March 4, 2013

Bosoms. Heaving & Not.

Today I was in an elevator and I heard a woman use the word 'bosoms'. I was awed. It is rare to hear a woman use the word 'bosoms' these days. Actually, I think it was probably always rare to hear the word 'bosoms'. It's theoretically possible that people would occasionally mention their own (or somebody else's) 'bosom', but I suspect no-one has ever mentioned the plural. After all, I am pretty sure that 'bosoms' has only ever been linked to the word 'heaving', and I suspect 'heaving bosoms' has only ever appeared in print. And quite frankly I can't imagine a person of any generation verbally referring to 'heaving bosoms'. How would it happen? In what context?

Bosom not Blogger's Own.
Groin not shown.

"Oh, I saw Jillian today. My god but she has heaving bosoms."

or, "Every time Max walks into the room, the women's bosoms begin heaving."

or perhaps, "He has such raw sexual power. He gives me the heaving bosoms."

The woman in the elevator did not put her 'bosoms' together with the word 'heaving'. It's possible, of course, that they are inextricably linked in her mind - that bosoms heave just like cats purr or flowers bloom. But she didn't say it. She did, however, put her 'bosoms' together with a 'groin', which to me was even more startling.

"Watch out for your bosoms and your groin," she told the young woman next to her, who nodded politely and kept holding the cardboard box.

And I was fascinated. FASCINATED. What was going in the box? Why did the woman have to watch her bosoms and groin? What was the thing that was going in the box potentially going to do to her bosoms and groin? How was she supposed to protect said bosoms and groin from the fearsome attack of the thing-in-the-box? And why on earth was she calling them 'bosoms' and 'groin' instead of the far more colloquial 'breasts' and 'thighs', 'boobies' and 'front bottom', or even 'bazoongas' and 'vajayjay'. I mean, no-one says 'bosoms' and 'groin', unless they're some kind of weirdo 1950's doctor who is talking earnestly to a woman in a girdle and underwired bra who has strained something private.

Unfortunately for you (and me), there is no satisfactory conclusion to this story. The woman (who, for the record, was approximately 50 years old and dressed conservatively in a white shirt and tailored black pants) stepped out of the lift with the young woman (who was dressed more jauntily in a floral skirt and pale blue blouse) and disappeared on the second floor. I have no idea what happened to them, the box, or their bosoms (heaving or not) and I suspect I never will.

But if you have any clue, I'd be grateful to know. This mystery is going to give me heaving bosoms all bloody night.


  1. Detachable PrincessMarch 4, 2013 at 8:47 PM

    I think I can help - if you're holding a box and you walk into a door, the corners bloody hurt. I suspect the top and bottom edges of the box lined up with the bosoms and groin of the woman carrying it. How do I know this? Last weekend I was carrying the square kids' table between rooms, banged into the doorframe, and the corner of the table got me IN THE CAESAREAN SCAR. I got a yellow and purple bruise, and couldn't quite walk properly the next day.

  2. Hmmmm... it's possible but the box was small and EMPTY!

  3. Alright, it's true. I was in that box. And the warning was entirely apt.

  4. I know! It was a box full of microscopic bosoms and groins...invisible to the naked eye...

  5. The box contained chicken fillets to make the bosoms heave properly and a chastity belt to keep the groin safe!

  6. I am willing to bet you were merely absent from the beginning of the conversation. Possibly the woman was carrying the box to pack her desk to move to a new job with a new co-worker who is known to be inappropriately gropey.

    Or, for a more tangential explanation, you were listening to a pair of avid amateur time travelers. The younger woman had just purchased the latest in "hidden in plain view" time shifters and intended to spend her evening in the late medieval period analysing people dying of plague to see whether the symptoms really indicate that it was caused by enterobacteria Yersinia pestis, and not by some other bacteria as was recently postulated.

    Fortunately, the older woman has experience of this particular time device and is warning her that, as it uses your own endocrine system as a pivot point to launch you through the fourth dimension, it can cause some swelling and discomfort in the bosom and groinal region. She used that terminology because they are both on a short jolly from 1954 because they like to lunch at Zambrero and Mexican food is thin on the ground in 50s Sydney.

  7. Heaving bosoms, eh ? My eyes just glazed over.....

  8. hmmm, I am super curious now! Kerri, you really should have chased them down to find out!


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