October 11, 2010

My Logical Land Of Fantasy

My friend Stacey loves to have sex in mid air. I don't think mid air sex would do it for me but it’s Stacey's favourite position. She rolls around with her partner, hovering under the ceiling, in contortions that defy the laws of gravity. Now, obviously she doesn’t do this in real life – that would be impossible (unless, of course, she ends up in outer space, which at this stage seems rather unlikely). But Stacey, like me, has a rich fantasy life.

The difference between Stacey and me, however, is that her fantasies are without constraint, whereas my fantasies have to be plausible. Not probable, as probable fantasies would be limited to having sex with my husband in our marital bed after the kids have gone to sleep. But possible. Could potentially happen. Within the scope of (a very, very broad definition of) reality.

So this means that, unlike Stacey, I don’t fantasize about floating on the ceiling. Nor do I fantasize about having sex as some other version of myself, or being a character in a TV show, or having sex with a cartoon character (which a surprising number of people – i.e. one that I know of – do).

My fantasies all revolve around real people having sex with the real me. But even then, I can’t just sit down and let the fun begin. Oh no. Being the annoyingly literal person that I am, I need to construct a whole context around my fantasy. So if I’m fantasizing about Simon Baker, for example, I have to figure out how to get him to Australia and into my neighbourhood where he can bump into me and realise he needs to ravish me. And the difficulty with this, of course, is that even if I work out a way to get him to my front door, getting him to ravish me is a huge challenge to work around. I mean, I’m okay for a 41 year old, but why Simon would choose me over his stunningly gorgeous wife is too great a problem for my brain to figure out.

Even when it is a real (i.e. non celebrity) person who is my current fantasy, I still have to figure out the details. How do we end up alone? How do we end up in bed? Where is his wife? Where is my husband? And who is looking after the kids? It's incredibly rewarding once I actually get there, but the challenges are so enormous that I can spend 45 minutes constructing my elaborate set up, and then fall asleep before the real fun begins.

I wish it didn’t have to be like this. I wish I could just lie back and dream of Don Draper and I getting down and dirty with two glasses of Scotch and two smouldering cigarettes. And I do try. But then I remember that I don’t like Scotch, and cigarettes make me feel sick, and Don Draper wouldn’t be interested in me, and he’s just a character in a television show anyway. I guess I’ve always had a problem with the suspension of disbelief.

So what about you? Are you like Stacey? Do you do the wild thing on the ceiling? Or, like me, are you stuck in a fantasy land of logic?

14 comments:

  1. OMG, I am JUST like you! I thought I was the only one in the world who needed to line up all the details before I could get to the nitty gritty- who sadly had to know hwo we'd met and what I was wearing before my fantasy lover tore it all off. With his teeth. But I digress.

    I swear to god this is true, because I've never forgotten it... when an ex-partner and I were once living in seaparte states we used to send each other little messages. OK, dirty ones- but they can't have been too dirty b/c he once complained to me "Why do you have to set everything up? I'm thinking about the legs spread and the biting, while you're worried about the bedspread and the lighting."

    So glad to know that I'm not alone :). But honestly, a great fantasy is a realistic fantasy- that way I can believe that one day, it *might* happen.

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  2. Oh yes, I overthink the entire scenarios so that by the time I get to the actual sex bit, I've lost the plot, and like real sex, sometimes you just lose enthusiasm and/or run out of time. Or the kids come in and spoil it ...

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  3. My fantasies need no context, and very rarely do the other participants require faces. Interestingly, if my husband was ever to ......erm...... make up a 'bedroom story' to get things happenin' he mentions the where, when, what we're wearing stuff.

    Weird? Or not. *shrug*

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  4. Okay, we're in the world of The Brady Bunch. I'm Mike lying chastely in bed next to Carol. I'm thinking about designing a series of Art Deco themed car washes while she is reading The Feminine Mystique. We discuss whether our maid Alice deserves a raise.

    Our digital clock clicks over to 10pm. Carol says, "Good night Mr Brady" and pecks me on the cheek. I say, "See you in the mornin' Mrs Brady." And then we settle down to eight hours of uninterrupted slumber.

    How HOT is that?

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  5. I'm sadly all out of fantasies at the moment. When I hit 30 (between child 2 and 3) I was a bandit for the fantasy (about a particular doctor that Sam saw often) and yes, I used like to construct how we would just "happen" to meet up on a cold, stormy windswept beach. But since then, nada.

    Think I need to get myself some Horny Goatweed.

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  6. I don't have fantasies about sex. I do it all the time, with the hottest chicks panting over me, and doing it in all sorts of places and positions. In my dreams,anyway..... ;-)

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  7. I see I'm going to need to do some preparing if I want to continue my affar with Ms Draper if I ever have kids. Or Ms Cotillard, Gyllenhaal, Tomei and Saldana...

    (What? It's an Oscar's after-party and they're all just so damn impressed with how I managed to charm myself and the girl from the cafe in there, and well, who can resist this cute 'Ossie' accent?)

    Anyway, I was just thinking, maybe there needs to be investment in some sort of psychic daycare. A Neverland that randy parents can send their kids off to.

    (And, actually, read Peter Pan again sometime, I'm not half convinced that wasn't close to what was going on anyway...)

    N

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  8. Yes I totally relate to this post! The worst part is, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever actually gotten to the sex part due to the frustration of details getting in the way! How sad but funny! x

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  9. Come on Kerri, Don would totally go for you!

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  10. Oh my, thank goodness. I thought I was the only one.

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  11. Wow, there are others out there haha.. Definately a realistic fantasiser though tv can definately influence it.. At the moment Don Hany from Offspring! OMG yummmm, reminds me a little of Simon Baker, just darker!

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  12. Kerri, I'm just like you - the set-up has to be absolutely authentic - but then I go one step further and think about all the guilt of having been unfaithful to my husband, which is a bit of a mood killer, really.

    PS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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  13. Too funny! I think I am a little in the middle. Sometimes it all has to be authentic but other times I can totally make it up and have gravity defying sex. Like everything for me, it just depends on the day :)

    PS My word verification is mistress!

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  14. Okay, we're in the world of The Brady Bunch. I'm Mike lying chastely in bed next to Carol. I'm thinking about designing a series of Art Deco themed car washes while she is reading The Feminine Mystique. We discuss whether our maid Alice deserves a raise.

    Our digital clock clicks over to 10pm. Carol says, "Good night Mr Brady" and pecks me on the cheek. I say, "See you in the mornin' Mrs Brady." And then we settle down to eight hours of uninterrupted slumber.

    How HOT is that?

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