The day began badly, at 10pm last night. I reached into my bedside drawer to grab my mouthguard, and realized it wasn’t there. I’d taken it to the dentist to be checked, I recalled throwing it into the car after the appointment, but clearly it hadn’t made it home.
I trudged outside to search the car and it wasn’t there. Remember that. It will be important later. It. Was. Not. There. If it was there, I would have seen it, because it lives in a sizeable fluorescent orange container. It’s pretty easy to spot.
I began looking around the car in the dark, but then I remembered that a killer is on the loose in my area, so I decided it wasn’t a great idea to be hanging around outside at night wearing nothing but a long t-shirt and bedsocks.
I slept fitfully. (Actually, I slept fine, but it sounds better to say ‘fitfully’, and besides, it helps to justify the exorbitant cost of the mouthguard.)
This morning I awoke, thinking of my mouthguard. (Actually, I was thinking of my coffee and toast, but that doesn’t progress the story as well.)
I hustled the kids out to the car to go to school, and when I opened the car door, my mouthguard was there. Did you read that? It. Was. There. I was elated and disturbed at the same time, because, though I was thrilled to have my mouthguard back, I knew that something very strange had occured.
When we arrived home from school I put the mouthguard in my pocket. Remember that. It will be important later. In. My. Pocket. I picked up toddler and my bags and went into the house.
About ten minutes later I realised I couldn't remember where I'd put the mouthguard, and it was no longer in my pocket. I was not pleased. I searched the house. I examined every corner and the mouthguard wasn’t there. I even enlisted the Toddler in my hunt.
“Find my mouthguard!” I told her. “It’s orange!”
“Mama loss a moufgud?” she asked. “Oh no!” She helpfully presented me with an orange plate, an orange bowl, an orange crayon, and even an orange. When I explained gently that these items were, in fact, orange, but not a mouthguard, she seemed bewildered, and a little hurt.
In the end we gave up, and went out to the shops. When we got in the car, the mouthguard was there.
My head started to spin. I looked around for cameras, a ghost, a dentist... anything to explain the unexplainable.
But there was no making sense of it. I rubbed my temples, put the mouthguard into my handbag, did my shopping, came home, and put the toddler to bed.
And now I sit here, handbag is at my feet, terrified to open it.
Will the mouthguard be there, in its fluorescent orange case? Or will it have shifted again, through time and space, to the bedroom, my pocket, my car?
I don't know, but for now I'm going to have a little lie down. This day has done my head in.
And besides, my jaw is aching.
I don't know what the fuck is happening to your mouthguard but I am most impressed your toddler knows the colour orange. My 2yo knows black but then again, it appears he will be in juvie by 10.
ReplyDeleteSomething seriously screwy is going on with your mouthgard and it's container. Be careful with that killer on the loose.
As if mums minds aren't fucked enough without stuff like that going on and fucking with it more.
ReplyDeleteCan you staple it to something?
I did that with my keys. Just can't rememeber what I stapled them to ..
... by the way, is my mind in there with your mouthguard?
Yet another very, very funny story. Apologies it's at your expense, but you do what ya gotta do.
ReplyDeleteI'm just giggling picturing you sitting there not able to open your bag. This will keep me laughing all day.
Once again, at your expense. But thems the breaks.
You're a lovable loon (lune?) Kerri. This reminds me of those scenes in the serial killer movies where the blonde-haired girl comes home one night and notices something slightly not right with the house.
ReplyDeleteA magazine has moved, the curtains are tied funny; or there's a cow in the living room.
That sort of thing. And they can't explain it, and then the killer comes out from behind a giant fruit bowl (which you really should have emptied) and then you knock him out with your oversized mouthguard.
No wait, that doesn't sound anything like this at all.
Are you sure you haven't swallowed your mouthguard? You do seem to have a large propensity for disaster. I'm sure it will all come out in the end, if you see what I mean.......
ReplyDeleteThe crazed killer on the loose is using your mouthguard as a distraction from the police. It makes a handy disguise and the fluorescent orange is not in keeping with the police description of a man with very dark side.
ReplyDeleteWhen he has a rest he returns your mouthguard. He is a considerate murderer (who no longer grinds his teeth)
Oh, god. That's so funny. And such great material for a Chucky sequel where the Son of Chucky is a possessed mouthguard in a bright orange container.
ReplyDeleteActually, now that I think about it, don't put the mouthguard in your mouth. It might try to eat you.
Haha great post Kerri, things like this really do mess with you!
ReplyDeleteyour not pregnant are you? Could be preg brain. But then again I put cheese in the pantry the other day and was looking for it in the fridge for two days before I realised, and I am definitely not pregnant.
ReplyDeleteAlways love reading your blog and as an extra bonus you always get comments that are almost (note I said almost)as funny as your post!
ReplyDeleteI thought we talked about NOT GOING OUTSIDE IN THE DARK at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI spend a lot of nights falling into bed THEN realizing I don't have my mouth guard in (which lives in the bathroom), but I can't get up otherwise I wont be tired any more, so I suffer...by suffer I mean, fall asleep.
N x
Now if you go to bed with said mouthguard, then wake up sans said mouthguard, then go to bed the next night sans said mouthguard, then wake up the next morning with said mouthguard, suddenly painted black with a skull and cross bones on it. Well now THAT would be weird.
ReplyDeleteohohbaby: my mouthguard lives in the bathroom too, god knows what it gets up to at night.
ReplyDeleteKerri:
1. My mouthguard case is fluorescent pink. Jealous?
2. I blamed myself today when I returned from a playdate to find my front door wide open, and yet nothing stolen or moved in the house. I thought I had stupidly left the door unlocked, while intelligently checking to see I had the keys before shutting door, then getting distracted by lip gloss in key section of handbag. However, I would now like to blame the door poltergeist, the mouthguard poltergeist's Melbourne cousin.
What do you mean a killer is on the loose? Where (roughly) do you live?
ReplyDeleteYou guys are hysterical. The comments have had me on the floor laughing.
ReplyDeleteFYI RealityRaver - I am not pregnant. GOD no.
And Anon - I live (roughly, though we do have internal bathrooms) in the Eastern suburbs of Sydney, around which a man who killed his father and sister is still on the loose. Possibly wearing a mouthguard....
I think your mouth guard is having an affair with my mobile phone...and my car keys...and my wedding and engagement rings...oh and my black leather gloves I got for mothers day. Slippery little suckers all very hard to find...
ReplyDeleteBy roughly I meant in which vicinity as in, I'm not trying to get you to give the world your address! It didn't quite read like that though did it...
ReplyDeleteWell what can I say?
ReplyDeleteThere are white days, there are - black
the rest - just gray days:)
Well what can I say?
ReplyDeleteThere are white days, there are - black
the rest - just gray days:)
want to know the best way to use a specific mouth guards for , or want to know how to mouth guards for .., Mouth Guards Store is your resource for these questions even if you don't make a purchase. We have helped thousands of men, womenfind mouth guards for that fit their needs, size & types for almost a decade mouth guards. Let My mouth guards store help answer mouth guards questions, educate about mouth guards
ReplyDeleteI thought we talked about NOT GOING OUTSIDE IN THE DARK at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI spend a lot of nights falling into bed THEN realizing I don't have my mouth guard in (which lives in the bathroom), but I can't get up otherwise I wont be tired any more, so I suffer...by suffer I mean, fall asleep.
N x