May 23, 2010

Slave In A Pink Tutu

On Saturday night I hosted a sleepover party for nine eleven-year-old boys, using 'hosted' in the sense of 'survived'. I was offered $2 by my son to be the 'paid waitress', an offer I accepted as a) it was his birthday, and b) I'm pretty much his servant anyway, so it's better to be paid $2 than nothing. What I didn't realise, however, was that my son required me to wear something 'pink and frilly' for the job, and that I would be addressed as 'slave' for the duration of the party, which is how I came to be looking like this:

The boys arrived at about 5.30pm and played happily for a while (using 'happily' in the sense of 'with vigour and intermittent destruction'). I was fully prepared, having stockpiled with chips, drinks and lollies for the boys, and alcohol and valium for me.

The boys played Wii whilst my husband went to get pizza. After 30 minutes (27 of which I spent stressing that he was going to keep driving and never return), both husband and pizza arrived, and the kids sat at the table and ate. And when I say 'ate', I mean like ravenous, possibly rabid dogs. They tore at their pizzas, bits of cheese drooling from their madly masticating mouths. I don't know whether their mums actually feed them, but clearly these boys were in need of a good meal.

The kids then watched a DVD, pausing only to shoot bizarre questions at each other. "Who knows how to get out of a locked room using only a rope?" "Who knows how to kill a man with one blow?" "Whose parents have had sex?" Strangely, whilst all nine answered "ME!" to the first two questions, only one answered "Mine" to the third.

"Ha! Well let me set you straight...." I started, before I was interrupted by my husband.

"Whose parents have had sex in the past fortnight?" he asked. Silly man. Like any of them had. Right? RIGHT???

We had cake, which was excellent, particularly the icing - the only part any of the boys actually ate. And then they announced that it was time for the Wrestling Tournament. Fine, I thought. Wii Wrestling. Not a problem.

But no. Not Wii Wrestling. WRESTLING Wrestling. You know, like with arms and legs. Kind of different, if you ask me.

Happily, there was only one minor injury, and it was inflicted on the son of one of my friends, so I knew the risk of litigation was low. By that stage it was nearly 10pm and I was in the fetal position in my room, so my husband herded the kids into their sleeping bags (except for one child who had forgotten his, and had to be herded between the pink sheets of my daughter's bed, much to his horror and disgust).

By 10.15 all the lights were out and the kids were fast asleep. Using 'the kids' in the sense of 'me, with earplugs jammed in and the bedroom door closed'. And in the morning, the boys were still there, and ravenous again, which made me suspect they had either all been out cavorting all night, or that eleven year old boys just get really, really hungry.

Either way, the party is over, I survived with my sanity (though, sadly, not dignity) in tact, and the tutu has been retired for another year.

And next year, I'm asking for $3.50.

13 comments:

  1. To be quite honest, I probably would have worn the tutu for free. Mainly, because I've never worn one in my life, and in a house with 5 males (if you include the dog) anything pink and frilly is a treat.

    Glad you survived. You and your husband were very brave. VERY brave indeed.

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  2. $2 for that? That's not payment. That's a gold coin donation.

    If I pay you $2 will you wear that tutu for me?

    Actually, if I pay you another $2, will you look a little more enthusiastic about it??

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  3. That, Kerri, was the best read I've had in a long time! Tutu or not.

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  4. My dearest Kerri, why do you insist on scaring me with the things that are sure to come into my life with 2 boys? I mean really, I'm stressed enough without having to worry about 'madly masticating mouths' that talk about their parents having sex whilst at their mate's place.

    Anyway, I quite fancy you in that pink frock - totally worth 2 gold coins, though. ;)

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  5. I think you cheated by wearing other clothes underneath. If I was your son, I'd want a refund.

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  6. so, so brave. So very brave. Well done. After holding a party for son last year with boys in our flat for 3 hours and seeing what happened then, it shall NEVER be happening again - outdoors, in parks, in zoos in films ANYWHERE else - except bowling (i don't get bowling - pay lots of money to throw 3 gutter balls and thats it...meh) And my boy is only 8...
    Incidentally - LOVE the tutu :)

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  7. oh man, that's PRICELESS< not $2. Where's my mastercard?

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  8. Love your posts Kerri this one brought back memories of a time when i naively thought i could hold a sleepover party for my sons 12th birthday.......the entire male population of his Year 6 Class. All started well, polite young boys dropped off by various parents with the requisite pyjamas and sleeping bags, some coming with reminders that they must take their ritalin at a precise time (more on this later).... THEN the parents left... what followed could basically be described as mayhem... I sent them all outside until dinner was on the table... a game of soccer soon became an incredibly vicious game of cross over red rover/wrestlemania/death defying trampolining/touch footy/stacks on and then the clincher....water balloons appeared from somewhere (no one ever owned up to bringing them)... however not to be out done those without water bombs quickly sought revenge .... with the hose!! Did I mention that the party was on the Queens birthday long weekend!!! So inside come a dozen or so freezing boys... into their pyjamas before dinner (not a bad thing i thought)..... DINNER well I had decided that a buffet would be a good idea NOT!!! Food combinations that both amazed and disgusted me at the same time were soon being shovelled into mouths. ONLY a small amount of food was used as weapons (due to my screaming when it looked as if a food fight was imminent) From memory only a couple ended up having to change again into borrowed pj's of my sons due to food spillage/vomiting etc ... Post dinner i tried to involve them in various party games and remember being met with laughter and derision, I soon gave up leaving them to watch movies and to carry on with their fart jokes (the room by this stage having developed an incredible odour - which has remained a family legend!!).... The following day when all were collected I remember lying saying what a pleasure they had all been, shutting the door on the last one I vowed NEVER EVER AGAIN!!!! He will be 19 next month.... and not much has changed.... anytime he is home with a group of mates the only thing that is missing is the water fight - all other behaviour remains the same!!!

    RITALIN -thought it was supposed to calm them down not send them into overdrive!!!!

    After all of the above - still get told that it was the BEST PARTY EVER!!!!

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  9. OMG. You totally deserve that pay rise.

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  10. Haha, sounds like a night at my place. Hey, it clearly wasn't all bad. You got to wear a tutu, you got paid handsomely (!), and there was alcohol and valium. Sounds like a win-win all round. (Except no doubt for the massive clean-up afterwards. And the boy smell. And your daughter's bed possibly needing to be fumigated before she would ever set foot in it again)

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  11. I've just come across your blog (immediately marked it in fav's). This was incredibly funny. Love your writing style. Can see it's another late night to bed tonight while I read some of your archives.

    By the way ... I am very afraid NOW ... I have a 4 yo boy. LOL

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  12. I've just come across your blog (immediately marked it in fav's). This was incredibly funny. Love your writing style. Can see it's another late night to bed tonight while I read some of your archives.

    By the way ... I am very afraid NOW ... I have a 4 yo boy. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  13. Love your posts Kerri this one brought back memories of a time when i naively thought i could hold a sleepover party for my sons 12th birthday.......the entire male population of his Year 6 Class. All started well, polite young boys dropped off by various parents with the requisite pyjamas and sleeping bags, some coming with reminders that they must take their ritalin at a precise time (more on this later).... THEN the parents left... what followed could basically be described as mayhem... I sent them all outside until dinner was on the table... a game of soccer soon became an incredibly vicious game of cross over red rover/wrestlemania/death defying trampolining/touch footy/stacks on and then the clincher....water balloons appeared from somewhere (no one ever owned up to bringing them)... however not to be out done those without water bombs quickly sought revenge .... with the hose!! Did I mention that the party was on the Queens birthday long weekend!!! So inside come a dozen or so freezing boys... into their pyjamas before dinner (not a bad thing i thought)..... DINNER well I had decided that a buffet would be a good idea NOT!!! Food combinations that both amazed and disgusted me at the same time were soon being shovelled into mouths. ONLY a small amount of food was used as weapons (due to my screaming when it looked as if a food fight was imminent) From memory only a couple ended up having to change again into borrowed pj's of my sons due to food spillage/vomiting etc ... Post dinner i tried to involve them in various party games and remember being met with laughter and derision, I soon gave up leaving them to watch movies and to carry on with their fart jokes (the room by this stage having developed an incredible odour - which has remained a family legend!!).... The following day when all were collected I remember lying saying what a pleasure they had all been, shutting the door on the last one I vowed NEVER EVER AGAIN!!!! He will be 19 next month.... and not much has changed.... anytime he is home with a group of mates the only thing that is missing is the water fight - all other behaviour remains the same!!!

    RITALIN -thought it was supposed to calm them down not send them into overdrive!!!!

    After all of the above - still get told that it was the BEST PARTY EVER!!!!

    ReplyDelete

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