What Could Possibly Go Wrong???

It's book launch date on Thursday and I am excited as a pig in mud (er... if the pig hadn't been in mud ever before in his life and was really, really thrilled to see mud for the first time). Anyway.... This excitement co-exists with a healthy dose of nerves. Or at least it would, if I was the kind of person who had a healthy dose of nerves. Being the anxious person that I am, I have an unhealthy dose of nerves. But then, I have an unhealthy dose of nerves when I'm driving the kids to school, so it's pretty much to be expected.

So here, so you can reassure me that none of these will happen, are my top fears for what could go wrong at my book launch.

1. A water pipe bursts and the entire street is blocked off.
2. I leave my hair colourant in too long the night before and all my hair falls out.
3. I leave my nose pore strip on too long the night before and half my nose falls off.
4. The kids come out in chicken pox that day and we all quarantined.
5. As I leave for the launch I discover I am teeming with lice.
6. I'm so nervous I need to take valium to get out of the house.
7. I take too much valium and sleep through the entire launch.
8. I wear my new high heeled shoes, trip over on the way out of the house, and spend the entire launch evening at St Vincents' Emergency.
9. I get lost on the way to the launch and miss the whole thing.
10. Mark Dapin gets lost on the way to the launch and my mother has to launch the book instead.
11. The bookshop forgets to order my book and I have to sign copies of 'Cooking With Lentils, by the North Carolina Cooking Collective' instead.
12. I sign copies of 'Cooking With Lentils' and nobody notices the difference.
13. I have a drink to soothe my nerves and end up giggling through my speech and singing 'Like A Virgin'.
14. I have a drink to soothe my nerves and end up signing my name 'Spongebob Squarepants'.
15. No-one turns up.
16. Everyone turns up but no-one buys a book.
17. My publishers change their minds and cancel the whole thing.