Kerri Vs The Machine: The Tears, The Triumph

Yesterday my elliptical trainer arrived*. Unfortunately I wasn't home to receive the package, so I trooped to the Post Office with notice in hand to pick it up.

"Oh no," said the nice lady behind the counter, followed by a lot of things I couldn't actually understand as English was clearly her fifteenth language. "No no. Not heeya."

Through a combination of sign language and despair I intuited that the package was too big and had had to be rerouted back to the holding centre, which of course was out in Woop Woop**. After contacting the holding centre and failing to agree upon a time at which they could redeliver it (because I am busy and they are inflexible) I decided to schlep out there and pick it up myself.

Luckily my car is the size of a small town, because the elliptical trainer, described online as being 'compact', was in a box the size of a large house. I drove it home, dragged it inside, and proceeded to open the package.

Or at least, I tried to open the package. The damn thing was sealed in industrial strength cardboard and stapled together with metal clasps the size of my foot. It took every piece of kitchen equipment I had just to tear the damn thing open. I had to rest for about an hour as my whole body was shaking with exertion. Exercise equipment indeed.

Then it was time to assemble the machine. Well, the instruction manual provided with the equipment made the lady at the Post Office look like an English professor. It referred me to the 'Explosion Drawing', which was appropriate as the sight of it made my brain explode into a million tiny pieces. Much like the elliptical trainer on the floor.

Still, I made progress. I got the first two bits into the main thingamyjig without too much trouble. But then I had to insert the spindle bar through the connecting tube with a sharp washer and a spring washer using a hinge screw and a chain wheel shaft without damaging the crankshaft, and I completely lost my mind.

After sobbing in the corner for several minutes I continued my quest. I struggled through but was hindered by typos and spelling mistakes and ommissions. Was the Right Connecting Tube number 40 or 49? It was labelled as both. What on earth is a D Sharp Washer?*** And perhaps it would have been helpful to tell me to put piece 1 in between pieces 17 and 24 before I found out by myself and had to dismantle the whole thing and start again.

However, after a mere 147 minutes, my elliptical trainer was assembled (with only one slight crack on the footrest after I put it in the wrong way and broke it on my first pedal). And it's great. Not that I ever plan to use it.

Quite frankly, after the morning I've had, I never want to see that little fucker again.

 *(the one I bought online without informing The Architect, who, as many of you will know, is a Minimalist and lover of stark white furniture, a category into which 'eliptical trainer' does not fall).
**(You know. Far away.)
***Turned out to be a D Shaped Washer. Sigh....