May 23, 2011

Rapture Fail

So Saturday was supposed to be the Rapture. Hundreds of millions of believers were meant to ascend to heaven, naked and flapping their arms*. I didn't believe for a minute that the Rapture would take place, just like I never for a moment believed that the Y2K Bug would wipe out the world as we knew it**. Still, it did give me pause for thought.

How would you react if the Rapture actually happened? I mean, imagine walking outside and seeing dozens of your neighbours floating skywards in the nude.*** How would you feel? What would you do?

So far the only reactions I've experienced to truly fantastical events are on TV or in the movies, and, quite frankly, I don't buy them for a second. Whenever something mind-blowingly bizarre happens - a spaceship lands, a boy discovers he's a wizard, an alien turns up in a picnic basket - the heroes express disbelief for about 30 seconds, then accept the situation and move on. It's preposterous.

"Wow, an alien!" the lead character will cry, then shake his head with wonder, then help him back to his spaceship without a second thought. Or "We're flying!" a first-time witch will exclaim, then start to practice her technique as if she's just discovered a fabulous new cleasing bar with which to wash her face.

Yup. I don't think so. If I discovered an alien in my closet, I would close my eyes and block my ears and rock silently in a corner, convinced I was becoming psychotic and that I would spend the rest of my days in a locked room wrapped in a white dressing gown with very long arms. My brain is not geared to handle bizarre sights. I'm still freaked out by the TV show I saw about conjoined twins, and that was five years ago. An alien would utterly destroy my mind.

As for flying, well, as I would love to fly, actually put me up there in the sky and I would scream and vomit and quite probably faint with fear, which would not be at all good for aerodynamics. I get nervous on aeroplanes and they are real machines, with safety features and everything. There's no way you're getting me to trust just my wimpy little arms.

Now if the Rapture was to happen in the movies, it would go something like this:

People start floating skywards, never to be seen again. Our hero looks amazed for a count of three, after which he goes in search of his estranged wife, who he's suddenly decided he still loves. He finds her (not ascended, clearly they were both very naughty) after dodging some nasty natural disasters. They kiss passionately, and live happily ever after.

If the Rapture was to happen in my world, it would go something like this:

People start floating skywards, never to be seen again. Kerri looks out the window, screams, falls to the floor, and starts clutching her head crying 'It's a dream! It's a dream!' The Architect runs in the room and commands 'Help me find the rabbit!'**** He pulls Kerri to her feet. She runs around in circles howling wildly, before banging into a door and falling unconscious to the floor. The Architect revives her, she screams and faints, he revives her again, she faints again, and so on, until eventually he just leaves her on the floor and starts a new life with the rabbit.

Or something like that.

So what about you? How would you react to the Rapture? Do you think it would be like in the movies? Would you be freaked out by superpowers? Most importantly, do you want to fly???

*Okay, so I may have made up the flapping bit.
**(though I did, ahem, stock up on extra water just to be safe....)
***Or floating skywards yourself, though that seems a remote possibility for me...
****There's no WAY he'd ascend, the evil little bunny

17 comments:

  1. The whole nude flapping thing's a bit off putting. How do you get nude? What if you're not comfortable with the rest of the world seeing all your bits as you flap heaven -bound? If you've been so good what's wrong with a bit of modesty? And it is chilly, so I haven't kept the whole waxing thing going, it would be very unseemly. But if I was left fully clothed & earthed? I'd be having  a bottle of red &  a stern chat to all those skeletons in the closet.  

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  2. I am now officially concerned about your state of mind !! 

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  3. Ew. Hadn't really thought about all those naked flappy bits right about my head....

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  4. I am mystified as to where the whole "nude" thing came from. Did it say that in the bible or something? Or is Kerri just really depraved? 

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  5. Kerri, Rapture schmapture. The rapture was never gonna happen, while your book is still in it's first print run.....

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  6.  Well my first reaction to watching the neighbours flying
    skywards naked would be disturbing as nearly all are older than me. Then I
    would want to know why I wasn’t flying too as I was all that bad, was I. Maybe I
    need to leap up wards then it happens so the next hour is spent leaping for the sky only
    to fall back on my butt wondering if the next time it would work of will the
    ground open up and I drop into the pit. I knew I should have read my bible I
    have three do you actually have to read them? Then fear would set in and sit in
    a corner and read the book to see if there is a second chance, after which I
    would hope survival mode would take over being defensive.

    The real lesson from the failed rapture is that the book says that no one will
    know the time or place so we just have to be ready. 
    Phillip from Canberra

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  7. Kirsty aka Mummy To FiveMay 23, 2011 at 4:33 PM

    See the Rapture just wasn't allowed to happen for many reasons...

    1. My kids would probably still come along with me up there and I still wouldn't get me time!

    2. I hadn't finished reading your book... I have since finished and would like to know when the second one is coming??

    3. I haven't had the chance to experience being an iPad owner!
    Maybe I should DH that he was to get me one invade the rapture comes back!!

    4. I'm nowhere near being back to prebaby weight so no way am I going up naked!!
    4.

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  8. I don't have an iPad yet either, so the rapture will have to hold off for a while for me too  (although my hubby has one, so I suppose he could ascend and I could use it once he's gone.......)
    P.S. writing the second book now!!! Hang on!!!!!! xxxxxxxxx

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  9. Actually I just read that on Twitter. But that's like the Bible, isn't it??? x 

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  10.  Look, if the so-called good people go up naked, can we less-good people also stay here and undress? Although yesterday I happened to walk into a bunch of nude men by a river, so maybe that's not such a good idea after all.
    Martin (Geneva, CH)

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  11. I did a post on this too, who believes in this stuff??  All i know is that my husband said on Saturday "if the world does end, i spent my last moments with my best mate fly fishing".  He would have been happy, ascending with rod in hand.  Love Posie 

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  12. My youth group leader, who I was totally in love with, used to drive an MG with a sticker on the back that said "In case of rapture this car will  disappear." Could never understand why Mum wouldn't let me get a lift home with him.

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  13. *chuckle*  There's no way I would ascend, although it would require me to readjust my worldview. 

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  14. Alicia BatchelderMay 25, 2011 at 2:10 PM

    I actually talked about this with my mom, because she went out to dinner with her boyfriend right before the rapture was supposed to happen. We laughed about how she might be one of the ones floating away and how that would be awkward for other people. hahaha.

    I don't know how I would react. I'd definitely freak out, I think. Though the thought of flying is oddly appealing...

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  15. I love how everyone assumes they will be in #rapture I know I'll be left behind that worries me more! But as they say when your times up it's up! Love it as always Kerrie 

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