January 6, 2013

No Title Will Do This Justice

This morning I woke up in my own bed in Sydney and wept with relief. I may also have been weeping a little from tiredness, as even my delicious ten hour sleep did not compensate for the full-body exhaustion of our trip to Surfers Paradise.

And then I got out of bed and stepped on my bathroom scales and wept for real, because I realised that the energy value of hot chips and ice cream every day for eight days is, weirdly, not offset by the energy burned by the terror induced from freakishly sicko rollercoasters.

Who could have predicted that.

Of course, I knew what I was getting into when I signed up for a trip to Surfers Paradise with three children in the Christmas holidays. But then, I 'knew what I was getting into' when I had a baby, right? NO! WRONG! DON'T BE RIDICULOUS! One never knows what one is getting into!!! It was all a horrible, HORRIBLE mistake! (The trip to Surfers, that is. Not having children. Mostly, anyway.)

A Water World Ride.
 (Family shown not blogger's own (because much better looking than blogger's family (and considerably older too))).

We decided to go to Surfers this year for three important reasons.

1. We thought the kids would really enjoy the theme parks

2. We found really cheap flights on the internet

3. We got to stay in my grandparents' apartment which was FREE.

4. Did I mention the accommodation was FREE?

5. There is a lot of ice cream in Surfers Paradise.

6. I like ice cream.

There is so much to say about our week in Surfers Paradise that I couldn't possibly reduce it to one blog post. And besides, I've been awake for an hour already, and I need to go back to bed. It's going to take me DAYS to get my strength back. As for the kids, they are lying around the house, weak and listless and pale as ghosts (except that they're actually really tanned, because... you know... we've been in the sun for a week).

But to keep you going until my next blog post (which will come when I can write about the holiday without my chest constricting as I have hideous flashbacks to my monstrous ride on Arkham Asylum), here are some choice highlights:

1. Surfers Paradise is Tattoo Central. I mean, really. If you don't have a giant tattoo of an Eternal-Life symbol embodied in an 'arty' theme all over your shoulder, then you have a tattoo of a massive angel / butterfly / cross / something-that-looks-exactly-like-the-one-your-mate-has all over your back, and if you don't have them, then you have your kids' / lover's / mother's / Brotherhood's names in humungous giant font all over your arms. It's like a uniform. My husband amused himself in the lines for the theme park rides by playing 'I can't take a breath until I see a tattoo' and he never once died.
THAT's how many there were.

2. The theme parks are insanely expensive. Oh, it doesn't cost that much to get in, but once you're through the gates the food / fast passes / drinks / souvenir fans / basically everything you don't wish to shlep with you in your backpack getting hot and heavy for eight hours as you walk around a fun park is LAUGHABLY dear. I mean, $6.00 for a single scoop of ice cream? That melts before you can eat it? I SCOFF IN YOUR FACE, SEA WORLD (after, you know, buying the ice cream and all).

3. The theme parks during the Christmas holidays are feral. FERAL I SAY. Packed to the brim with feral families pushing their feral kids into lines, yelling 'GO Shareen! Run to the front!' and 'Jethro, if you kick me one more time I'm gonna fucking smash ya!', and  ramming into people with their feral strollers full of feral babies drinking Fanta. It was about as relaxing as spending a week in hell. Which it actually was.

4. Arkham Asylum is a sick fuck of a ride and should never have been built. But that's for another blog post.

31 comments:

  1. Well I have to agree - going to a theme park (any theme park) during Christmas time is the definition of insanity. (I won't tell you how many times I've done it. But my wife is retired now so NO MORE!)

    But what REALLY shocked me was YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR FAST PASSES? You really need to visit The Mouse. They're free!

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  2. Hahahhahaha - sounds like we had the same holiday (except we went to Dreamworld....)

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  3. But the accomodation was free......lol

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  4. Oh Kerri, I can't believe you went on the Arkham Asylum when I warned you off the Scooby Doo ride!! The tatts were the thing I noticed the most; we felt weird because we didn't have them. The whole theme parks thing is something you do just once. Just once. I had to go on a retreat in Byron after it just to recover.

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  5. Heee Heee ... Queensland: beautiful one day, feral attracting the next x

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  6. See the pain that comes with attempting to be Parents of the Year ;)

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  7. I have a sinking suspicion that we may be one of those feral families you mention. The last time we went to Sea World a couple of years ago, I somehow managed to drop my mobile into the shark tank (it fell out of my bag, as I was leaning over to get a better view). Then my husband and oldest son went into the glass viewing area and people were commenting in disgust that somebody had thrown a mobile in there. My son helpfully exclaimed "That's my Mum's!" We made a very hasty exit.
    Hope you have recovered. x

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  8. I just fell deeply on love with you because of that last line.

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  9. I did have a chair and a glass of wine (in the airconditioning) reserved for you 40 minutes up the road ... but, you would have missed seeing the joy on the faces of your offspring, not to mention the sick f**k of a ride!!

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  10. We have made 3 trips to the same theme parks and thoroughly enjoyed them! The secret was we NEVER went in school holidays!! It sounds like a nightmare and we were well aware of long waits for rides so we went when all the little terrors were still in school!
    Neve waited more than say 20 mins for a ride (not that I went on anything but the merrygoround) kids had a ball & we stayed at a resort with a fantastic kids club so the kids could go to a morning or afternoon/evening session while we had some childfree time!
    Hope you enjoyed something while you were up there but it does sound like something from a nightmare when ferals & large crowds are involved!

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  11. I know. Turns out that was SMALL COMPENSATION

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  12. The Scooby Doo ride was closed!!! And my husband FORCED me on AA because he is EVIL

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  13. I KNOW. Never again, Nikki. NEVER AGAIN.

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  14. PMSL. That, my friend, is an EXCELLENT story.

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  15. Yeah, because YOU WEREN'T THERE!!! x

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  16. I grew up just down the road from Surfers Paradise. Have I mentioned we're about to go on our family holiday...to the Margaret River? Way over on the other side of the country? *nods knowingly*

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  17. Oh Kerri Kerri Kerri...all you had to do was ask and I would have told you to never NEVER go to Gold Coast theme parks during school holidays....especially CHRISTMAS holidays!

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  18. You are a smarter woman than I, Ms Lintern.

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  19. LOL - sorry to laugh but if I had of known you were going to be here I would have offered you a lounger in the sun with no crowds, a great water feature, drinks in an esky and a massage or reflexology treatment !!!!

    We have lived here 13 years and went to the theme parks in our first 2 years and have never been back !!!! Feral families is definitely the way to describe what happens there. K is a life guard at W'nW and I can't believe some of the stories she tells us when she gets home from work !!!

    At least you had free accommodation - so there was an up-side (sort of !!!!)

    Hope you recover soon - enjoy what is left of the school holidays !!!

    Me

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  20. Surfer's Paradise is enough to make the strongest weep and weak! I live up the hill, only a little drive from the Gold Coast...in the hinterland...and never do I venture off my mountain greenery...I have no desire to do so! I don't mind being a hillbilly in the least!

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  21. Kerri Sackville - you really are funny! Now take it from one with teenagers! Next time, get your family to a perfect beach. With a kids club. That's what makes the beach perfect. And then read. And read. And read. Theme parks are probably illegal in highly evolved places like Sweden.

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  22. Kathy www.yinyangmother.comJanuary 7, 2013 at 4:09 PM

    Hi Kerrie - I appreciate your hell, but as a Gold Coaster have to leap to some sort of defence - not of Surfers Paradise (although you must admit the foreshore is really quite nice these days), not of the theme parks (although the aquarium and polar bear enclosures at Seaworld are kinda cool), not of the tatts (although I definately don't have any) but of all the things you missed out on that ARE here. Beautiful mountains in the hinderland, boating on the Broadwater, cool arty cafes in Burleigh...and so on. Oh but you were stuck with the kids and the ferals at the theme parks (funny but most ferals come TO the Gold Coast not FROM the Gold Coast) and I have to admit the beautiful beaches are a bit too crowded this time of year. Having done your duty to the kids, wishing you happier holidays next year!

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  23. I may never recover!!!! Can I still have my massage?

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  24. Next time that's EXACTLY what we are doing. Possibly in Sweden. x

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  25. You are SO right, and the beaches ARE gorgeous, and in fact I even went to one very cool little cafe (Lola's), but sadly we were stuck in Feral Town, which is not representative of your part of the world at all. x

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  26. Of course - any time you are back on the Coast !!!!

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