August 25, 2009

The Person Critic

I’m tired of people criticizing me for being opinionated and judgemental. It’s unfair. Not the part about me being opinionated and judgemental – I am! I love passing judgements on people - their appearance, their intellects, their conversation, their personalities. This, however, isn’t something to criticize.

Think about it. You don’t condemn food critics for judging their restaurant meal. You don’t condemn book reviewers for being opinionated about what they read. And I’m doing the same thing. I’m performing a valuable service for the community.

I am a Person Critic.

Other critics get paid to pass judgements, whereas I do it for free. And I’m tired of being looked down upon simply because the work I do is unpaid. After all, my reviews, like any others, will save you time, effort and aggravation.

If you meet Kathy at a school function and are thinking of meeting for coffee, I can save you the irritation. (Her life is perfect. You’ll want to smack her). At a wedding I can help you avoid hours of boredom. (Move your seat away from Tom! He’s a Trekkie who lives with his mother!) And if you’re friendly with Darren I can save you befuddlement (He’s not deep. He’s just really confused).

Nadia? A whinger. Josh? Depressive. Ruth? Scary. And Michael? Great guy, really sweet. Just such a shame about the tracksuit pants.

Now, you’re probably thinking smugly, ‘Hey, I can be a Person Critic. Anyone can form an opinion’. Well guess what? You’re wrong.

For a start, a Person Critic needs to be very judgemental. If you’re one of those (annoying) types who accepts everyone as they are, you’re not cut out for this work. Who will listen to your opinions if you see beauty and goodness in all humankind?

On the other hand, you can’t be hypercritical and negative. A Person Critic must distinguish between those who give good value for one’s friendship dollar – so to speak - and those who don’t.

Furthermore, a Person Critic needs to be able to make rapid and accurate judgements. There’s no time to get to know your subject in all their full and rich complexity. You must meet them, form an opinion, and be ready to describe them in three adjectives or less, all within about 15 minutes. There are people waiting for you to tell them what to think.

I’m very well suited to Person Reviewing. I’m bursting with opinions. And, quite frankly, there’s no other area I’m qualified to make opinions about. Of course, I have no special expertise in people, either. However, in Person Reviewing, that doesn’t actually matter. Qualified or not, your audience will always listen to what you have to say.

The best thing about being a Person Critic is that you win either way. If your subject is interesting then you’ll enjoy meeting them. And if they’re not interesting, although you may not enjoy meeting them, you will definitely enjoy telling everyone about it afterwards.

24 comments:

  1. love it! that's so funny! I'd hate to think how you'd describe me in 3 adjectives or less!!

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  2. sheer brilliance....

    if you can't say something nice about someone, don't let that stop you....

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  3. Haha numberchic I was thinking EXACTLY the same thing! And then hoping that I will never know my three adjectives!

    Hilarious as always Kerri!

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  4. My favourite post EVER!

    The other great thing about person reviewing is it won't make you fat.

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  5. In some cultures being pass remarkable is considered to be a valuable if not a necessary skill. Plus it's a pre-requisite to being a writer - Jane Austen devoted a whole career to it. Plus plus you bring joy to us all by summing folk up in 140 characters or less xxx

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  6. Funny,Kerri! My ears are burning.Give me a critique. You know you want to!.........I am the anonymous fender..........

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  7. Oh 'person critic' sounds so much nicer than 'bitch'. I might have to borrow that one.

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  8. so rather than bitching about someone, we can say we're "critiquing"!

    good one cristy

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  9. Brilliant. And Cristy I love the fact that I can now drop the bitch moniker. I am a Person Critic of the highest order.

    Unfortunately I do not take kindly to reading other peoples reviews of me - brings out more of the "critic" in me.

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  10. Yeah, I'm not really cut out for it I don't think. I'm not critical so much as I am simply bitchy.

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  11. Abso-bloody-brilliant, Kerry!

    So when do all us professional People Critics (aka total bitches) get to start charging for our services?

    I have needs too, ya know!

    Tx

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  12. Bugger. I misspelled your name.

    How deceiptful of me!

    eek!

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  13. See, I think of bitchy as being deliberately mean, malicious & unkind - the purpose is to hurt & belittle someone. Person critique is an art form - it might be funny or not, but the main objective is getting the 'yeah I know what you mean' response from other people. I'm trying to think of some examples over here...

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  14. I hesitate to even suggest this for fear of the review my blog my get... But do you know what there might be a paid career in? Blog critiquing. I'm sure there are lots of companies out there who don't have the time to read the billions of blogs, but like to use them as a marketing tool or source for writers/contributors. Blog critiquing would be much like people critiquing, as most people blog about themselves!

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  15. Oops: "review my blog might get" not "my get"

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  16. a) I believe it is high time for ALL of us to begin charging for our highly valuable services, and
    b) Eco-Chic-Mummy you are SO onto something. Seriously. I don't have time as I'm too busy critiquing people, but what an idea....

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  17. Love it! You crack me up.
    I am super scared of my review, though!

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  18. my opinion is - I like reading your opinions!

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  19. Bah ha ha, this is one of my fave blogs of yours. But I am also a person critic. I am, but I'm the failed kind who can only judge himself. Limited value, but I'll save you time on your assessment of me by giving you my own:

    "Loves your blog."

    Done!

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  20. Luckily you have me in your life. While you are being a critic of everyone you know I am focusing on their good qualities. So all those out there that are being judged by kerri you can rely on me to find something good about you. I think we make a great match. we balance each other out.Right?Lisa xxx

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  21. Are you my mother?
    Everyone else just thinks I'm a bitch. Ha! I am a Person Critic!

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  22. a) I believe it is high time for ALL of us to begin charging for our highly valuable services, and
    b) Eco-Chic-Mummy you are SO onto something. Seriously. I don't have time as I'm too busy critiquing people, but what an idea....

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  23. See, I think of bitchy as being deliberately mean, malicious & unkind - the purpose is to hurt & belittle someone. Person critique is an art form - it might be funny or not, but the main objective is getting the 'yeah I know what you mean' response from other people. I'm trying to think of some examples over here...

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  24. Oops: "review my blog might get" not "my get"

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