Recently I tweeted about some handy home hints I had discovered. So rapturous was the response (from, er, one person) that I decided to compile an entire list. Kind of like my own personal version of the housekeeping book "Spotless". Only far less useful.
- A clean house is a sign of a wasted life. Unless you're a cleaner, in which case you are doing a fantastic job.
- Never clean your house for a visitor. Your friends with messy houses will love visiting, as they will feel better about their own shocking chaos. Your friends with neat houses will love visiting as they will feel smugly superior. And your friends who have a problem with mess will never come again, which is ideal, really. I mean, who wants the hassle of entertaining?
- There is no such thing as burnt toast. There is simply toast that needs more Vegemite.
- Create a rule: He (or she) who instigates sex must wash the sheets. This creates a disincentive for the more active sexual partner in the relationship, thus easing the pressure on the less-keen partner, whilst simultaneously offering a consolation of sorts for the less-keen partner, who can be comforted by the thoughts that at least today she (or he) doesn't need to do the laundry.
- If you haven't washed your porridge bowl within five hours, don't bother. It's ruined. Just smash it.
- White couches are stupid. They have no place in your home. Burn them.
- Don't bother forcing your kids to eat vegetables. When they grow up and see their friends eating vegetables, then they will too. And if their friends aren't eating vegetables, well then, why the hell should your kids?
- Wine can be an excellent ingredient for cooking and for getting drunk so that your life doesn't seem so bad.
- Bunnies make the best pets as you only need to feed them leftovers. Then, when you run out of leftovers, you can feed the bunny to your family.
- Phenergan has numerous applications, only one of which is medicinal.
Any others I should know about???