July 9, 2013

My Amazing Discovery, Or, How To End War

I have made an amazing discovery about human relationships. And it will change your life. Truly. Every parent needs to know this. Every married person needs to know this. Every boss needs to know this.

Hell, every person in the universe needs to know this.

It is the secret to interpersonal harmony.

I made this discovery yesterday, when two of the kids were running around the house in their animal onesies. My elder daughter was out, but the five year old was dressed as a pink and white unicorn, and her fourteen year old brother was a dashing striped zebra*.

That is not me. But it is my onesie.
 
I, too, was dressed in a onesie. I was a black and pink pig, with a nice round snout, a bum zip for convenience, and a lovely long tail. I may have looked slightly demented**, but I was comfortable as anything.

And then, after a couple of hours, I made my incredible discovery. I realised there had been not one cross word that evening. Not. Even. One.

Now, my kids generally get along pretty well. However, the eldest and the youngest do annoy each other quite frequently. Either the little one bugs her brother, or he wants more personal space, or she gets upset because he's not doing what she asked.

Last night, however, it was absolutely harmonious.

Could it have been the onesies?

Well, tonight I tried it again. We all put on our animal suits. And the result? Beautiful, perfect calm. It is a miracle. And it works.

Try it and you will see. It is impossible to engage in conflict with someone who is wearing an animal onesie. You can't argue with someone who is dressed like a bunny. You can't even speak harshly to a person wearing ears and a tail.

If every family member wore animal onesies every day, there would be no more fighting. If people went to work dressed as bears and piggies and unicorns, productivity would skyrocket. If politicians dressed for Question Time as bunnies and hippos and elephants, our budget would be in surplus.

If everyone in the world wore animal onesies, there would be an end to war.

So please, go out and buy an animal onesie, and wear it EVERYDAY. The future of the humanity depends on you.

And besides, you're going to look as cute as a button.

*Well, all zebras are striped, so perhaps that was tautological.
**Okay, very very demented

32 comments:

  1. If you start an Animal-Onesie based religion, I will renounce my Atheism and become your disciple, oh wise one...

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  2. Benita (Missbenben)July 9, 2013 at 7:15 PM

    My house is already a zoo so at least we'd look the part.....

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  3. Hahaha! I am so going to be an acolyte in this onesie-wearing utopia...

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  4. Aren't there people who dress up as 'furries'? I saw an episode of SVCU about it. Sounds a bit similar!

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  5. Now I have a mental image of Question Time with all the pollies in onsies. Yep, it's definitely an improvement.

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  6. Now this is the kind of logic we need more of! Unfortunately, it only seems to embed once you've completely gone off your rocker with everything you have/are going through, so would-be embracers usually fob it off as dementedness. Can you tell we're leading almost parallel lives???! It's summer here, so will put in a pre-order and let you know the result in a few months...

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  7. I'm not convinced they would improve THAT particular activity.....

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  8. Have you told the Pentagon about this??

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  9. I would, but I'm in fear if I have a sudden, uncontrollable urge to go to the bathroom. And, also, does that mean that my two four-legged furry rascals have to get human onsies? Actually, I sometimes believe they are humans in disguise, those two!

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  10. where might one buy such onesies? I certainly need to dress as some sort of unicorn if that is available.

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  11. Rushing out to get my onesie right now!! Lol

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  12. I raised my eyebrows at the Pikachu onesie in the shops yesterday, foolishly not realising it represents world peace. And tomorrow? I'll mentally dress each person in an interview in animal onesies, and the nerves? Will be gone! Kerri- life guru. I salute you.

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  13. I sent this post to my teenage daughter and her reply was "I know what I'll be wearing next time I've done something wrong! You just can't get someone in trouble of they are a panda!!"

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  14. Whoever invented onesies should be taken down, by all red blooded men of a heterosexual bent....Thank God, for YouPorn..... :-D

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  15. I bought a onesie for my husband for his birthday in the hope that he'd get the hint and buy me one for my birthday which was yesterday. He didn't! I have since pointed him in the direction of this blog post, arguing that I should also have a onesie, for the sake of marriage equality and maritial harmony. Onesie-ful!

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  16. I hope he gets the point. FINALLY. And happy birthday for yesterday!!!! xx

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  17. There is Furry Porn out there you know Fendi...

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  18. YES!!!! Brilliant idea!!! (Also, the Pikachu onesie is the BEST!)

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  19. They are everywhere! But look online. Cheaper there.

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  20. They have a bum zip! Very convenient...

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  21. I have sent them a link to this post.

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  22. That is is I am getting onesies! I need to get some with feet though - snuggley feet :)

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