Well, I feel I have come far enough in my career as a Busy Working Mum to subject my own staff to bizarre and pointless rules. Unfortunately, I don't have any staff, except for Gab the Wonder Babysitter, who actually bosses me around.
But this will not deter me, because I will surely have staff one day, and it is better to sort these things out early.
So here they are: my Ten Rules for Dealing With Kerri Sackville, CEO of Nothing In Particular.
- When greeting me, the salutation "Hi Kerri, have you had a facelift? You look amazing!" should be used. This may occasionally be alternated with "Wow, have you lost weight?" or "You are positively glowing today!"
- On parting, the words "Thank you for being you," should be used. Just because.
- There must be a constant supply of Nutella handy at all times.
- There is to be no white chocolate in my presence at any time. White chocolate is not real chocolate, and it's very existence as a form of confectionery offends me.
- Children should be presented to me only when clean, fed, in a cheery disposition, and having had completed their homework.
- All iPhones should be switched onto silent or set to an acceptable ring tone: In Da Club by 50 Cent, Night Fever by the Bee Gees, or Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths. Obviously.
- A bed must be available to me between 1pm and 3pm every afternoon, wherever I am. There will be absolute silence at this time and I am not to be disturbed under any circumstances. Unless Simon Baker calls, in which case put him right through.
- All calls from The Architect are to be vetted. If he is calling to tell me he will be late home, or to discuss finances, or to arrange a dinner with other architects, he is to be told I am unavailable. If he is calling with messages of love, or to disclose a recent financial windfall, he may be put through.
- I require five minutes of shoulder massage per hour of working, plus one hour of full body massage from six till seven pm whilst the staff prepare dinner.
- I am Off Duty from 10pm at night. All enquiries after this time are to be directed to The Architect. Oh, and Architect, this applies to you too. If you haven't submitted all of your 'enquiries' to me by this time, they can wait until tomorrow.
Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.