October 22, 2012

He Has Rules. Why Can't I?

Today I read a fascinating article about Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Michael Jeffries, and the rules his staff must follow. They are, for example, required to wear A&F boxer shorts (just the men, I expect; it would create a visible panty line for the ladies) and use the words 'No problem' when taking orders.

Well, I feel I have come far enough in my career as a Busy Working Mum to subject my own staff to bizarre and pointless rules. Unfortunately, I don't have any staff, except for Gab the Wonder Babysitter, who actually bosses me around.

But this will not deter me, because I will surely have staff one day, and it is better to sort these things out early.

So here they are: my Ten Rules for Dealing With Kerri Sackville, CEO of Nothing In Particular.
  1. When greeting me, the salutation "Hi Kerri, have you had a facelift? You look amazing!" should be used. This may occasionally be alternated with "Wow, have you lost weight?" or "You are positively glowing today!"
  2. On parting, the words "Thank you for being you," should be used. Just because.
  3. There must be a constant supply of Nutella handy at all times.
  4. There is to be no white chocolate in my presence at any time. White chocolate is not real chocolate, and it's very existence as a form of confectionery offends me.
  5. Children should be presented to me only when clean, fed, in a cheery disposition, and having had completed their homework.
  6. All iPhones should be switched onto silent or set to an acceptable ring tone: In Da Club by 50 Cent, Night Fever by the Bee Gees, or Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths. Obviously.
  7. A bed must be available to me between 1pm and 3pm every afternoon, wherever I am. There will be absolute silence at this time and I am not to be disturbed under any circumstances. Unless Simon Baker calls, in which case put him right through. 
  8. All calls from The Architect are to be vetted. If he is calling to tell me he will be late home, or to discuss finances, or to arrange a dinner with other architects, he is to be told I am unavailable. If he is calling with messages of love, or to disclose a recent financial windfall, he may be put through.
  9. I require five minutes of shoulder massage per hour of working, plus one hour of full body massage from six till seven pm whilst the staff prepare dinner.
  10. I am Off Duty from 10pm at night. All enquiries after this time are to be directed to The Architect. Oh, and Architect, this applies to you too. If you haven't submitted all of your 'enquiries' to me by this time, they can wait until tomorrow. 
Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.

Kerri

21 comments:

  1. Firstly, are they doing random underwear searches to check the brand of the no-so-tighty whities? Other than that, I think your rules are perfectly reasonable and should be adopted by all.

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  2. Thank you. I agree. And don't you think I've had a facelift?

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  3. I feel the need to print these out and brandish them at people.

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  4. TOTALLY with you on the white chocolate. It is the food of Satan.

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  5. Firstly, you look amazing! I totally agree with your list (esp. the white chocolate and the massages). Thank you for being you :)

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  6. YES! White "chocolate" is dire and unacceptable. It shouldn't even be classified a food.

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  7. Agree. It is just cocoa butter mess.

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  8. Hi Kerri, have you had a facelift? Incredible list, I'm putting it up on the fridge tonight and adding, if the garbage is overflowing, put it out. If I have locked the bathroom door, refrain from holding discussions with me through said door, and under no circumstance are children/teenagers to get a screwdriver to unlock said door to discuss why their sibling looked at the the wrong way!
    Thank you for being you!

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  9. You are positively glowing today. Well, in that photo you are..not sure if that was today. Hang on, I'm not getting the hang of these rules am I? I'm supposed to say it, regardless, right. Looks like I'll never work for Kerri Inc. Sigh. Oh well, thanks for being you.
    PS. Agree about white chocolate

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  10. Hey, you've got the white chocolate part down pat. That's an excellent start.

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  11. Yes Boss.
    Anything you say Boss.
    At once Boss.
    You look amazing today Boss.

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  12. Fabulous rules Kerrie - esp. about white chocolate ... although pardon my ignorance but is Nutella that pure? I love it on my crepes (our Saturday breakie) but ... I don't know if its contents is that real either? :-)

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  13. No, but Nutella is not chocolate. It's a SPREAD *coughs*

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  14. All those rules seem fair enough to me. I particularly concur regarding Simon Baker!!! He's eye candy - most pleasant to the eye!

    I don't have any staff these days, either. However, I have a niggling feeling, I've become a staff member to my two cats. They boss me around all the time; and don't pay me! Something is wrong with this picture...I can't quite put my finger on it!

    Only dark chocolate for me, thanks! There's an idea...my two four-legged, furry rascals could pay me in dark chocolate...Hmmmmmm.....

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  15. You need to sort out this situation immediately, Lee. Those cats need to start pulling their weight and treating you with some RESPECT. Starting from today.

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  16. Yep! I try to impress that upon them daily, Kerri! But they just roll their eyes at me, and giggle behind their paws! And the status quo remains! I'm a sucker for fur on four legs!

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