March 1, 2011

The Smock That Spoke

Yesterday I bought a smock. Okay, so it's not really a smock - it's a white, pretty, broderie-anglaise encrusted loose toppy-kind-of-thing with flappy wide birdie-like sleeves - which, indeed, very well may be the correct definition of 'smock'. Clearly I am not a fashion writer (and after this post is published, clearly never will be).

I didn't consider the toppy-kind-of-thing to be a 'smock' when I bought it. I had strayed into a shop whilst gulping down some caffeine after doing a top-up supermarket shop (using 'top-up' in the sense of filled up to the top of my enormous trolley) and saw this top waving to me in the corner.

"Kerri!" it called. "It is I! Your new toppy-kind-of-thing! I will complete your wardrobe! I will complete you!"

I heeded its call. I tossed my cup into the bin and headed straight for the garment. It hummed as I picked it up and carried it to the change room.

"You know those black pants?" the toppy sung to me.

"Yeah," I said, pulling off my dress. "What about them?"

"I will go perfectly with them." I looked in the mirror and nodded. Yes, I thought. Yes, you will.

"And jeans, Kerri," the toppy continued with authority. "I am made for jeans. With my white crispy freshness and my delicate broderie hem, I will contrast and draw attention to your statement heeled shoes."

"But I don't really have statement heeled shoes," I told the toppy.

"Meh!" the toppy said, flicking its sleeve. "You will get some, Kerri!" I shrugged. The toppy was in a shop. It was an Expert. It knew what it was talking about. Who was I to question it?

I turned back and forth before the mirror. How did I look?

"You look fabulous," said the toppy. "Look at yourself! I hide your three-baby-midriff and give you that lovely, clean, just-soaked-in-Nappi San confidence! Plus I hide that naughty tattoo on your shoulder, which is always advisable for Parent Teacher evenings and meetings with your bank manager."

I was convinced. "I'll take you!" I said.

"Yay!" said the toppy. We trotted to the counter and I paid.

Later that evening, I tried on toppy at home. And I wasn't sure. It looked shapeless. Prissy. Flappy. Fussy. Just... not the same as it looked in the shop.

My husband walked in the room and raised his eyebrows. "Why are you wearing a smock?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said. I looked to the toppy for answers. "Why am I wearing you?" I asked. "Tell me what you said in the shop."

I waited, and I turned, and I twisted, and I waited.

But from that moment on, toppy never spoke a word.

24 comments:

  1. Toppy needs a wide belt. Stat.

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  2. I'd be stroppy with that shoppy toppy!

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  3. Tell Toppy to start talking or she will find herself on Ebay.

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  4. Never listen to talking clothes...or sales assistants who tell you everything looks "great".
    Take me with you next time...or call me because, nine time out of ten, I will probably also be in WBJ!!!

    N x

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  5. Here's a tippy - ignore the next toppy that talks to you.

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  6. Forget the belt, head straight for the heavy duty meds. That's what I did when my knee high boots broke up with me the other night.

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  7. If an item of clothing has to talk you into taking it home - it's not for you. It's the ones you have to beg to come with you that you want ... think black jacket. I love Al's tippy. Excellent.

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  8. You need to put a call in to the top cop for crimes against fashion!

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  9. Thank you, Kerri! I badly needed a laugh today. I hope you and toppy sort out your differences. Maybe you need to take him to the op shoppy?

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  10. I have an army of smocky toppies in my wardrobe that hiss a chorus of "sucker" everytime I open the wardrobe door.

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  11. Were you out shopping with me yesterday? There I was, high-tailing it out of Mt Ommaney shopping centre after emptying my wallet at the pharmacy, when a flashy black and white top winked at me from across the store. I tried to ignore it, but it smiled so engagingly that I ignored the fact that it was a trendy store more suited for hip young things with big bank balances. Good gracious it looked good I thought, and it was on sale, so I paid up happily, knowing I would look fab at the Aus Blog Conference. When I got home I realised it was way too short, and I'd now need to buy some new pants and boots to go with it or risk flashing all at the conference with my magnificent pale thighs. Stupid talking clothes ...

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  12. Take floppy toppy out to a huge, boozy lunch. You can eat in comfort and spill pasta sauce all down your front. Giving a great excuse to throw the thing out. Win-Win.

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  13. Haha, sooo true. This happens to too. Not so much the talking top bit, but I'm always convinced things look amazing in the store (that pulsing impulse to buy something NEW helps), and then when I first christen them in public I'm often a little disappointed. Glad I'm not alone! It must be a combination of special mirrors and lighting the those change rooms.

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  14. Or, toppy goes back to shoppy for REFUND!

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  15. Fucking sneaky nasty flirty top. Needs a good smack and a date with the Vinnies Bin. (although I own one that sounds like your tops big sister)

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  16. Those damn change room one way mirrors. You can't believe a word I've said. Oh, the sights I've seen.......Oy Vey!

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  17. Would happily save you from future Toppy experiences. x

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  18. I think we need a photo of Toppy

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  19. I was considering posting a pic of toppy, but was worried that the shoppy toppy came from would get stroppy......

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  20. Did you forget Style commandment Number 5? Thou shalt not worship talking clothing.

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  21. i love smocky toppy thyings..when i see them on others and then on me they never look the same. BUT i'm happy to try it on and see if this one is the one that suits. so hand it my way....it does sound gorgeous.......OR come over and I'll give you honest opinion....it looks crap so would look better in my wardrobe. LOL xxxxxxx

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  22. I think all the toppy jokes have been exhausted....but just wanted to add that I LOVE this post Kerri!! Seriously, seriously funny, you lovely lady.

    Trish
    xx

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  23. I think we need a photo of Toppy

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  24. Here's a tippy - ignore the next toppy that talks to you.

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