The Never Ending Weary

I have a question to ask you.

Are you tired?

If not, what does it feel like, this 'not feeling tired' thing? Because I honestly cannot remember.

I am tired all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. I am never not tired. My tiredness comes in several categories.

Weary - This tiredness is just a mild feeling in the background. A kind of 'Could do with a nap, but can hang out till bedtime' sensation. If I'm just a bit weary, it's a very good day.

Tired - This is my baseline level of tiredness. I haven't had enough sleep (for about, you know, 11 years) and it's showing. I can function well, because I have learned to co-exist with tiredness, but I would function much, much better with more rest. If I can get in a brief nap, I will, but I can keep ploughing through until bedtime if necessary.

Exhausted - This is the tiredness I feel after a particularly late night or rough week. I feel fuzzy all morning and I need a nap. If I can't get a nap, I feel a little desperate. Of course, most of the time I can't get a nap, so I end up falling asleep prone at my computer, or on the floor in Boo's room whilst I am trying to get her dressed. Sadly, this doesn't even alarm my kids anymore. They're used to seeing Mummy on the ground unconscious.

Shattered - When I feel like this, I have to sleep. Like, get into bed and sleep for two hours. I simply can't keep going otherwise. This is when I call my mum, or weep on the phone to my husband and tell him he has to come home early (which, in Kerri's Husband Speak means '7pm'). This is when I let the kids watch TV for three straight hours, or feed them frankfurts for dinner, or bribe them with money and chocolate to let me lie down. These days occur at least once a fortnight. Often more.

Being tired is the bane of my existence. If there was a pill to take tiredness away, I would gobble it down. Oh hang on... there is a pill to take tiredness away... and a powder... Okay, so if there was a legal, herbal, non-addictive, non-hallucinogenic pill that didn't make you dance to house music for hours and tell the world you love them and cause the inside of your nose to collapse, then I'd take it for sure. Oh, hang on.... there is and I do. It's called coffee. But they really need to make it stronger because I'm on my fourth cup for the day and I'm ready to go back to bed.

The last time I didn't feel tired was two years ago. My husband and I managed to get away for six nights to a beach somewhere without the kids. We'd planned to have a romantic getaway. Not surprisingly, my husband got an urgent call from work on the first day and spent most of the holiday glued to his computer. Not inclined to take romantic boat rides on my own, or sit up late at night drinking cocktails and looking at the sunset solo, I took to my bed. I slept twice a day for the first two days (as well as ten hours or so at night) and once a day for the next two. By the fifth day I reflexively got into bed after lunch, and realised I didn't need to sleep anymore. It was a strange and wonderful sensation.

Of course, two days after that we were home again, and within 24 hours I was totally exhausted. Three clingy kids who insist on paying you back for leaving them at their (utterly doting) Nana and Papa's place will do that to you. And now, I have no idea what that delicious sensation of being rested even felt like.

So if you know, please enlighten me. I promise to read all your comments.

After I've just had a little bit of a nap.