I don't publish pictures of my kids on my blog. Generally, this is for their own protection. Today, however, it is for mine.
This morning, three year old Boo looks like she's been in a war zone, and if the pictures were leaked, there would quite possibly be criminal investigations. And the whole thing happened in a House of God.
The family and I were in synagogue yesterday to witness the Batmitzvah of a close family friend. A Batmitzvah is the coming of age ceremony of a twelve year old Jewish girl, in which she addresses the congregation, and does not cause any injury to the three year old children who are there to celebrate with her. This, you see, is the job of the children's mothers.
At one point Boo wanted to stand on her (pull down) chair to better see what the Batmitzvah girl was doing. Being a completely irresponsible parent, I let her. The chair flipped into it's upwards position, and Boo sort of slid down the back feet first, leaving nothing but a blue-floral clad torso and a little blonde head peeping out.
She wasn't injured, so clearly I hadn't tried hard enough. I hauled her out, and she twisted her foot in the chair, causing minor pain but a rather loud squeal. Still, the recovery was quick and we returned our attention to the service.
Ten minutes later Boo needed to do a wee wee. Not a problem. I carefully lifted her out of her seat (no chair flipping for her again) and we walked to the loo. After she went to the toilet and washed her hands we went to leave the bathroom. Boo was right behind me as I went to open the heavy door. Except that she wasn't. She was right in front of me. And I opened the door directly onto her head. Hard. I'm telling you, I could hear the thump.
Boo howled in pain. I howled in remorse. We both stood and howled in the loo. Luckily, the congregants were by then singing a rousing song of praise to the lord, so no-one could hear us wail. Except for God, I assume. It was his house, after all.
Fifteen minutes later the festivities were over and we were walking back to our car. All was well, Boo had regained her cheer, and I had regained my composure. Which of course was unacceptable, so Boo fell flat on her face in the middle of the footpath and bashed up her forehead and both of her knees. God knows we couldn't get away that easily.
Now, I'm not especially religious, and I'm starting to know why. Visiting the Lord is far too dangerous. From now on, I'm going to worship from a safe distance.