July 18, 2013

Last Night. It ALL Happened.

It's been a tough year. I'm doing well, but it's not easy being a single parent. I'm tired a lot of the time. I'm lonely some of the time. And I have needs. And not just for a cleaner or maid or personal chef (though I seriously could use one of those).

I have needs. Other kinds of needs.

Well, last night marked a turning point for me.

Some of those needs were met for the first time.

It started with a phone call. My friend Mike telephoned the United States, and asked if I was free to take someone out for drinks.

"Why would I take them out?" I asked, "when I can drink at home perfectly well?"

"Bring him home then," he said. "I'm sure he won't mind. He just wants a bit of company while he's in town."

"Who is he?" I asked, and wondered whether I needed to change out of my Uggs.

"He's an actor. He's Australian, but he's lived in LA for a while now. You actually met him briefly when you were here last. I'm not sure if you remember, but you liked him a lot."

I thought for a moment. I was pretty shattered. I'd had a long, hard day, blogging and doing laundry and trying to get Penny the cat to take her worm pill. But then I figured: I've been a bit of a hermit lately, so I should probably make an effort.

I called Gab the Wonder Babysitter, changed from my Uggs into boots, and whacked on some lippy. For a minute I considered changing from my tracksuit pants into jeans, but I didn't know the guy, and it seemed like a lot of effort.

"What's his name?" I asked Mike.

"Soren," he said, but the line was a bit crackly.

Not very Aussie, I thought. He must be Swedish.

I drove in to the city to where Soren was staying in a hotel, and parked my car in the parking lot. The rates were exorbitant, and I worried a little. I really can't afford $80 for parking right now. Most websites only pay about $50 per blog post. But I couldn't cancel at the last moment. And besides, I didn't have Soren's number.

I walked into the lobby and checked my face briefly in the mirror. I looked okay. My hair was clean, there was no food on my top, and I didn't have lipstick on my teeth. I had the winning trifecta.

I was nervous, because I hadn't been out in so long, and also because I realised I hadn't washed my trakky pants in about a month. But I proceeded to the bar, because a promise is a promise.

The bar was empty, but for a blonde guy drinking beer. He was gently tapping his credit card on the counter. I noticed that it was from ANZ.

"Soren?" I asked. He had nice thick hair. Most Swedish men do.

He turned around. "Simon," he said, and leaned in to give me a kiss. "Don't you remember?"

It took me a second to place him, and then suddenly it hit me. "Simon! Of course! Simon Baker! How are you?"

He took me in his arms. "Let's skip the small talk, shall we?" he murmured into my ear. "I've been waiting for this for a long, long time. Shall we go straight up to my room?"

I started to agree and then remembered that I hadn't shaved my legs in six months.

"I... I..."

Simon placed a finger on my lips.

"No excuses. Just love."

He picked me up, carried me to the lift, and then up to the Penthouse where he gently undressed me. The last thing I remember before the waves of bliss rolled over me was the look of delight as he pulled down my trakky pants.

"Hairy legs! Oh yes! My favourite!"

It was, indeed, a night to remember.

Disclaimer: This post is entirely fictional. But fun, huh?


  1. Err, what happened to the rest of the post? Surely this was about to get all "Penthouse Forum"!!


  2. You'll have to tune in next week, JJ x

  3. Oh you cow, you had me sucked right in, hahaha. God I'm so gullible!

  4. Such fun! You had me hook, line and sinker! I'm so gullible! I can't wait for the sequel! Who doesn't love a man who loves hairy legs?!

  5. Bahahahahaha!

  6. Made my day. Hell, made my week. Love to you Trakky Daks Baker xxx

  7. Oh god... and you wore tracky dacks??? lol

  8. Lots of fun, but I knew it was fiction the moment your friend said "He's actually an actor. He's Australian, but he's lived in LA for a while now." and YOU DIDN'T GO IMMEDIATELY WEAK AT THE KNEES. Nice try Kerri, but I'm sure even if the friend had just said "He's Australian" you would have immediately thought of Simon Baker. Or maybe just the word "He . . ." ;)

  9. Bwahahaaaaa! *smack*
    Had me going there!

  10. You got me all excited! I knew as soon as you said he was an actor. Oh, OK Kerri's having a little sex dream! Hope you enjoyed yourself and your dreams come true.

  11. Oh yes, I know this fantasy well ... except in mine it is Channing Tatum aaaaah xx

  12. Kerri, I can understand Simon's lust. Trakky pants and Uggs are so erotic, especially if you keep the Uggs on.....Curlers, would really complete the picture....

  13. I can not stop laughing - "the waves of bliss rolled over me". I'd pay $50 for this blog post, oh fuck it I'd pay your entire parking lot fee. x

  14. I think someone needs a sex toy...

  15. Jo @BabbleOnCityJuly 18, 2013 at 6:39 PM

    As I was reading ... all I kept thinking (as a previous long-term, 'unlucky' single mum) was, "She wore TRACKIES, and she DIDN'T have a SHOWER before she went out? Ermagherddd!!!"
    Too funny. Biggest laugh I've had all day. Thank you ... jx

  16. Very, very entertaining, you minx! (strongly suggest you turn your hand to writing romance, you have a distinct flair for it :)

  17. Love it. xxx

  18. I think this lovely lady writer has an erotic novel in there trying to come out :)

  19. Oh too funny! Where is Simon Baker when you God Damn need him????

  20. Seriously - you crack me up!!! You still got it girl!!

  21. Holy shit, I was reading this and thinking "Kerri, please be kidding about the trackie pants, please!"

  22. HAHA! You got me on this post. I was inching into my computer screen. Thanks for the great read!!

  23. Oh my!! I was really believing the story for a minute!

  24. You're obviously a great writer because you had me.....until he said his name.


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