Recently I tweeted about some handy home hints I had discovered. So rapturous was the response (from, er, one person) that I decided to compile an entire list. Kind of like my own personal version of the housekeeping book "Spotless". Only far less useful.
- A clean house is a sign of a wasted life. Unless you're a cleaner, in which case you are doing a fantastic job.
- Never clean your house for a visitor. Your friends with messy houses will love visiting, as they will feel better about their own shocking chaos. Your friends with neat houses will love visiting as they will feel smugly superior. And your friends who have a problem with mess will never come again, which is ideal, really. I mean, who wants the hassle of entertaining?
- There is no such thing as burnt toast. There is simply toast that needs more Vegemite.
- Create a rule: He (or she) who instigates sex must wash the sheets. This creates a disincentive for the more active sexual partner in the relationship, thus easing the pressure on the less-keen partner, whilst simultaneously offering a consolation of sorts for the less-keen partner, who can be comforted by the thoughts that at least today she (or he) doesn't need to do the laundry.
- If you haven't washed your porridge bowl within five hours, don't bother. It's ruined. Just smash it.
- White couches are stupid. They have no place in your home. Burn them.
- Don't bother forcing your kids to eat vegetables. When they grow up and see their friends eating vegetables, then they will too. And if their friends aren't eating vegetables, well then, why the hell should your kids?
- Wine can be an excellent ingredient for cooking and for getting drunk so that your life doesn't seem so bad.
- Bunnies make the best pets as you only need to feed them leftovers. Then, when you run out of leftovers, you can feed the bunny to your family.
- Phenergan has numerous applications, only one of which is medicinal.
Any others I should know about???
My long time mantra: Wine racks. What's the point? (unless it's to store empties until recycling day).
ReplyDeleteFrom the ages of 0-4, snot is a food group. Don't fight it.
ReplyDeletei love it!! so so funny kerri.
ReplyDeletei wholeheartedly agree with the vegemite toast and the porridge bowls.
and with natalie, i'd be no good with a wine rack, it would be permanently empty.
Can I swear on your blog? I'm going to hope for a yes & say, fuck that was funny!
ReplyDeleteLove them!
ReplyDeleteSo ON THE MONEY!!!!
Can I add a couple of mine that come to mind?
No 1. Housework and kids don't go together- give up while you're behind!
And I already mentioned my GOLDEN rule to you on twitter.....
No 2. If it doesn't fit in the dishwasher- it fits in the bin! Throw it away immediately!
No 3. When all else fails have another cup of coffee (I have many coffees every day in case you couldn't guess!)
This will be fun Kerri- seeing what great ideas people have!
I love number 4!!!
ReplyDeleteMy mantra is "if you see it you deal with it" so no point telling me there's dust on top of the fridge, the garbage needs emptying, floor washing etc. It's amazing how quick everyone is to shut up.
No matter how dirty a school uniform is on Thursday it cn always be worn one more day.
ReplyDeleteWe're supposed to wash the sheets every time we have sex??? Who does that?! Seriously - do you?
ReplyDeleteThat was hilarious. No. 5 was my personal favourite. My lame contribution: 'spare champagne' is an oxymoron.
ReplyDeleteHey Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteNo, I don't wash the sheets every time I have sex (except, you know, if it's been a particularly... er... messy session). I was just proposing that the person who instigated sex should be responsible for the NEXT changing of the sheets. When it's due. Like, every four or five weeks.
K xx
I'm glad you cleared that up, I was never ever going to be the instigator if I had to wash the sheets each time.... oh wait, I never am the instigator
ReplyDeleteYes in particular to Rules 1 and 2 - should be framed and handed to all parents as they leave birthing suites in hospitals - the Phenergan one however - please add proviso that one should not give it to kids with chicken pox without earlier having checked if they are the 'reverse-effect' kind of kid...
ReplyDeleteDanya, I am nodding my head at the school uniform rule, that's a definite one for me.
ReplyDeleteMy other is there is no such thing as not dishwasher safe.
Seems the rest have been well covered!
That was very very funny. I am just drying the tears from my eyes so I can see to type. Here are my handy hints.
ReplyDelete1. School socks can be worn continuously until they harden overnight - then it's a good idea to wash them. The crunchy bits can cause blisters.
2. A primary school boy can wear the same pair of undies for 9 days straight without contracting any type of infection. This is handy if your washing machine breaks down.
3. Two minute noodles and vegemite toast are the only food requirements for boys aged 9 to 12.
may i also add.
ReplyDelete1. Never underestimate the value of a Floordrobe, wear by smell.
2.It you can still walk around barefoot your house is clean, if you need socks cleaning day is coming, if ou have to wear shoes then hire someone!!
Thanks for the laugh today.
ReplyDeleteYou're pure brilliance! x
Brilliant - thank you - Hmmmm...May I humbly submit two of my major ones 1.It is fine if your kids eat cereal for dinner and/ or sandwiches. and 2. Thinking of changing the kids sheets every weekend counts the same as if you actually did. addedum to rule #2 - unless they are unwell/louse ridden, in which case sheets should be burnt. Or soaked for a very, very long time in bleach. So long that they *may* occasionally be forgotten in a bucket in the laundry until moving day....as long as the bucket is under a sink.
ReplyDeleteKids sheets need changing when contaminated by wee or vomit. This can happen in my house anywhere from nightly to monthly.
ReplyDeleteLove love love the house cleaning rules. I need to take more pride in my chaos!
ok its not house related but IS something to live by... (and i did warn you)
ReplyDelete“Never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."
Coach Finstock, Teen Wolf
LOVE them. Especially no 5 - old porridge sux to clean!
ReplyDeleteMay I ask what else you do with Phenergan? (aside from drugging toddlers - no judgement here, trust me!)
Mine to add:
Baby wipes clean everything! Bike grease, paint on furniture, vegemite anywhere...
I live by - If it can't be washed in the washing machine, or dry cleaned, it gets thrown out
ReplyDeleteYou know, I really see a future of books here, Kerri. I know, based on the above, I'd certainly be purchasing them and stuffing them in my recipe cupboard (where I keep such books - of course).
ReplyDeleteLove ya work.
Annie:
ReplyDeletePhenergan... to drug toddlers, drug husbands, drug yourself, drug unwanted guests...
Really, the possibilities are endless!
Love it! but the Phenergan can work in reverse (at least on 1 of my children)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the washing machine one everything is machine washable!
& dishwasher proof & microwavable!
keep em coming Kerrie
Just on the Phenergan - got to tell you that Painstop is better. Doesn't have the reverse effects. It comes in Nighttime and Daytime - wonder drug!
ReplyDeleteAh I see, thank you Kerri!
ReplyDeleteFor a minute there I thought I had somehow missed out on a well known rule of housekeeping: "sheets must be washed after every sex session."
Extremely very funny, Kerri. Very very.
ReplyDeleteI have nothing to add except that if the sheets aren't going to be changed and washed immediately after the act, the instigator DEFINITELY has to sleep in the wet patch.
Oh gosh. This post made my day - I am weeping with joy. Not sure if it's because I am so relieved that (many) other mothers share my outlook on housekeeping, or that Number Three made me snort my late night coffee. When's the book coming out?
ReplyDeleteI recall a couple of books my Mother had when we were young: The I Hate To Cook Book and the I Hate to Housekeep Book. The first one had the following advice:
If you want guests to ejoy their meal: serve it very late; make sure you cook onions as they wait (regardless whether the recipe calls for it or not); serve it with sharp knives.
:-)
BB
Oh gosh. This post made my day - I am weeping with joy. Not sure if it's because I am so relieved that (many) other mothers share my outlook on housekeeping, or that Number Three made me snort my late night coffee. When's the book coming out?
ReplyDeleteI recall a couple of books my Mother had when we were young: The I Hate To Cook Book and the I Hate to Housekeep Book. The first one had the following advice:
If you want guests to ejoy their meal: serve it very late; make sure you cook onions as they wait (regardless whether the recipe calls for it or not); serve it with sharp knives.
:-)
BB
That was hilarious. No. 5 was my personal favourite. My lame contribution: 'spare champagne' is an oxymoron.
ReplyDeleteLove it! but the Phenergan can work in reverse (at least on 1 of my children)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the washing machine one everything is machine washable!
& dishwasher proof & microwavable!
keep em coming Kerrie
ok its not house related but IS something to live by... (and i did warn you)
ReplyDelete“Never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."
Coach Finstock, Teen Wolf
LOVE them. Especially no 5 - old porridge sux to clean!
ReplyDeleteMay I ask what else you do with Phenergan? (aside from drugging toddlers - no judgement here, trust me!)
Mine to add:
Baby wipes clean everything! Bike grease, paint on furniture, vegemite anywhere...