October 4, 2012

An Open Letter of Complaint to Coles

Dear Coles,

I am writing to complain about your Coles Ultra Booster Plus Everyday Soaker with the Improved Easy to Open Cap.

Now, I've been buying your Coles Ultra Booster Plus Everyday Soaker for a while now, with the unimproved, original cap. And let me tell you, it opened just fine. You simply stuck your finger under the tab and woo hoo! Off it came. A true miracle of plastic technology. You could even put the cap back on again, too.

So you can imagine my joy when I saw the Improved Easy to Open Cap on my most recently purchased tub of Coles Ultra Booster Plus Everyday Soaker.

'Wow,' I thought, fingering the smooth white curves of the container. 'They've improved on perfection? Amazing. I mean, it was easy to open before. How much easier must it be now? Perhaps I won't even need to stick my finger on the tab anymore. Perhaps I'll just wish the cap open, and it will pop off, all by itself!'

So imagine my surprise - my profound, disappointed, surprise - to discover, upon arriving home to a mountain of laundry, that the Improved Easy to Open Cap wasn't easy to open at all. Not that it was difficult to open - I'm not saying that at all. No.

It was bloody impossible.


LIES!!! ALL LIES!!!
Yes, Coles, it has been a week now and I still have not been able to get that tub of Coles Ultra Booster Plus Everyday Soaker open. I have tried, dozens of times. And - just in case you were wondering whether I have some kind of spatial navigation disorder, or a digital manipulation disability, I have passed the tub on to four different adults of varying sizes and IQs, and they haven't been able to prise the damn thing open either.

So Coles, I have to ask you - what possessed you? You took a perfectly functional cap, altered it so that it is impenetrable, and then, just to twist the knife in further, labelled it Improved Easy to Open? What were you thinking? Was it some kind of manufacturing mistake? Or are you just trying to fuck with our minds???

Thank you in anticipation of your speedy response,

KS

23 comments:

  1. Excuse my ignorance but what on earth is a 'soaker' anyway? And do I need one?

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    1. You technically use it when you're soaking white clothes for long periods of time. I just use it instead of laundry powder, because it works, and it's cheap1

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  2. I complained to Bulla when they changed their ice cream tubs from simple lids to 'new improved easy to open'. I was hoping for at least a years supply of free ice-cream. The silence was deafening.

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    1. Oh I'm SURE Coles will respond. Won't you Coles? Coles?????

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    2. Coles doesn't read your blog Kerry. Take the product back for a refund and complain on their website.

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    3. better yet - tweet it. They'll respond. Trust me.

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  3. You could always use it to throw at someone if they said 'gee, there's still a stain on my shirt - what happened with the laundry this time?'... that would get the cap off.

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  4. Damn, all these 'new improved' lids and seals are doing my head in. My fingers are regularly red raw and I always have at least one broken nail from trying to open something. Try giving it to a child, those little fuckers can open ANYTHING...

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    1. I've given it to my 13yo. He can't get it open. Clearly I need to hand it over to the 4yo....

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  5. I guess its a bit like the "child proof" caps on the nurofen and panadol.....My 18 month old DS was able to open these I discovered after leaving an empty bottle on the outdoor table! Kim

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    Replies
    1. No WAY. Seriously??? If that's what he's doing now you are going to be in huge trouble when he's four or five!!!

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  6. Have you taken it back to the store to ask the Store Manager to open it for you? His frustration might get some action.

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    Replies
    1. Oh I will. But I'm going after the big guns....

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  7. This is hilarious! I feel your pain. Just the other day I examined this new fangled packaging in Coles, while wondering how one could improve on something that didn't seem difficult. After reading this, am thankful did not buy item!

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  8. Panadol for children child-free lids. Emily-free as well, evidently. If Ashleigh's in pain and daddy's not home, she stays in pain. Sorry munchkin.

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  9. I had exactly the same experience with a bottle of POM. I have no idea what it tastes like as we couldn't get it open either. So you have inspired me to write to them :) I think you should forward this to Coles too!

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  10. That's unacceptable. Take it back and get the refund you're entitled to. Also fill out a feedback form stating that you are unhappy with their current range of this product and state why. You can complain online too at www.colesonline.com.au

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    Replies
    1. It's okay - Coles read the blog and have got in touch with me. The power of social media! Thanks x

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  11. Coles read your blog??
    Geez, I work there and they don't read mine.....that's probably a good thing....

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  12. This is going to sound realllly pathetic.... but I use Coles UBPES too and have *always* struggled with the cap. I bought a new one last week and was DELIGHTED to see that they have fixed the bloody cap. I haven't used it yet (must finish the other one first, you know) but was anticipating it like Christmas.

    Thanks, Sackville. Now I have one less thing to live for.

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  13. At the risk of sounding obvious, and therefore incurring the unthinkable Kerriwrath, it's not a screw top now, is it? (Please tell me you tried that, I'd really hate to be right LOL)

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