November 9, 2009

Hot Or Not

originally published in the Sunday Telegraph

I’ve had a revelation. All that primping and preening we women do to impress the men in our lives? They don’t notice. And when we’re having a bad hair day or we’ve gained a couple of pounds? They don’t notice that, either.

In fact, when it comes to women, men don’t notice much of anything.

The other day my husband and I bumped into P, a female acquaintance. I’ve always considered P to be very attractive, but on this occasion she looked – to put it subtly – considerably less ravishing than usual.

“God, P looked crap today!” I remarked to my hubby as we moved on (I don’t bother with subtleties when I’m with my spouse).

“She looked the same as always,” my husband replied. “She looked good.”

“But her face was puffy!” I protested. “And her hair was frizzy! And didn’t you notice that pimple on her chin?”

My husband bestowed upon me the exaggeratedly patient look he usually reserves for explaining number concepts to our eight year old daughter.

“Kerri, P is hot.”

“But she looked terrible today!”

He rolled his eyes. “Only a woman thinks another woman looks good one day and bad the next. A man decides if a woman is hot or not. If she’s hot, she’s hot. If she’s not, she’s not. Whether P is frizzy or pimply or has a horn growing out of her ear, she’s hot. End of story.”

I thought about what my husband said as P disappeared into the distance. (Her hair really was a mess.) If it was true – and a far reaching survey of my two closest male friends has since confirmed it – then a lot of male behaviour began to make sense.

So that’s why men don’t appreciate celebrity magazines. They don’t look gleefully at shots of J-Lo’s cellulitic thighs and think “Ah, I see! She’s fat and ugly after all!” They think “The girl is sex-on-legs. Stop wasting my time.”

And that’s why men don’t notice the nice features in a woman they find unattractive. (“She’s got such lovely eyes!” I’ll say. “She’s still a shocker,” my husband will reply.)

And that’s why men can’t recognise when a normally plain woman scrubs up beautifully for a special occasion. (“She looks exactly the same,” my husband says. “She’s just got mascara on.”)

Men – heterosexual men, anyway - don’t notice details. They don’t see a couple of extra kilos, or a couple of wrinkles, or bulge around the tummy. They just see hot or not. As my friend J says, “We women notice when someone is looking tired or washed out, but a man is just appreciating her bum and boobs.”

Women will focus on the good features of people we like, and hone in on the bad features of people we don’t. Men, however, aren’t influenced by such piffling considerations as personality. As my husband has said, completely without guilt or irony, “Yes, M is a horrible person. But she’s hot.”

Understanding this about men can be very liberating. Clearly there is no need to expend all that effort on hair products, clothing and makeup. If a man thinks we’re hot, he’ll think we’re hot no matter what we’re wearing or how long our eyelashes are or whether we’ve been on an eating binge for a week. And if he thinks we’re not, then no amount of Pantene or Maybelline or Lemon Detox will change his mind.

Still, it’s not like we can relax and completely let ourselves go. We still have to present ourselves nicely to other women.

Because we women are each other’s worst enemies, and our own and everyone else’s harshest critics.

And let me assure you. We notice everything.

16 comments:

  1. Your husband is right. We mere males don't worry about insignificant details, such as what she's wearing, or what colour her hair is. We go straight to the point. Is she a good lay or not? That's our version of, is she hot or not?

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  2. Excellent News. Green light to stop trying to contain the donut gut. Hand me back those hot chips :P

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  3. Whoa, light bulb moment! Thank your dear spouse for me, everything makes sense now! :)

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  4. You've convinced me of something I have suspected for a long time - my ex-husband must be gay. Because he noticed EVERYTHING, and if I wasn't looking my very best when we were out in public he passive-aggressively showed his disapproval by walking 2 metres in front of me. If I was looking hot? Beside me, holding my hand and being very attentive.

    Yes, he was an ass. I'm well rid of him.

    And now that I'm single, your post makes me stress out! If I only have one chance to make an impression - and that impression will stay no matter what I do in the future - then I have to be looking my VERY best no matter where I go or what I'm doing because Mr Right could very well be hanging out in the cereal aisle at the supermarket. And Lord help me if I'm wearing my tracky dacks and have toddler muck all over me. Unless he's into that, of course.

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  5. Tracey, your ex sounds a) gay and b) a JERK. Good riddance.
    But you're wrong about meeting Mr Right. I think the point is that he WON'T care if you're wearing tracky daks & no make-up. Men see the face, the body, the general look - NOT the details about clothing, makeup or a pimple here or there. And every man has different taste.
    Besides, I think it can be universally acknowledged that you're damned fine.....!

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  6. Men, in my experience (I don't count) have a shocking and distinct lack of nuance. Their appraisal of other people fall really only into two, maybe three, categories.

    Good or bad. The third being: "Hey, didn't you buy me a beer once?"

    This is the equivalent of trying to whittle a tiny wood figurine from a twig using a sledgehammer and a barstool. It doesn't really work and forsakes the beauty of detail.

    Me, I'm a gay man. I notice everything - practised by using myself in the mirror first and established a benchmark.

    The bar is set low people, which is why I am an eyes person. Like shoes, no matter how 'bad' you might look, you can always have nice eyes and shoes.

    Thank fuck for that.

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  7. Well, for all those years I've been offended that Hubby usually comments favourably on my looks when I'm in some dorky pjs, but when I'm frocked up to the nines, he's like "You look fine."

    Now, I won't worry, because YOU, Kerri Sackville, have made it all very clear to me. Here's cheers to you!

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  8. Well, for all those years I've been offended that Hubby usually comments favourably on my looks when I'm in some dorky pjs, but when I'm frocked up to the nines, he's like "You look fine."

    Now, I won't worry, because YOU, Kerri Sackville, have made it all very clear to me. Here's cheers to you!

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  9. So true, always think its hilaruous that my husband doesn't notice the huge zit on my face or the extra wobble...he just sees me.

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  10. But do women notice when a man starts to let himself go?

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  11. Christie - I have to say definitely absolutely without-a-doubt YES (and perhaps some of us use it as excuse to let ourselves go, just a little?!)

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  12. I am going to print this out and make hubby sign it so that I can walk around in trakkie daks with hideous, greasy hair and chipped fingernails. Wait. I do that already

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  13. So very, very true. I love having old friends from uni contact me through Facebook. I was hot then so therefore to them I still am. Very self esteem boosting ;)

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  14. I generally remember every event or occasion we have attended by what I was wearing (and can usually recall what everyone else was wearing too) I was upset at my husband once years ago because he couldn't remember what I was wearing at a special dinner very early on in our relationship. He replied I was looking at your face, not your dress. That made me understand him more. He rarely notices my clothes or hair etc. It can be annoying when I have made an extra effort, but also very convenient as new clothes are never detected!

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  15. Then in theory if you've failed to make a good first impression you can never redeem yourself?

    Noooooooo

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  16. Whoa, light bulb moment! Thank your dear spouse for me, everything makes sense now! :)

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