March 1, 2013

It's All Okay

Life is hard. I've known that for a while, but sometimes the fact of life's hardness slaps me in the face and grabs me by the hair and twists me around and throws me against the wall.

Life is hard. Parenting is hard and relationships are fraught and friends can disappoint and loved ones can get sick and people die and there is no smooth path to eternity.
Life is hard. The past couple of weeks have been especially hard for me. Actually, the past couple of months have been especially hard for me. Hell, the past couple of years have been especially hard for me. There has been great joy, beautiful moments, lots of love and lots of laughter. But interspersed with the joy and the beauty and the laughter has been confusion and complication and worry and grief. My mind has felt messy, and my life has felt messy. I have made choices that I've regretted, and choices that I've regretted not making sooner. I have struggled to make sense of it all, and wondered how I'm going to proceed in the future.

I have always been flooded with amazing support. I have people who love me and care for me and boost me up when times are rough. I have people who empathise and sympathise and offer practical help. And I cherish all of them. I feel lucky and grateful.

But today someone gave me something no-one else had. I was pouring out my soul to her and she listened for a long time. I told her about my mistakes and my anxieties and my fears and my regrets, and she shared some of hers, and we laughed and we understood.

Then she said, "That's okay. It's all okay."

And I believed her. It is okay. It's all okay. I'll muddle through, as I've always muddled through, and so will you. Life is hard and it's messy and it can be complicated and sad. But that's okay. It's all okay.

That's how it's supposed to be.


22 comments:

  1. So true. One foot in front of the other.

    Mwahs.

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  2. Sending love. And support. And Nutella. Of course.

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  3. i know it shld be a simple obvious thing but i was stuck recently in the waiting for the blissfull pinnacle of life rut before i shook myself in the reality of 'this is ok. this life....derrrrr' : So it was lovely to read your eloquant post and get it.

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  4. The first thing I thought was "oh god they stuffed up your ears" :)


    Kerri I'm a big believer in the theory that okay IS okay, that everyone's level of okayness is different, and even our own personal okay goalposts shift over the years. If you'd told me 10 years ago what the universe was going to hurl at me these past 3 years, I'd have shrunk into a cave and never come out. But I lived through it, and I am okay. After a shocking couple of years, I gave myself permission to grieve, to feel lousy, to ache, to mourn and to come out of it all in my own time. It was only after I did this, that I realised that it was OKAY to feel lousy. It was okay to be depressed. It was okay to have bad days. Because if it wasn't okay with me, I would feel guilty about not being okay, and believe me, guilt is the worst emotion of all, and it's a pointless emotion at that.


    Glad you're okay :)

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  5. Beautiful comment. Thank you. I shall read and re-read x

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  6. You have already. (Well, not the Nutella. But there's time.) x

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  7. Sending love. All your choices, good and bad, got you to this point. Which is the right place right now. xxxxxx

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  8. Next time we catch up we should just go to a Nutella cafe and never leave. Nutella and gin. Then all will be well in the world. *hugs*

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  9. You are always OK to me. More than OK. You do you better than anyone else in the whole world. Love you. xxxx

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  10. There are periods of life that you look back on and wonder how you got through them. I think one of the things you have to accept about life is that whenever you think it's all hunky dory, something will always happen to upset the apple cart and you have to struggle to find your balance again. It does get easier as you get older because you become more realistic and therefore more philosophical. You don't have to perform well all the time either. And sometimes our sense of humour just disappears and we can't laugh about it any more. Hang on in there - you'll make it, especially with those new ears which seem to have been a pain all round!

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  11. Must be something like a virus going around atm - I'm hearing several people talking about feeling low (Mrs Woog and Edenland plus two actual girlfriends I know irl) and I've been masking my own deep sadness over the past couple of weeks trying to be chirpy in front of others. It fuckin' sucks. I want to believe it's all OK, as you say. I really really want to believe it. Don't know if believing it will make it so, though.

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  12. Okay is good. As are you. xxxxxx

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  13. I swear it is viral at the moment. Love you chicken xx

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  14. I found myself nodding whilst reading this. To me, a 'nod' also means 'okay'. Life *is* hard and some days it can be an effort just pretending that you're prepared to get out of bed without crying or seeing even your beloved family members as nothing other than items on a dreaded 'to do' list. Other days you'll cry at being able to see something innocent and beautiful; it's a mish mash. As you say, however, it's all ok. Thank you for sharing.

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  15. Kelley @ magnetoboldtooMarch 2, 2013 at 12:33 PM

    Sometimes people say the right thing, just as you need it. A friend, a colleague, a random blog reader sending you some kind words when all you normally get is snark.

    It is okay. More than you will ever know.

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  16. Hope you remain okay :)

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  17. Kerri, when you're old and decrepit, you'll sit back and go over your life, and you'll find that it really WAS okay..... :-)

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  18. BB, wonderful sentiment. You're definitely okay. :-)

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  19. Kerri - I know you posted this a few days ago, but this is the third blog post I've read today with the basic message that it's OK not to be OKAY, that sometimes we need to sit with our pain for a while, befriend our emotions, that negative thoughts (worry, guilt etc) don't mean we are bad - a great line from one post 'I don't feel bad, my mind does' - we are separate from the stuff that happens to us, and that 'this too wil pass'. Come to think about it, I wrote something a little along these lines on my yinyangmother blog last week too! The message sure must be making itself felt! I hope this doesn't sound trite, and that you will be OK - it sounds like you have some great friends to see you through. (So not chin up, but ears back, he,he, and tissues out when you need them).

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