January 7, 2013

Home. Vodka. Home.

Yesterday was our first full day at home since returning from hell Surfers Paradise. I was looking forward to a relaxing day after the trauma of the recent week.

I was sadly disappointed.

Here is a breakdown of my schedule yesterday. There is a thousand dollar gift voucher for anyone who can pick the moments of 'relaxing' that I actually achieved in the day.


7am - Wake to the sounds of Spongebob Squarepants. Feed & water children, put on 17 billion loads of laundry, unpack suitcases, regard pile of clean laundry to be folded and put away, sit in corner weeping for several minutes.

10am - Book tickets on the internet for son and husband to see The Hobbit at 12.20am. Sweep up rabbit poo and clean the fish tank. Weep for another couple of minutes when I realise a piece of poo has fallen down my tracksuit pants.

11am - Go with husband and 5 year old to visit a friend who is on weekend leave from hospital. Scream in horror at 12am when I realise that the movie starts in twenty minutes and husband and son are not there.

12am - Drive extremely fast safely back home with husband and 5 year old (and, inexplicably, friend's 8 year old daughter) to pick up son. Drive son and husband to movies. Get there only two minutes late. Drive home in cold sweat. Sit in corner weeping for several minutes. Supervise 3 little girls in the pool whilst the pile of laundry grows like the magic fucking pudding.

3pm - Go to pick up husband and son. Stop to pick up house keys from kind friends who were bunny sitting in our absence. Drive back home with husband and son (and, inexplicably, friend's 5 year old daughter). Arrive home. Husband announces he is going to work for a few hours, leaving me alone with five children and a now dangerously teetering mountain of laundry. Sit in corner weeping for several minutes.

4pm - Realise I am out of some vital supplies such as alcohol, milk, bread, medication, alcohol, fruit, bunny food, and alcohol. Further realise with growing horror that I am trapped in the house with five children. Further realise with tears of fear in my eyes that I will need to take at least two of the children with me to the shops.

5.30pm - Arrive home from Westfield with several bags of shopping, two five year olds high on sugar, and the loss of at least eight years off my life after chasing said five year olds around the supermarket for an hour. Throw some sushi at the kids (who, like the laundry, seem to be multiplying like the magic fucking pudding) and crack open the vodka.

6.30pm - Husband arrives home and enquires politely about dinner. I respond, less politely, and have another vodka.

7pm - I can't remember because VODKA.

8pm - Um... Vodka?

25 comments:

  1. This post had me in stitches! Thank god for vodka.

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  2. All hail the Vodka gods ... helping mothers across the land survive the school holidays.

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  3. I think the only time you had any relaxation is when you hit yourself over the head with the Vodka bottle! I would've done similar! ;)

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  4. I need to go have a bit of a lie down after that!

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  5. Gawd. .. Vodka indeed :). Sadly I thought your day was reminiscent of an ordinary day at my place .. Minus a 5 year old or two.

    Hope today is less intense for you

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  6. Thank goodness for vodka! I normally worship gin, but I am sure vodka works just as well. x

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  7. Ye gads. My return from holidays was similar but included rain on the washing mountain on the line. But frankly, when it is going to be 40 the next day, who gives a flying "intimate caress".

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  8. LOVE your posts. Hopefully you know that. Am childless and husbandless so cannot relate but would anything you wrote.

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  9. So glad! (that it had you in stiches, and that I had vodka) x

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  10. But... but... I WANT TO LIE DOWN!!!

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  11. Interestingly, I usually worship gin too, but I reached into the fridge, and happened to pull out the vodka... and the rest is.. (actually, I can't remember the rest)

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  12. HA! You are hilarious. And if you every want to experience the parenthood / marriage thing, PLEASE, take one of mine!! Or all of them! (Wine included with every purchase)

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  13. Lisa @ Giving Back GirlJanuary 7, 2013 at 8:09 PM

    I think I just lived your day - how uncanny. Except mine involved 7 boys, 3 were mine, a bloody head wound incurred in a pool to one of my kids, $30 worth of pies and sausage rolls for lunch, an early arrival home from my husband who decided now was the perfect time to go through all our receipts and tax stuff that had been filed carefully by me into one mother of all piles of randomness, he then started to ask me why I'd let into grow like this over the last 12 months and walked away sighing (and shaking his head in disappointment). But i can't even resort to vodka because I said to my husband, I think I need to lose weight and he doesn't correct me now. So I'll have another glass of water instead.

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  14. Haha loved this post. I remember you from Mamamia but just found your blog.


    Childless here but this was hilarious. Scared me off kids for another year or so at least.

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  15. OH yes. I said to my husband 'I didn't gain that much weight on the holiday' and he said 'If you say so' #diehusbanddie

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  16. Hub and I got home from holidays late Sunday night. One of us had to get up at 5:30 the next day to take son to a kayak competition at the other end of the state. I lost that battle, but I did get back last night to all the bags unpacked, the washing done, the fridge restocked and dinner cooked.

    I am not sure why I am posting this except I am so smug I can't bring myself to stop. ;)

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  17. bodyandfeetretreatJanuary 8, 2013 at 9:14 AM

    Sometimes when I think my day isn't all that great, I get to read a post from you and realise that actually my day isn't that bad after all !!!!!
    Hope it gets better, that the children go back to where they came from, the vodka bottle is never ending and hubby prepares dinner for you for a week !
    Have the best day !
    Me

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  18. Kathy www.yinyangmother.comJanuary 8, 2013 at 7:36 PM

    Hi Kerri - I appreciate your day from hell (as opposed to holiday in hell) but I'm betting that you had a cup of tea/and or coffee at some point between 7 and 10am? And does the vodka obliteration (perhaps a strong word) count for relaxation? I so understand the need for a quite day at home, just you and the post-holiday laundry, but you did off-load hubby and son for at least the length of the Hobbit (which I understand is quite a long movie, equivalent to at least a couple of loads of washing). I also note that according to your timeline it was in fact midnight (ie 12am) that you dropped off said son and hubby to cinema meaning that perhaps you got some sleep and were dreamy when you posted, or else its the vodka talking. Regardless, you are welcome to come back to the Gold Coast where I worked the last three days of last week while everyone else (seemingly) played. Funny post.

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  19. LOL. I'm so glad my misfortune cheers you up!!! x

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  20. I did have a cup of coffee, with a 5yo hanging off me. And yes, I offloaded my hubby and son, but I still had 3 little girls at home! It was 12pm however, not am, which just shows how addled my brain was!!! x

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  21. 12am is midnight - 12pm is midday. A big day either way though! xx

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