June 30, 2011

The Naked Husband

I'm coming to you live from Melbourne (at least, my upper body is; my feet have been dead with cold since I touched down at Tullamarine Airport).

I came down to temperate *insert snorts of laughter* Melbourne on Tuesday to give a keynote address at a charity function. My flight was delayed an hour by the Melbourne fog (at least, that's what they told us, and it's certainly a more comforting thought than 'for the pilot to sober up'), so I spent some time in Sydney airport browsing around the shops. I bought a scarf for extra warmth, a shawl for even more warmth, and a ring to remind me that my fingers still existed once they were dangling numb and frozen from my arms. All have served their purpose well.
I was put up at a lovely hotel, The Royce, although as delightful as it was I will never be staying there again. I was given a faulty key, and was forced to complain at the front desk, then suffered the hideous mortification of discovering that the only thing faulty in the whole failure-to-open-door manouvre was my brain. So as delightful as the room was, and as warm and welcoming the service, I can never return to an establishment which sees me to be the fool I really am.

On Tuesday evening I had dinner with my cousins, all 300,000 of them. We crammed into a Chinese restaurant and ate dumplings and compared photos of our 30 billion children, approximately none of whose names I still remember. (Okay, I remember two of their names. But they have really cute names. NOT that the others don't have cute names. I'm sure they do. I just can't remember them.)

On Wednesday morning I woke up and went outside, which was obviously an insane thing to do as it was about minus 100% and utterly freezing. (And yes, this is an exaggeration, but really only very slight.) So I ran back inside again, wrapped myself in scarf and shawl and ring, and waited to be picked up to go and give my talk. 

My speech was quite successful, even the bits in which I wasn't talking about sex or vomit or breasts. And I didn't even need to use the special hand signal I had arranged with my aunt, in whch she had to laugh and applause rapturously whenever I touched my forehead.

Later, I did a book signing, where happily every single member of the audience approached me and bought my book (using 'every single' in it's lesser known sense of 'a small proportion'). Then I ate lots and lots of chocolate cake in my post-speech rush, because - as is commonly known - after a period of excitement nothing contains calories for at least an hour and a half.

After the function I was picked up by my darling friend Kylie Ladd and transported to her home, where I would be spending the night. We were met there by my other dear friend TheNDM, who took me out for coffee whilst Kylie attended to mundane things such as child rearing and finding me a towel.

When TheNDM and I returned, we chatted for a while with Kylie, and were joined shortly afterward's by Kylie's husband Craig. After introductions, and two minutes of chit chat, Craig retired to the bathroom for a shower, before appearing several minutes later stark naked in search of soap. Well, the guy has a great arse, but I probably didn't need to see it quite so soon. After all, I have known many of my friend's husbands for over a decade and are yet to see them stark naked. Still, it certainly accelerated the intimacy. I immediately felt comfortable brushing my teeth in the lounge room, announcing I needed to do a wee, and prancing naked in front of Kylie's family (although I refrained from doing the latter for fear of startling their neighbours).

I later fell asleep in Kylie's daughter's bed, surrounded by a team of Littlest Petshop centurians, who kept me safe all night, except for when I stepped on one on my way to the loo. All in all, it was a most successful visit.

Though when I come back again, I'm going to insist that Craig keeps his pants on at all times. Either that, or he can carry around a bar of soap. Intimacy is good, but I'm starting to think Kylie and I are close enough.

26 comments:

  1. Good god, can't stop laughing.......

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  2. Well, I'll say one thing. He's not shy, is he ? I've known you for ages, and wouldn't dream of showing you my dangly {and wrinkly} bits. TMI ?......... ;-)

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  3. I feel the need to tell the WHOLE story here.... my hub had just cycled home from work to find Kerri, The NDM and myself happily chatting in the front room. He came in, said hi, refrained from caling us all nutty online freaks, then went to have a shower. As he was about to step in he noticed that there wasn't any soap, so thinking we were all up the front of house thought he'd make a quick nudey dash to the laundry, where the soap is stored. The minute he did, though, he heard us thundering down the hallway to fetch the NDM's bag from the back room, so he quickly shut the laundry door and remained inside. Of course, being chatty types, something caught our attention in the hallway so we lingered, talking, while he froze his soap off in the laundry... After five minutes of waiting for us all to just shut up and aware that the shower was still running he finally decided to make a bolt for it- which is when theNDM and Kerri were treated to the sight of his buttocks bouncing back up the hall. OK? It could have happened to anyone...

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  4. Kylie, he's a flasher, isn't he ? You need to counsel him...... ;-)

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  5. Hahahaha ...  Perhaps next time you should take a towel (and soap) for Mr Kylie?

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  6. The funniest post and of course, rebuttal from Kylie herself. I wonder if this situation will appear in either of the two talented authors future books? Names changed to protect the naked of course. 

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  7. hehe I was enjoying the scenarios I was making up in my mind.  Kerri your post made me miss Melbourne all over again - gosh I wish I was there again.  Glad you had a great time and it sounds like you got to see Melbourne's best bits! 

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  8. Your life is so exciting - I do feel sorry for The Royce though.  In this one case only, I feel that one of your commenters ( a Ms KL) has outshone you with her far less likely rendition of the Quest for the Soap.

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  9. Thing is hon.... I STILL don't get why he didn't wrap himself in a towel.......

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  10. Admittedly, given our entire linen press (and thus about 500 towels) are stored in the laundry, I'm not too clear on that point myself.

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  11. And the weather being so cold, too.
    Bet you're dying to visit Kylie in the Summer months just to be accurately horrified.
    :-)

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  12. Hmm, I remember an earlier post when Kylie indicated that her hubby was.. shall we say, well endowed.  Are you sure he just wasn't showing off?

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  13. Tragically not. And I've heard it is VERY full...

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  14. Well then he was bloody well facing the WRONG way (which annoyed me no end, because I'd heard the same story.....)

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  15. How come that would never happen to me? I could use the laugh ;)

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  16. Difference between men and women is, if our wives wouldn't mind (and assuming we are adequately equipped), we would be running around naked all the time!

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  17. I hope you gave TheNDM a big squeeze for us ... Have been thinking about her a lot x

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  18. Wow, my husband doesn't even let us, (his immediate family see him naked).  I'm jealous.  I married a prude.

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  19. Well Kerri, I just read KL's approved version and it seems her hub is not such an out there guy.  I feel a whole lot better about my hubs hang ups.

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  20. And it's right about now that I'm regretting declining Kylies invitation to stay at hers when I come down.  A free look at a solid bare arse?  Priceless.   Sounds like a heaps of fun. xx

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  21. Sounds like so much fun! Except for the cold bit. 

    Oh and I'm not talking about Craig when I say 'bit', okay?

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