September 1, 2011

Pain And Knobs In Melbourne

Yesterday I flew home after a whirlwind 27 hours in Melbourne. I'd flown down to conduct an 'In Conversation' with my friend, the author Kylie Ladd, which consisted of Kylie and I sitting on high stools in front of an audience as I fired questions at her. This worked out very well for both of us. Kylie got to talk about her fabulous new book 'Last Summer', and I got to indulge my Oprah fantasies, only without any tiresome speculation about my sexuality, or the need to hand out cars to the gathered crowd.

The entire trip went almost perfectly. I had an excellent time after the 'In Conversation' at the nearby pub with Kylie and various friends from the online world, and then more fun the following day having breakfast with Kylie and her son, and later lunch with my aunt and cousin.

The problems came in between. And yes, there are always problems at some point. At least, there always are for me.

Kylie and I got back to her house about midnight, which is rather late for me. We'd also been drinking very heavily, which in my case meant two glasses of Cab Sav. It took me a little while to fall asleep in Kylie's daughter's bed, but once I did I slept the deep slumber of one pleased with a job well done, much as I suspect Oprah does after a satisfying interview with Tom Cruise.

Suddenly, at an unknown hour in the middle of the night, I woke with an agonising pain in my right eye. It felt like someone had taken a shard of glass, inserted it beneath my eyelid, and was punching my eye with a blunt fist. I was blinded with the pain, except that I was blinded anyway, because I couldn't open my eyes.

I covered my right eye with my right hand and opened the left eye. To my surprise, I was blinded anyway. Kylie's daughter's room was pitch black. I put my left hand out in front of me to feel for a landmark and groped around in the dark. I literally couldn't see my hand in front of my face, not that I could actually put my hand in front of my face, because one hand was clutching my right eye and the other was feeling around in the dark.

Eyepatch: Attractive and practical

I knew that I had to get to the bathroom, to look in the mirror and try to flush whatever it was out of my eye. Before I could get to the bathroom, however, I had to get out of the bedroom. And this wasn't easy in the utter blackness with an excruciating pain in my eye.

I floundered around endlessly until finally my hand landed on the door knob. It was round and large, which confused me a little as I remembered the knob as being horizontal and thin. Still, I didn't care about morphing door knobs at that point. My eye was burning and I had to get out of there.

I tried turning the handle but nothing happened, which could have had something to do with the fact that I was turning it with my left hand, and perhaps was turning it in the wrong direction. I tried to focus, foggy with sleep and pain, but to no avail. Finally I just pulled the damn thing and fell into Kylie's daughter's closet.

I was tempted to give up, but the pain in my eye was searing, and I needed to fight on. I negotiated myelf backwards back onto the bed and tried again. I plotted out the room in my mind, remembering that the door was to the left of the cupboard. I held on to the cupboard and felt my way along the wall, frogmarching through the bedroom until I hit the door. Thank god!

Now, I knew I had found the door because I could feel its outline, and Kylie's daughter's dressing gown hanging on a hook on the back. My problem now was to find the handle, because there didn't seem to be one. Or at least, my left hand couldn't find it.

After about a year, my hand found the door. Finally,with overwhelming relief, I tripped into the hall and made my way into the bathroom. Once there, I turned on the light, which was another shocking mistake. I nearly fell over in fright and agony as the glaring light burned into my one exposed retina.

When my eye finally adjusted I began the horrible task of flushing out my eye. It didn't work. I couldn't see anything in there, and it was making the pain worse. I tried crying, but that felt bloody uncomfortable too. I considered waking Kylie up, but I didn't know what she could do except for putting a bandaid on my eye, so I decided to let her sleep.

In the end, I took a couple of Panadol and went back to bed. By the morning, my eye was still sore but manageable. Today, it is all better.

Of course, there's something to learn from every experience and I learned something from this. For one thing, my body is utterly unpredictable and never fails to surprise with its range of ailments and discomforts.

For another thing, I should always travel with a night light. I'll never know when eye might need it.


  1. Oh darling!  That sounds bad... but worth it to hang out with Kylie me thinks xx

  2. If I'd known you wanted an Oprah experience, I'd have flown down and questioned your sexuality. I'm good like that. After all, you did marry a man with effeminate taste in drinks (no. It's possible I'll really never let that one go. I think the problem is that I'm not that funny, so I have to rely on very limited, stolen material).

    And I totally did....n't laugh at you falling into a closet. At all. Man, you need to get that left hand looked at. It's totally blind!

    So, any idea what it turned out to be? All jokes aside? Was the pain just in your eye, or a headache as well? Because seriously, that's an important detail and if it was a headache as well, you might want to mention it to someone. Like an actual doctor, not just those of us who play one on our blogs.

    See. Told you I'm not actually that funny.

  3. OH that would so happen to me & i'd be cursing why i didn't stay in a hotel so i could make much comotion & not worry about anyone.  Love Posie

  4. No headache. I suspect it was just something in my eye. Probably the mascara that a certain @f8312f86fab6f9ab6825f4e7cc145411:disqus recommended on her blog. Thanks for that Woog...

  5. It was, but if you refer to the above comment, you will see that the whole thing was *your* fault.

  6. I totally laughed out loud when I read about you falling in to the closet. 

    I'd apologise for that, but made my day. 

  7. Er.. having claimed that the mascara was recommended by a certain @f8312f86fab6f9ab6825f4e7cc145411:disqus I must now shamefacedly acknowledge that I made a mistake and bought the wrong mascara. I am humiliated and not a little depressed. Sigh....

  8. Eye see no problem with this post. In fact eye think you're making it all up, in order that we may feel some small amount of empathy, after your public humiliation of The Architect. Shame on you.......

  9. Would it make you feel better to know that this afternoon I fell into my ensuite? I was in a rush to pee (as you are when you're a diabetic with 2 children) and I pushed on the door but didn't actually turn the knob properly. Pushed again harder, this time turning knob.

    Landed HARD. My already arthritic body is going to pay for this for days. I sat on the floor, thinking WTF just happened and I thought of you.

    That's when you know you're blog is doing fab and you're loved. Sitting on the floor of my bathroom, it's you i thought of!

  10. I am SO sorry for laughing so hard at your pain. But really, you write so well I can't help but feel for you while simultaneously laughing at you. Probably laughing more because I can absolutely see myself doing the same things and being in the same situation. I slept in a broom closet once because I couldn't find my friend's dorm room. Yep. That was my previous life!

  11. Oh thank God. I read the title of this post and thought it must have been about my son's recent operation. Sorry you had to see him naked so much xxxx

  12. Just a helpful tip: Mobile phones can be used as an effective flashlight. I usually use mine to light the way when I turn out the lights and go upstairs to bed. 

    (How tremendously boring was that comment? sorry....)

  13. BTW, I once had a weekend that could easily come under that title.

  14. God, I love you Mrs Woog.

  15. gypsyleenie25 (Eileen)September 1, 2011 at 11:05 PM

    Why must you inflict such pain on your face Kerri? Have you not learnt from your nose incident? You need to protedct the beauty that you were born with. ps. i got a bit excited about the sexuality bit till i fully read the whole blog... haha

  16. Searing pain in my eye is not uncommon due to pesky contacts but your story did remind me of the time my drunken (then) boyfriend got up and peed in his wardrobe because he thought it was the bathroom - apparently one door looks like any other in the dark!  when you're drunk....

  17. Haha - I haven't done that, but my speciality is rushing through doors and pushing it open with my foot while turning the knob - sort of opening it in one swift motion and hurtling through. Only half the time I don't manage to turn the handle  properly and just end up head-butting the door at full speed......


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