November 8, 2010

Not Just Your Average Peni... I Mean Post

So the other night my husband and I were watching an educational documentary on SBS. We do that a lot. This particular educational documentary was about porn stars, which made for an interesting change (usually the SBS docos we watch are about prostitutes, strippers, pole dancers and sex addicts).

The doco followed a renowned photographer who decided to do a series of portraits of porn stars with and without their clothes on. This was designed to highlight all sorts of deep and meaningful things, such as how different porn stars look with and without their clothes on.

My husband and I watched the show with great interest. After all, neither of us had really seen porn stars with clothes on, so it was quite fascinating.

The porn actresses featured in the doco were very diverse. As one would expect, there were a couple of dozen actresses who were blonde, slim and huge breasted, but there was also one actress who was black, slim and huge breasted, and one actress who was Asian, slim and small breasted. Really quite an extraordinary collection of female forms.

As for the men, well, they were a revelation. Seriously. I didn't recognise this straight away as the renowned photographer began by taking pics of the guys with their clothes on. Of course, I did notice that one of the men seemed to be tucking something ginormous down the leg of his jeans, but I assumed it was a spare sock, or maybe a Subway bread roll for his lunch. It wasn't until he stripped off for his naked shot that I saw what it actually was.

It was a penis.

Now, I kind of guessed that the porn actors would have penises. I've been around the block once or twice or even *insert number of times I've actually been around the block* times. And I've seen the odd porno. But I have never, and I repeat NEVER, seen anything like this specimen. Ladies (and gentlemen), it was terrifying. If I had ever contemplated a future in the porn industry (which I really would do only when Toddler started school full time) then this put me right off. The thing was HUGE.

Now, I know some women believe that size is important (although personally, I have always been more attracted to the man attached to the penis than the penis attached to the man), but this thing was a killer. If I was to see something that size come at me (er, so to speak) I would throw my shoes at it in terror and run screaming from the room.

That, of course, is never going to happen, as I'm happily married to a man whose penis is *insert husband's actual penis size here* inches long. But it freaked me out big time. Firstly, because I did not realise that there was another category after 'small', 'medium' and 'large'.

And secondly, I have NO idea how they manage to walk around with those things.

71 comments:

  1. Why no comments? Is everyone else too busy downloading this show? Shit, behind the eight ball once again.

    I too would not care to be ripped apart by a lengthy trouser snake but believe these days, working with a 23 year old, that it is common place for young men to text pictures of their appendages now to the ladies.

    I've been privy to a few and let's just say, if the girls of today are growing bigger breasts because of their chicken intake, the boys are eating double. Yikes!!

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  2. My eyes are watering just thinking about it. And of course 'bigger' doesn't mean more 'beautiful' - they will rarely be pretty to look at.
    I 'knew' someone in my deep dark past who was exceptionally well endowed and the only thing bigger than his penis was his ego. If its made round to go round then he got it going like helicopter rotor blades.
    The man definitely more important than the tool.

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  3. All I have to say on the topic is that I am married to a man whose teammates/lifetime friends regularly call him "Black Death" and "Salami Pants." And it's mostly all very wonderful, but sometimes a whole salami is just too filling, and a girl would prefer a cocktail frankfurt.

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  4. Nothing like a massive penis post to get the week going. It was looking like it was going to be a long week, maybe even hard, but WOAH I wasn't expecting WHOPPER. x

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  5. Well, as it happens, I am somewhat of an expert in this field by virtue of being a man.

    Little known fact, penises were often larger in pioneering / frontier times as the enormous schlongs were very handily used by strong-willed women to tie their husbands to hitching posts while they drank at the saloon.

    I know, we learn something new every day.

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  6. Life is so unfair. The man is hung like a horse, AND he gets paid to screw porn stars.......... :-(

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  7. ahahaha I watched that too.

    Husband was working late and I tend to get up to trouble when bored and trapped in my house for too long.
    Was most disappointed when he wasn't surprised when I was excitedly demonstrating how large the porn stars doodle actually was.

    If I was a porn star (which to be honest, is highly unlikely) I would be demanding double the salary to sex that guy. I'd call it danger money.

    *ouch*

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  8. Yes well, I'm still theorising that Kylie Ladd's husband logged on in her name to comment. If not, thanks for 'raising the bar' for all our husbands, Kylie! If we make no comment does that imply our husbands are underperformers? All I'm prepared to say is that my hubby is above average in all aspects of life.

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  9. I knew this girl once ( I know you're sniggering behind your hands, but I swear this is true), who on her first, as it were, encounter with an attractive man she'd been lusting after, burst into tears and told him there was no way he was 'putting that thing anywhere near her'.

    The guy was, and I quote, 'hung like an elephant's trunk.' To cut a long story short (the guys are wincing about now, right?), she did attempt to give it the old college try but, well, let's say it was the end of a beautiful friendship.

    I have to assume this man must have gone onto a successful career in porn films, where willing girls could be paid danger money to couple with him. Either that, or he's still tied to a hitching post somewhere...

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  10. Oh, @Ruddygood I believe that man might still be tied up on front of the newsagent in my country hometown. They gave away the horse and buggy a few years back so he looks rather out of place now.

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  11. Our whole office is laughing. Classic post. Great start to the week x

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  12. I'll post here anonymously although I am on twitter, a girl and does yoga.........

    After my divorce (I was living in the US) ALL but one of my boyfriends was african american. Let me just say nothing can scare me. Bring it on!!!

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  13. Me again. Anonymous......Thank god my new Foxtel IQ records two shows at once - adding SBS to my list :)

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  14. Thanks for the laugh!

    And my two cents worth...well, as someone with *enough* experience (but not tooooo much), I think it's all about finding the right fit. And if that porn bloke could find a girl with a 2 foot vaginal canal, he'll be in heaven. I mean, for godsakes, doesn't the rest of him get cold?!?!

    Anon, I'll send any wayward large penises up north! ;)

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  15. I'd add something sensible to the conversation about Very Large Penises but I'm laughing too much.

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  16. I dated a guy who was hung like a horse (it was a bit hurty)...and he had a Porsche.
    Unfortunately, his personality was as big as his shlong.

    N x

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  17. What Nicky said.

    Just without the Porsche and the big personality. He was divine in all ways,until he moved to the other side of the planet, selfish bastard.

    :-)

    PMSL at my antispam word to type - is "inchroot". I kid you not.

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  18. Sparkly Tiara, I *was* on the other side of the Planet!!!
    Can't be the same Giant Shlong Man because he's never lived in Australia, but that would be hysterical!!!

    N x

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  19. I wonder how often he gives a woman a texts before sex? Just so she can draw the line somewhere :)

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  20. Nicky - I wasn't in Australia, either lol! But I don't think this guy had a Porsche. As a vague clue I will say that he's Irish.

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  21. As a guy, it's interesting to see women talk about their partners and their past partners penii (surely the plural isn't penises - it's nowhere near as fun!) in a frank and honest manner.

    Obviously there is a different strokes for different folks element here - and ladies appreciate different sizes of their sausages. But I've found it's hard to get a (believable) objective assessment from women.

    All women I have been with say to me that I am "big", but I can't imagine a world in which women would say to their sexual partners that they are "small".

    The only objective measurement is a ruler, which shows I'm very much in the 'average' range.

    But that doesn't answer the question that I now have after reading these posts. Is my man meat 'beautiful'?

    Is that something that is entirely subjective, or is there a universally agreed 'beauty' to a penis? If so - what is it?

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  22. In my very humble opinion, oh Anonymous Man, your man meat is beautiful IF....
    - it is not too short and not too long
    - it is not too thin but not freakishly thick
    - it is not bent (just a personal preference, really, can't speak for everyone here)
    - it is circumcised (but hey, I'm Jewish, it's programmed into me....)

    And finally:
    It has to be a nice flesh colour. Blue, purple, red, yellow or green penises are NOT at all up my alley. So to speak.....

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  23. 'meh' penis shmenis. I love men. I love my husband. I even love having sex with said husband ( lucky I s'pose). But I'm sorry, just not a great fan of the penis. Whether horse like or just a small fry, they are just not pretty. Functional, not fancy!
    BTW, Kerri, do you get some mysterious royalties everytime you mention penis? Hope so. Penis penis penis penis penis :)

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  24. I am neither especially short or particularly long - slightly on the thicker side, but not a giant pepperoni - I'm not bent like a banana - and I'm yet to develop a rainbow on my "inchroot".

    But, alas, I am not circumcised. That makes my penis 'unbeautiful'?

    Do other ladies have a different opinion?

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  25. Green Kerri? The only thing green should be a guys best mate...not his fishing tackle!

    That said...purple penii are a problem too, i agree about the curves and icky veined ones are not fun either.

    Big would be an interesting change from average and the one guy that actually was the size of a party sized cock(tail) frankfurt!

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  26. I, for one, have no issue with uncircumcised. As a mother of sons, I damned well spent 9 months growing that little nubble of skin, so accept it for what it is.

    Beauty? Not a word I often associate with penii, and, as Nat said, it's much more about functionality.

    Be it short, fat, long, thin or any variation thereof, it's the skill one uses that counts.

    (a not-so-small part of my mind is laughing hysterically (in a "you are so lying" fashion) at my last sentence remembering my time with Mr. Larger-than-life)

    The Penis should also be considerate at all times. Uninvited pokes in one's partner's kidneys at 4am after a night on the turps is simply disrespectful and most unappreciated.

    And green is Right Out.

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  27. LOL, you can never have too many penises (pennii), so to speak.
    When I was travelling around Greece, where they are very open about these kind of things, we walked past a theatre where the advertising their star performer, a big man called Long Dong Silver. I kid you not, it was about down to his knees. And it was kind of purple.
    I also hate bendy ones, and I dislike long thin ones (they need to be reasonably thick but not unpleasangly so. And now short and stumpy).
    Gosh, I guess I'm pretty fussy.
    Re the man who wanted to know about 'beautiful meat' I have to say that I'm not Jewish, but there is something nicer or 'cleaner' about a circumcised man. But the main thing is hygiene. If you come home from work, or in from the loo and expect me to go crazy about your man bits, they need to be clean and unsweaty.
    Have I shared too much?

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  28. PS what is it about men these days that they want to text of MSN you photos of their dicks? Apparently we are supposed to get all excited about getting close-up of their engorged organs. Quite frankly, it's enough to make a girl run a mile ...

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  29. Dear Anon Man,

    I think it's just what you're used to. I am 40-something & thus-ahem- mainly experienced with circumcised ones, but my 3 sons haven't been cut and that's the norm for the next generation (hubby's a GP & he knows). So maybe you're just ahead of your time. My friend is married to a Scottish guy & apparently they've never been into circumcision. She said its so cold they need all the covering they can get!

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  30. I have to say.. I'm not quite sure *why* they all want to send me pics of their penii.. I don't think they are at all beautiful to *look* at.. Is it just to prove they have one? as well as this.. tbh, I've never noticed much of a difference circumcised or not.... meh...

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  31. I'm a nursing student and I'm having a grand ol' time over here trying to identify what conditions could cause a penis to go green. The greatest contester at the moment is gangrene or a pseudomonus infection. Both of which wouldn't be v. pretty.

    Anon; what would make a pretty vagina?

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  32. I dated a man with a huge salami once. I found the whole experience strangely unsatisfying. It took him days to get to the money shot, by which stage I was well and truly wishing I was asleep. It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion in the ocean, and all that.

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  33. God these comments are just getting funnier.
    And I don't mind a good dick pic ... not that I've...umm ... well .... guess I'll be moving along now....
    and OMG... my captcha word is 'porkstro', I kid you not.

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  34. There is definitely a disturbing trend with the penis pic...and scarily enough I even received a moving picture not so long ago...Disturbing behaviour!

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  35. When it comes to Penii, beauty is in the eye of the holder. And really, how shallow are you people, it's what is on the INSIDE that counts.

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  36. Oh my. Seems that I've attracted quite a bit of interest and discussion. I'm flattered, really.

    I'll heed Bronnie's advice and do my best to keep this conversation from falling into seedy dick pix or flix via MSN.

    I'm glad to hear that I'm not beyond hope. There appears to be a small group of women, who still find beauty in the "au natural" penis.

    Some food for thought from Benison, perhaps it's more than cultural but also some element of generational change. Similar to the increasing prevalence of the Brazilian (and more recently the brozilian.

    However, it seems from some of the women - I should just give up any hope whatsoever of any idea of my penis being beautiful. Some women are of the opinion that no penis is ever beautiful. How sad for them, for they may never know what they are missing out on.

    As for Ella's question - what makes a beautiful vagina. I guess its only fair that I return the favor I asked of all of you.

    Firstly, I think a really good first viewing is the Hungry Beasts article on Labiaplasty. http://hungrybeast.abc.net.au/stories/labiaplasty

    There are lots of women who are engaging in pretty horrific surgery in order to 'beautify' their labia.
    I would hate to fan the flames of anyone's insecurity, so I think we should be respectful in this conservation.

    There are lots of different types of labias. And from conversations with mates, it seems many guys prefer different shapes and sizes.

    For me. And this is just me. I like smaller (less exposed) labia and a nice little button clitoris. Some element of lady-scaping is to my taste.

    If there weren't a variety of labias - just like a variety of 'penii' - then how would we know what we like and don't like.

    After all variety is the spice of life.

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  37. Oh bugger - I'm just annoyed I didn't know about the SBS programs :)

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  38. Most guys I've dated have had a hang up about the size of their prize.
    "Is mine bigger/smaller than you've seen?"

    As long as it's not split-me-in-two huge, or is-it-in-yet small, I'm content.

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  39. A cute little button clitoris?

    Can a clitoris be cute?

    Cute is not the word i want to describe my lady va-jay-jay.

    After all, it's not a fury bunny of fluffy chicken!

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  40. Oh lord.... 'cute little button clitoris'???
    I'm going to bed.
    TO SLEEP.

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  41. I'd be worried, Vixen, if it was a "fury bunny of fluffy chicken". However, I'd be more disturbed if it was a giant, swollen, protruding monster.

    Nevertheless, I was asked a question and I tried to give a truthful answer. Apologies if I offend or perturb anyone.

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  42. To be fair, Anonymous Dude, I did say that I don't find penises (ii) beautiful, however Ialso don't consider lady-bits to be ultra-attractive.

    Let's face it. The parts of our bodies that wee, ejaculate, bleed and push out babies probably weren't designed with aestheticism (is that a word?)in mind. They were designed to be functional.

    I think one only finds those parts attractive when one has a pleasant association with them, be that a result of sexual gratification or simple love of one's partner,from head to foot.

    I don't think you can distinguish the penis/labia/clitoris/vulva/perineum from the person (unless you are a medical professional or total nutjob,obviously), because they come as part of the whole package.

    A divinely sculpted labia with precison clit on a selfish, bitter woman would be as unattractive to men as a throbbing, manly, perfectly formed non-green, non-veiny, non-curved penis would be to the average woman.

    Or am I kidding myself?

    (PS. If I post again here please shoot me, 'cos it's only going to get more graphic from here on in)

    PPS - I swear to the GODDESS above I'm not making this up, but my new anti-spam word is "penesch"

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  43. I missed a bit.

    After the words "non-curved penis" there should have been the following:

    "on an arrogant, obnoxious prat of a man"

    Kthxbai.

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  44. Point well made Sparkly Tiara. And before the conversation slides into a dark abyss, I'm going to thank you all for your time tonight. I appreciate your thoughts and insights.

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  45. I'm going to make one more comment before Kerri figures out how to close them.

    I think that,all joking aside, there are a lot of people who are worried about how their private parts look to partners / prospective partners.

    Porn, art, popular magazines etc.have much to answer for. If you aren't hung like a Spanish porn star or waxed and surgically altered to look like an ad for bikinis, then it's like there's something wrong with you.

    As I said before, we come as a total package - ugly parts and all. Why does the media get to tell us which bits look appropriate and which don't? I resent that, damnit.

    My own uglies have popped out 3 large-headed children. No, they probably aren't as "beautiful" as those of your average labia model. But you know what? They've done their job and have come out the other end perhaps a little battle-scarred, but with a whole lot more experience under their belt.

    I went out with a guy who had one testicle removed because of cancer. He was SO self-conscious about it, and it broke my heart. How does having only one testicle make you a less worthy or attractive person? Answer is that it doesn't. So why did he feel like that? Freaking social pressure to meet some guidelines of an acceptable body.

    Bullshit.

    You is what you is, folks, and it's up to you to embrace your green, spotty, bent, short, thin penis and still be the best person you can be.

    Bugger me, I've got to shut up now, but you get what I'm saying, right?

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  46. Thanks for the best laugh I have had all day - original post and the ensuing conversation about penii, vaginas, and the good the bad and the ugly of both.

    alas I have no double entendre word verification... unless therf means.... nah... got nothing.

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  47. Sparkly tiara, I just keep coming back here to see what you have to say next.
    Oh and to check out the next captcha word.
    It's 'ectrum'.
    An anagram of rectum.
    No joke.
    This is so fucking hilarious I have almost busted my ectrum laughing.

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  48. My ectrum just burst too. Who MAKES UP these blogspot anti-spams?

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  49. OK, one more for insomnia's sake.

    You folks who are married to the people who had kids with have no idea how scary it is to put your bits out there on show for a potential.

    They weren't the ones whose baby it was coming outta those bits. They don't have that joyful memory to look back on when it all goes pear shaped.

    My friend with one testicle never had kids. Now he never can. He feels judged by that, not just because of the single sac (and yes, he would laugh at that comment).

    I also have a friend - a schoolmum friend - who is happily married and just got herself nipped and tucked everywhere downstairs. I have no idea why, but going by conversation, her husband's pleasure seemed to be a big part of it.

    Whilst I am jealous of the fact that she has someone she cares ennough about to surgically alter herself for his physical gratification (and I'm sure hers came into it as well) I am saddened by the need to undergo surgery to go back in time.

    Maybe I've got it all wrong. Fuck it, I just got dumped my bofriend of 2 1/2 years for not being into sex enough. But surely there's more to it than some reality TV show ideal. Surely it can somehow be about respect, non-kidney-poking-at-4am nookie.

    Or not? Am I really doomed for making sex more emotional than just pokiness?

    If anyone cuts and pastes this on my soon-to-be RSVP profile I *WILL* have to kill you, K?

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  50. All this talk about penis size, shape, girth, length...I do feel sad for the guys who are not well endowed or just smaller than the norm because, really, they're stuck with what they're given. There is no way to make a penis larger (or smaller, but I can't imagine a guy on Earth who would contemplate this).
    It's something they have no power over...

    I also want to agree with Bronnie. Hygiene is above and beyond what the shlong looks like. If it's not clean, it aint coming (hee hee) anywhere near me.

    N x

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  51. I shouldn't comment again either, but just wanted to reassure all guys, that thick, thin, long, small, I'll try anything once as long as it is clean and not-green, and you know how to use your machine ...
    Tee hee
    And it is what you do with it that counts. And I have to be attracted to the male belonging to the penis as well, and it helps if he can show that he's also attracted to me.

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  52. Wonder what other ladies (or any gay/bi guys) think of guys with medical conditions affecting their penis? E.g., hypospadias, bladder exstrophy, etc. [Google them ;) ].

    I'm not in a relationship with anyone right now, but am long-time friends with a guy who has BE. I hate how much he struggles with telling potential partners (does he, doesn't he, when does he, how does he??). I hate the rejection he's sometimes gotten. And most of all, I *hate* how much he hates his parts because society has some stupid idea that we must be perfect, especially downstairs.

    How would you react if a partner disclosed a medical condition that affected the look (but not necessarily the function) of his penis??

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  53. Hey Yasmina,
    Look, it's hard to say, because I've been married for 10000 years. However, I assume it's like any difficult medical condition - herpes, a stoma, some kind of deformity.... It would be incredibly hard for the person with the condition but hopefully they would meet someone caring and understanding who loved them for who they were. Not sure what else I can say but I hope your friend meets up with someone like that very soon x

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  54. Thanks, Kerri, I hope so too. He's a sweet guy [t'is my loss that I don't swing that way...].

    For the record, I'm not only looking to hear from people who would (hope to) accept him, but also to hear from the other side & try to understand. I guess the scientist in me still wonders how to quantify & classify people's responses to such conundrums. No judgement, just interested. :)

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  55. Yasmina, I think the answer could be found through some self reflection. Would you be willing to have a partner with deformed genetalia?

    I suspect the answer will differ from person to person, depending on how much value they place on these things in a relationship.

    Being fair to both / all sexes, I suspect some people will turn up their noses, just as well as I suspect some others will embrace with open - er - arms (?).

    The interesting thing I sensed from my comments last night was that for those (few) people who penis size / beauty / superpowers were important - it didn't seem it was in a relationship context. Rather a one night stand/ porn based context.

    Perhaps there is hope for us who don't fulfil Kerri's constructs of beauty - in lasting relationships, just don't expect him to feature in the next Pirates film.

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  56. Hey Anon Man,
    Totally. You asked what an ideal penis looked like, and I gave my humble opinion. But I never said it was essential. Except for Samantha from Sex And The City, I don't know of any women who would dump a guy for a having a penis not quite the right shape.
    Multiple penises, however... that'd be quite something else...

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  57. Multiple penises/penii would be something else.

    My dig at your comments was in jest, Kerri. Hope I didn't cause offence. (-:

    PS. I think your word verification is trying to tell me something...
    Word Verification: Pigge

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  58. PIGGE???
    Absolutely on the floor laughing.

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  59. I've come back to post a comment just to see what my word verification is. I shall disclose it at the end...it's worth waiting for.

    A good friend of mine read Kerri's post, and the comments and I am hoping he shares his thoughts...

    In a blog post about PENISES my word is feadsme

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  60. i saw only parts of this docu, but what struck me was how they were saying that a) a male porn actor can make much more money in gay porn and b) that anyway, they only gradually changed to more attractive males in the last 20 years because they realized that "men don't want to relate, they see it like what it is, a fantasy".
    sad to think tho that giant unreal breasts and penis prolongations have made it into the real world too.. wonder if men will aim 30cm soon.?
    (and i don't even dislike porn.)

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  61. ...and there was me thinking it was only us guys who were supposed to have a penis length obsession.

    The first dozen or so comments on this post convince me (not just by their content; also by the fact they're there in the first place,) that you ladies are obsessed as much as some guys are.

    Listen: we're all different. We all have different bits, and none of us can expect ourselves or our partners to have the BEST, so anything less is good enough. Take what you find; it's the person that matters.

    As far as penis length is concerned specifically: It isn't how big it is or what it looks like that matters; it's how you look after it, how you use it and what you use it for that counts.

    "I've got a twelve inch dick, but I don't use it as a rule"

    (By the way, my spam word is 'wance' but I suppose you could pronounce it as 'wanker'!)

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  62. Multiple penises/penii would be something else.

    My dig at your comments was in jest, Kerri. Hope I didn't cause offence. (-:

    PS. I think your word verification is trying to tell me something...
    Word Verification: Pigge

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  63. Thanks, Kerri, I hope so too. He's a sweet guy [t'is my loss that I don't swing that way...].

    For the record, I'm not only looking to hear from people who would (hope to) accept him, but also to hear from the other side & try to understand. I guess the scientist in me still wonders how to quantify & classify people's responses to such conundrums. No judgement, just interested. :)

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  64. OK, one more for insomnia's sake.

    You folks who are married to the people who had kids with have no idea how scary it is to put your bits out there on show for a potential.

    They weren't the ones whose baby it was coming outta those bits. They don't have that joyful memory to look back on when it all goes pear shaped.

    My friend with one testicle never had kids. Now he never can. He feels judged by that, not just because of the single sac (and yes, he would laugh at that comment).

    I also have a friend - a schoolmum friend - who is happily married and just got herself nipped and tucked everywhere downstairs. I have no idea why, but going by conversation, her husband's pleasure seemed to be a big part of it.

    Whilst I am jealous of the fact that she has someone she cares ennough about to surgically alter herself for his physical gratification (and I'm sure hers came into it as well) I am saddened by the need to undergo surgery to go back in time.

    Maybe I've got it all wrong. Fuck it, I just got dumped my bofriend of 2 1/2 years for not being into sex enough. But surely there's more to it than some reality TV show ideal. Surely it can somehow be about respect, non-kidney-poking-at-4am nookie.

    Or not? Am I really doomed for making sex more emotional than just pokiness?

    If anyone cuts and pastes this on my soon-to-be RSVP profile I *WILL* have to kill you, K?

    ReplyDelete
  65. I dated a man with a huge salami once. I found the whole experience strangely unsatisfying. It took him days to get to the money shot, by which stage I was well and truly wishing I was asleep. It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion in the ocean, and all that.

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  66. 'meh' penis shmenis. I love men. I love my husband. I even love having sex with said husband ( lucky I s'pose). But I'm sorry, just not a great fan of the penis. Whether horse like or just a small fry, they are just not pretty. Functional, not fancy!
    BTW, Kerri, do you get some mysterious royalties everytime you mention penis? Hope so. Penis penis penis penis penis :)

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  67. I knew this girl once ( I know you're sniggering behind your hands, but I swear this is true), who on her first, as it were, encounter with an attractive man she'd been lusting after, burst into tears and told him there was no way he was 'putting that thing anywhere near her'.

    The guy was, and I quote, 'hung like an elephant's trunk.' To cut a long story short (the guys are wincing about now, right?), she did attempt to give it the old college try but, well, let's say it was the end of a beautiful friendship.

    I have to assume this man must have gone onto a successful career in porn films, where willing girls could be paid danger money to couple with him. Either that, or he's still tied to a hitching post somewhere...

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  68. Well, as it happens, I am somewhat of an expert in this field by virtue of being a man.

    Little known fact, penises were often larger in pioneering / frontier times as the enormous schlongs were very handily used by strong-willed women to tie their husbands to hitching posts while they drank at the saloon.

    I know, we learn something new every day.

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  69. poor guy. i hope he finds someone nice too. i belive that when u love someone that all that dosn't matter. if a partner is kind and gentle, and makes me laugh then thats all i need, anyway im too busy absessing about my own faults t

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  70. I've been doing sit-ups (by this I mean last night I did 10 situps and hurt myself so I had to stop and eat some chocolate). This post made me laugh so much it literally hurt my abdominals. OK, my abdominal. 

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