto the freeway, we discovered that most of the DVDs were Blue Ray*** and didn’t work in the standard-issue DVD player. In fact, only one DVDs worked: the ear-melting classic ‘Alvin And The Chipmunks 2 - The Squeaquel’.

So, for the entire five hour drive there, and then the entire five hour drive back, I was subjected to the excruciating sound of the Chipmunks singing Beyonce songs in falsetto, as I reminded my husband to stay on the right side of the six lane highway and not veer into oncoming traffic. Until three or four hours into the Chipmunks, at which point veering into oncoming traffic seemed highly desirable.

Still, we survived the journey, and I am sure that I will be able to get the sound of the Chipmunks out of my head eventually. After all, it’s only been a week, and, you know, if you like it then you should have put a ring on it, oh oh oh.... Ooops. Sorry. Just lapsed into song again.

Anyhow, the moral of this story is threefold. Firstly, don’t travel anywhere without grandparents. Secondly, don’t travel anywhere with children. Thirdly, Blue Ray technology is a crime. And fourthly, I know I can’t count, but I’m still traumatised from our journey.

And if you like it then you should have put a ring on it, oh oh oh.

*an act of tremendous selflessness, as I am aware that every hour with my child is a precious gift to my parents.

**which, incidentally, was planned, and not a response to them being burdened with a psychotically exhausted four year old.

***which sounds exciting and modern, but is clearly useless and stupid

Rapture Fail

So Saturday was supposed to be the Rapture. Hundreds of millions of believers were meant to ascend to heaven, naked and flapping their arms*. I didn't believe for a minute that the Rapture would take place, just like I never for a moment believed that the Y2K Bug would wipe out the world as we knew it**. Still, it did give me pause for thought.

How would you react if the Rapture actually happened? I mean, imagine walking outside and seeing dozens of your neighbours floating skywards in the nude.*** How would you feel? What would you do?

So far the only reactions I've experienced to truly fantastical events are on TV or in the movies, and, quite frankly, I don't buy them for a second. Whenever something mind-blowingly bizarre happens - a spaceship lands, a boy discovers he's a wizard, an alien turns up in a picnic basket - the heroes express disbelief for about 30 seconds, then accept the situation and move on. It's preposterous.

"Wow, an alien!" the lead character will cry, then shake his head with wonder, then help him back to his spaceship without a second thought. Or "We're flying!" a first-time witch will exclaim, then start to practice her technique as if she's just discovered a fabulous new cleasing bar with which to wash her face.

Yup. I don't think so. If I discovered an alien in my closet, I would close my eyes and block my ears and rock silently in a corner, convinced I was becoming psychotic and that I would spend the rest of my days in a locked room wrapped in a white dressing gown with very long arms. My brain is not geared to handle bizarre sights. I'm still freaked out by the TV show I saw about conjoined twins, and that was five years ago. An alien would utterly destroy my mind.

As for flying, well, as I would love to fly, actually put me up there in the sky and I would scream and vomit and quite probably faint with fear, which would not be at all good for aerodynamics. I get nervous on aeroplanes and they are real machines, with safety features and everything. There's no way you're getting me to trust just my wimpy little arms.

Now if the Rapture was to happen in the movies, it would go something like this:

People start floating skywards, never to be seen again. Our hero looks amazed for a count of three, after which he goes in search of his estranged wife, who he's suddenly decided he still loves. He finds her (not ascended, clearly they were both very naughty) after dodging some nasty natural disasters. They kiss passionately, and live happily ever after.

If the Rapture was to happen in my world, it would go something like this:

People start floating skywards, never to be seen again. Kerri looks out the window, screams, falls to the floor, and starts clutching her head crying 'It's a dream! It's a dream!' The Architect runs in the room and commands 'Help me find the rabbit!'**** He pulls Kerri to her feet. She runs around in circles howling wildly, before banging into a door and falling unconscious to the floor. The Architect revives her, she screams and faints, he revives her again, she faints again, and so on, until eventually he just leaves her on the floor and starts a new life with the rabbit.

Or something like that.

So what about you? How would you react to the Rapture? Do you think it would be like in the movies? Would you be freaked out by superpowers? Most importantly, do you want to fly???

*Okay, so I may have made up the flapping bit.
**(though I did, ahem, stock up on extra water just to be safe....)
***Or floating skywards yourself, though that seems a remote possibility for me...
****There's no WAY he'd ascend, the evil little bunny

Wives Talk

Here is another video I made for your viewing pleasure. It's two wives talking about their sex lives. (Well, what else would I make a video about?)

It's been up on YouTube for a little while so excuse me if you've seen it, but if you haven't, go ahead. Go on! You'll laugh out loud, I promise. Of course, the acting is a little weak and the set a tad bland, but the script is outstanding and there is a clever twist ending. Sadly, the husband in his underpants doesn't appear, but he is alluded to.

The video is called 'Wives Talk'. It is not the most creative of my titles, but hey, it's accurate.

The Confrontation....

If you haven't yet, watch the first vids in the series (see previous posts below), and then rejoice as Hubby Gets A Penis!!!

Please Darling, May I Have A Shirt?

A Conversation......

Sex Movie 2: 'The Climax'

Sex Movie 1