Clearly, if I want to open myself to the perfect spiritual experience, I'm going to have to design it myself. So to this end I have come up with the Ultimate Religion, and I invite you all to follow.
So please find below the Ten Great Covenants of Simontology. Read. And Obey.
- Simontologists worship Simon Baker as a god. We know he isn't god, and we don't expect him to have any actual powers, and for this reason we don't bother praying to him - we just fantasize about him a lot and hope to meet him one day. For those who don't wish to worship Simon Baker (or who are more inclined to worship female members of the species), then George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson, Justin Bieber or Natalie Portman are acceptable alternatives. Except Justin Bieber. I was just joking about him.
- Simontologists drink the ritual Gin And Tonic at the Holy Hour of 5pm every night. This Gin And Tonic may be substituted with Wine or other Alcoholic Beverages with the special dispensation of the local Spirit(ual) Advisor (i.e. Bottle Shop).
- Simontologists celebrate good news with spoonfuls of Nutella, which explains the alternate name of the Simontology faithful: Nutellites.
- Simontologists are kind to each other, unless 'each other' has done something really mean, in which case feel free to give them hell.
- Simontologists are kind to animals, except for rabbits, which are just annoying, and very bad value as pets.
- Simontologists read lots of books, but never, ever lend them out to other people. They rave about the books and encourage their friends to buy them, but give them only a tantalising glimpse of the front cover before snatching the book away. This is because they know that if they lend the book out, then the author will not make her teeny tiny commission of $1.20 per book, and Simontologists want authors to be paid for their hard labour.
- Simontologists do not do too much exercise because this makes other Simontologists feel bad about how unfit they are.
- Simontologists engage in frequent Meditation sessions, during which they Zen Out in front of episodes of the Mentalist, episodes of Mad Men, episodes of Weeds, episodes of Top Gear, or in fact episodes of anything they like, provided it does not feature Justin Bieber.
- Simontologists do not kill, unless absolutely necessary (for example, in a tussle over an extra large jar of Nutella).
- Simontologists do not need a Tenth Covenant. We make our own rules..